Christmastime!

Aw I love this time of year! The lights, the smells, the colours, the feel of Jack Frost nipping at my nose lol...it's wonderful. This year is interesting because I am making my Christmas presents and am finding that I am running out of time lol ;) I still have things to cover in fabric and flowers to create, cookies to bake and things to stick on other things. It will get done though I am sure. All of a sudden I am very tired. No actually that's not true I am exhausted. Aimee has decided that I am her dummy/pacifier so she will not stop crying unless she latches on to me. So at night she is on me for a large part of the night. This morning I have had 3 cups of coffee and still feel like I am in a fog. I'm sure it will get better and I am sure that God will give me some strength and energy...I am desperate for some energy. On a more positive note this weekend is a Christmasey weekend Maggie and I need to make a Santa's workshop and Aimee may spend the whole weekend in the Moby as I will need to be hands free to do lots of making and sticking. THe Moby is fantastic! A friend gave it to our Pastors wife back home and she couldn't use it so she passed it on to me and I adore it....it is so handy and Aimee loves being snug against me. I tend to get warm in it so I wear a tanktop and put her in a vest with leggings and she is happy as Larry. IT also leaves me free to help Maggie do things and play. We played with our camera the other day and figured out the self timer thing and managed to get a family photo! It is a very funny one and typical that Aimee and Maggie wouldnt co operate lol but it is the 4 of us none the less....my sister is so good at digital funstuff and has made it into a christmas card for me, it's gorgeous! Umm oh yes and our carol service at our new church is this sunday so I am really excited for that. We managed to find a church family that is so lovely and warm and so welcoming that after our first sunday we decided it was our new home...however due to illness and colic we haven't had a chance to go back but I am determined to get back into it. I miss church and church family. The pastor there is gorgeous and his family is the ministry team, they are so lovely and really personal! I took Aimee to see the health visitor yesterday to be wieghed and have a checkup and she has gone up two whole lines in her weight! She now weighs 9lb4oz! They did a quick evaluation on me as well and decided some other bits but I am not even discussing them untill after Christmas as they aren't full of joy and good tidings and I am giving God a chance to fix them for me :) Nothing too worisome just things that are connected with being a fulltime mummy and wife and from the previous pregnancy that didn't get resolved. It's just satan trying to worm his way into our lives and it isn't going to happen. God is a God of healing and restoration and I believe He is going to heal and restore me. I am not going to allow silliness to creep in and make me into a person I refuse to be. I just don't accept it.  So not alot to do for Christmas, a few stocking stuffers to get but am done! Okkkkkkk now back to life just wanted a quick update. xxx Mara

Feeling

So lately I am so busy with life that I haven't been able to blog. Today I am waiting for the plumber to come fix  a busted pipe in my shed and the baby has gone to sleep therefore I am going to sit and write.

I am coming to the realization that there is a huge divide in women today. There are the women who have families and are very family oriented, they live and breathe their families.  Their every thought is for their families well being and their happiness. I think that these women are under significant pressure that if they choose to be family women and to want this then they are required to be perfect mothers, to always pay attention to their children and to keep their houses spotless, to work part time and spend the rest of their time growing and nurturing their children. GOD forbid that they should want time to themselves, and GOD forbid that their children should ever become unhappy in the least. I feel incredibly guilty for taking Maggie for nursery, and have started taking her later and later and collecting her earlier and earlier...however am I doing it for us or am I doing it so that people don't think of me as a bad parent. Maggie is incredibly out of whack with the new baby and while she loves her she tends to act out when she isn't getting what she thinks is enough attention. It was mentioned to me by someone who doesn't have children that what my child needed was more time with me at home.     HA yes I repeat someone who has no children was giving a mother of two with one very new baby ADVICE.  This has made me feel so incredibly guilty and like a bad mother...am I not giving her enough attention? and then the normal me kicks in and says "you dumbass of course you are giving her enough attention...you are a fabulous mother and she is TWO this is what two year olds do...seek attention!"   I am aware that my child is struggling with her behaviour and I am aware that I need to deal with it...but do not attempt to supernanny me when I am far more experienced then you will ever be. Is it wrong to be so uptight about this or is it normal? I watched sex and the city 2 a little while ago and there is this bit where Miranda and Charlotte are chatting and they talk about being mothers and how they feel so guilty wanting to spend time doing things they love and not doing things with their children all the time. I think that is so true and so many mum's feel the same way. I feel like if I am home and doing housework and taking an extra 5 minutes in the shower, that  I am neglecting my child who is happily playing at nursery and actually prefers nursery to home. When in actual fact I don't get time to myself, I don't do fun things like go out for coffees or shopping, when I am home I am with Aimee and I put Maggie into nursery because I want her to be happy and have attention given to her. NOT keeping her home while there is a screaming baby and a tired stressed out me.  I am constantly battling with whether or not I am a good enough mom to Maggie. I am always putting myself down and expecting far more of myself then is physically possible and then I have a huge letdown when I don't live up to my expectations. I am a really good mother actually and deep down I know this. Maggie is very spoiled and before Aimee came along was the only princess in the house and was used to not having me tell her no, and not having to be quiet and not having to wait for a 5th bowl of raisins when I am feeding Aimee. The child has everything she could possible want, she has more clothes than anyone else I know and does have the emotional support she needs...maybe not as much as I would like to give her but I only stretch to a certain limit without myself going over the edge. I don't know what I am saying here I think I just needed to rant but I am feeling so RAHHHH!!! that I need to do something. I am just not sure what it is. I love being a mother, I love being a wife, and I think my main problem is I allow myself to feel guilty and allow myself to take the blame for crap that doesn't involve me or even pertain to me. I think I need to have the confidence in myself to know that I am a damn good mother and that what others think doesn't matter.  Writing it is one thing...actually believing it is another.

Without even realizing

I grew up with a plan in my head and I knew exactly what I was going to do and how I was going to get it. I was going to go and do something huge! 26 years down the line and here I am....my dreams have changed so much since when I was a teenager, I no longer strive to be perfect and the goal of my days is not to be the best and have the best but to simply live well. I don't wake up in the morning and think about my wants and my needs but I consider the needs of my two beautiful children and my amazing husband. Yesterday we celebrated our 7 year anniversary and it was a wonderful day. I was sat thinking this morning that without realizing it I was living a dream. It isn't what I origionally dreamt 15 years ago but I am happy. I think about some people that I know who are alone, who don't have children, who don't have a home and who's priortities are so different to mine. I used to think that being succesful and well educated was the way to go and for some this is the case but now my dreams are more home based. They consist of a two year old and a 9 week old...they involve my husband and I being happy and settled in our lives. My dreams now are those that most mothers have to wake up content in the knowledge that their children are safe and that their husband is madly in love with them just as much now as they were when they first met. My goals are attainable now today my goal has been to clear our bedroom and I have nearly reached it. My other goal for today is to clean the kitchen and make up a batch of cookie dough to make cookies with Maggie tomorow. I speak to my friends who don't have children and our lives are not the same anymore, my life consists of nappies, teething, developmental concerns and maybe an hour of peace with my husband in the evening.  Their lives consist of school, their partners, jobs, shopping, hair apts, dr apts. . . and I find myself gradually having nothing in common with them. I am at peace with that because where I am now is a place of being a mother and a wife...to being someone to another person and having that connection. I Am : Steve's wife,  Maggie and Aimee's mother and for once in my life I am happy with belonging to somebody. I always wanted to be the individual the quirky and unique one. These days I sit in a coffee shop with my little family unit, baby on the breast and toddler colouring in front of me. . . I am complete! Without even realizing it I have been living my dream....I am content in my life and am happy with the person I am becoming.

Give thanks

with a greatful heart give thanks! Today is Thanksgiving and I am thankful for so much! I am blessed with so much! I am greatful for my family, my home, my friends, my job, my heat, technology that lets me communicate with friends and family. I am thankful for the last 8 weeks that I had with my mom and the last 3 weeks I had with my dad. It was such a lovely and amazing visit and I really didn't want them to go back. Today is my first day of just Aimee and I at home and it has been a strange one. She has developed colic really badly and won't let me put her down for more than five minutes at a time and I am trying to get things clean and tidy. But holding her isn't a bad thing it's lovely and warm which is nice because outside it is gorgeous but FREEZING!   so Happy thanksgiving everyone! much love to all of you. xxx

Pumpkin Pie

This weekend we are celebrating Thanksgiving as my mum and dad are going home on Weds and won't be here for Thursday. I decided to wait to do our pie untill Maggie came home from nursery and she had so much fun! I had so much fun....she made me laugh so hard when she decided to eat the spoon that the cinamon had fallen onto and then made the funniest face. She stood so well and listened to directions like a big girl. Afterwards she helped me do the dishes and was there for ages washing and sploshing. My angel is growing up...and I am so proud of her! xoxoxoxo I love you Maggie May!

my big baby!

Aimee was weighed today and now weighs 7lb8oz! She has nearly doubled her weight since she was born! Ok not nearly but she is still steadily putting on an ounce a day. She is most definately a mummies girl and will scream when put down. I know that this is probably not good in the long run but for now I love that she needs me. I didn't have this the first time around and I am enjoying being needed. I love that when she is fussing I pick her up and she starts nuzzling into my neck and grasping my hair...it's so nice to know that I am soothing her just because I am her mum! I love that God has given me the ability to give her the means to grow and thrive. Her health visitor today told us that she is healthy and big enough to go to clinic properly and be weighed with all of the other children.  She is brilliant! :) xxx

almost due date

Tuesday would have been my due date...it's crazy to think that this amazing baby this beautiful gift I have been given early would have still been inside had it not been for my incompetent cervix. I am not sad about it though, I am actually relieved...I hated being pregnant. I am getting the hang of breast feeding, I wore my moby and breastfed in public! Aimee is growing so much she is getting these chubby little jowls and and chunky tiny thighs...aww so cute! She is also developing a temper and learning that if she cries a certain way everyone in the room will instantly stop what they are doing and rush over and fuss over her. And why not...she is adorable! Maggie is so good with her, she is so in love with her Aimee sister, she constantly kisses and loves on her. Aimee ended up with Maggies cold because of all the cuddles but is on the mend now. I can't wait to see how much she weighs on Monday...she has grown  much!

life

We are settling into our lives really well and are getting comfortable with each other! Aimee is growing steadily and gaining an ounce a day still...and eating every 2 hours! Maggie is growing and thriving and teething (again!) and just living life. I am loving having my mum here and really don't want her to go home. Maybe Maggie will hide her passport lol ;) jsut teasing. BUT I do wish she could stay lots longer. xx

Momma's getting more sleep!

It's crazy, when you bring a new tiny baby home they eat constantly every 2hours at least and they say anytime that they fuss in between to just stick them on the boob. Well Aimee has been gaining so consistently that the midwife told us that she can go 3 hourly at night...Aimee on the other hand didn't think this was the case and decided to wake up not every two hours but every hour and a half. BUT the last couple nights she has started to sleep 3 hourly and wake really happily and settled. She wakes once in the night after 2 hours but has a really good feed and goes straight back down. I am so grateful because this has given me 3 hours extra to sleep thru the night and if I take a nap when Mags goes to bed it works really nicely. I'm also getting into a groove with the whole night feeding thing. I have started taking a box of shreddies to bed with me and I munch on that as I am feeding to keep my calories up and to keep myself awake :) might sprinkle some icing sugar on some to make them a bit tastier. I'm also straight breast feeding and not pumping now as the healthvisitor was so pleased with her weight. I'm just praying that on Weds when they weigh her again they will let me go 3 hourly during the day as well. It would just make things simpler. Although I can't wait to go and do my first "in public" breast feeding...not that I am going to wack them out and shout "look at me boobies ya'll" but I am proud of myself and won't be one of those women who hide in the bathroom. ;) I have my 'shmina and am all ready for an excuse to go have a cup of coffee somewhere. Maybe mom and I will go have coffee somewhere tomorow with Mags. Have a great weekend everyone! xx

our own

so yesterday Aimee was weighed and is now 5lb6oz and had gained 9oz in 6 days..more then an oz a day! She also got signed off from the neonatal outreach team over the phone. Today she was signed off by the midwife and now is just under the watch of the health visitor who will keep monitering her weight weekly and this is a good thing because I like to see her progress. It was getting really frustrating because it felt like she wasn't a baby of our own that she still belonged to the health services. She is now our own baby :) And is eating constantly. I pray that she settles into a routine of somesort soon as at the moment she eats non stop and sleeps only when held. During  the day it's ok but I do struggle at night. But God only gives us those things that He knows we can handle right? My mum is here at the moment for another 5 weeks and is giving such amazing support! It's so nice to have her here bossing me around :) Love it! Plus she is such a good cook I am definately getting the food I need. Maggie is head over heels in love with Aimee and can't stop kissing and loving on her!

Aimee Alice

I made it to 33 weeks, 6 days and 19 hours :) Aimee was born on a beautiful autumn evening in the hospital room. I did it naturally (not by choice mind you lol) and the most amazing perfect gift in the world was that I was able to hold her almost instantly for quite a while. It wasn't skin to skin as she had to be so wrapped up but it was me staring down at this perfect bundle of smallness...this little dot that was new to everything. She was born weighing 4lb15 1/2oz and came out screaming her little head off. Bless her! There werer no complications and she went straight into an incubator to get her temp regulated. She was out of it and into a cot by the next morning. She was born on Monday and was home by Thursday night. THe most amazing thing happened though. When she was first born my milk hadn't come through I couldn't even give her my colostrum as it was just dry bones. So we had resigned ourselves once again to bottles. I was upset but knew that she was more important than my need to "be a proper mum" to her by breastfeeding. I just knew this is our last baby and I wanted to experience it just once.  Anywys we were rooming in and my milk had come in but I didn't want to confuse her and I didn't think she would go on anyways so I sat there listening to her suddenly refusing her bottle and she kept nuzzling in towards my breasts..finally I gave in and put her on. The miracle moment was when she isntantly latched on and GULPED down an entire feed. The most amazing feeling is being able to provide the basic sustenence that your child needs. Since she is tiny though she gets tired easily so she would come off quickly and go to sleep, this was something I wasn't quite sure of what to do with as it was all so sudden and new to me. But they let us go home anyways. 
Aimee really struggled to put any weight on and actually lost 12% in the first few days. This is devastating for me and I am doing everything possible to keep her healthy.  We are working with the doctors, nurses, neonatal staff, and midwives doing everything we are told. Every two hours I pump, feed, top up with the breast and then snuggle her to replenish my supply. On Monday she hadn't lost anymore she just hadn't gained either. I am a believer in faith, I believe in claiming things in the name of Jesus and I believe that we are only given things that He knows that we can handle. I am believing and claiming growth in her and strength in her. Yes doing all those things for her feeds are difficult when I could quite easily reach for a bottle of formula and give it to her. BUT she wouldn't be getting all the nutrients.  The midwives are supportive either way and have said that whatever I choose to do they will support but they are so encouraging with my breast feeding and really that boost that I needed. God is a God of provision, He provides us with exactly what we need, when we need it. So He knows what Aimee needs and is providing it to exact measures. She is beautiful and I am finding this whole thing so enjoyable. Maggie is in love with her new sister but also very confused so I continually pray for her as she walks this journey with us, and Steve is in love but so overwhelmed by fear and memories of Maggie, and everything that he struggles at times. But that is expected. GOD IS GOOD! AND HE WILL PROVIDE AND MAKE MY BABY THRIVE!!!

green pumpkins?

Ok pumpkins here's the deal. I don't want to decorate you, I don't want to make you pretty because you are beautiful in your own right...I want to eat you. I want to chop you up, cook you up and eat you in pie and bread and cookies and soup....I can't do this if you are GREEN so hurry hurry little pumpkins hurry and turn so I can eat you!!! And goodness knows if there are any squash out there it is just a mass of vines and orange flowers. :O need to go and sort it out sooner or later. Maybe a job for Grammie Gaga and Magda in 2 weeks :) lol I can sit back and direct. But I would really like to get some pumpkin bread in the freezer before autumn is over!!!!

I choose

to be positive

I choose to live my life today with a smile on my face

I choose to not let the fatigue get me down and wear me into the ground

I choose to be ecstatic that I am 33+1 today and that I have come so far!

I choose not to be sad over news I found out last night inolving to very close friends of mine...

I choose to stand up today and say "you know what life can be really shitty but heck if I am going to let it ta me laying down!" 

I am sitting here peering over my bump marveling at the fact that I am nearly at the end of my pregnancy. I honestly didn't know if I would make it this far. I really and truely have been taking it one day at a time. I went back in to the hospital on Monday and I have shrunk but I hadn't been for 4 weeks and I had only shrunk to 4. Ok, so to most women pregnant at 33 weeks having a cervical canal measuring 4mm would be terrifying but I am not concerned. It's odd the sense of calm that I have felt this entire pregnancy...with Maggie I was stressed the whole time and so upset about if I had eaten the right things or drunk too much 7-up, or slept on the wrong side. This time around? I have literally just let go and let God. And when I do that it's an amazing experience one I would recomend to eveyone.  Allowing Him to take over and take my concerns, my worry and my stress is like saying "ok so my life is chaos but here you can deal wth it" and the funny thing is? He does deal with it.  I found out the baby is a really healthy weight already weighing in at 4lb12oz so almost twice what Maggie was when she was born....this ups my chances of holding her at birth and ups my chances to breast feed as I will be able to have more skin to skin with her. I am now looking forward to my mom getting here in 2 weeks :) yay!  I am desperate to stay pregnant for 3 more weeks at least just so she can have the full "pregnant mara" effect lol because everyone should get to experience me pregnant at some point...lol ;) ok well it is naptime and I am shattered so....love to all of you! xx M

Haven't posted for a little while :)

But we are all ok. In fact we are more then ok. We are all living and surviving. Maggie and I had our birthday last week and it was a bit crazy and it wouldn't have been a normal day in the Slater house if we didn't have to go to the drs at least once ;) lol Maggie was diagnosed with hand,foot and mouth virus and I was diagnosed with a viral infection of some sort...but like good girls we took it on the chin and fought the good fight. We are both recovered and feeling much better. Maggie much better then me. These days a sneezing fit leaves me in a bother and usually running for the potty :) But God is good I am now 32 weeks pregnant and am doing well. By well I mean normal pregnant things are happening that should be happening...This has been a week of losing things lol I am losing my balance, my hair, my temper, my sense of calm, my bladder control (although that went a while back) and my ability to see the funnier side of things. A woman that we vaguely know through a friend of a friend very nearly lost her hand as she tried to pat my stomach the other day...not a safe idea when Steve is banned from touching me let alone some crazy stranger. I find myself shouting at my socks because I can't reach my toes and I find myself peeing all over my hand in the doctors office because I can't seem to find or see the microscopic sample pot they have kindly provided for me. "yes mrs midwife I realize there isn't alot in the jar, no I'm not dehydrated it's just all over my bloody hand instead!" and yes I did wash and sterilize my hands after I was finished. I was thinking on tuesday when I turned 32 weeks that amazingly I am still pregnant. At 21 weeks they told me that I had to prepare myself because I might not make it to 24 weeks at 23 weeks they told me I needed a steroid shot because the baby could come anytime...and 27 weeks they told me that I should be aware that alot of prem babies come around the time of the first prem baby....ladies and gentlemen GOD has kept me pregnant so far! I am still pregnant. At this very moment my baby is tucked away nicely inside having a nap (why you ask? because she thinks night time is day time and does somersaults at 3-5am) and she is big she is so much bigger then maggie was. I can tell already and can't wait til they have a scan to find out exactly how much but I am thinking about 4 pounds now. Steve is really struggling with the calm  thing, for him it's all memories and knowing what happened the first time. He doesn't have this network of friends to lean on and he didn't grow up in a place that taught him to give things to God. I try my hardest to calm his fears but I think he just needs me to get to a good number of weeks and then he can be more at peace. I didn't think about it before from his perspective but when I had maggie he was powerless to help or save either of us, he had to sit there and watch us both struggle for life. I think it was hard enough for me to watch maggie struggle that to watch the two people you love most in life struggle to survive would be impossibly scary and then to think it might happen all over again must be terrifying. So honey I love you and we are going to be ok. We are going to come out of this triumphant and we are going to be able to say "Look what the Lord has done!" Because when I am with Steve I feel safe and I feel like everything will be ok I forget that he is only a person at the end of the day with the same feelings and emotions as everyone else. So if you get a chance send a prayer out for him as he is really struggling. I know this is all a bit of a ramble but that is what I do best :) It's a gorgeous autumn morning this morning and taking Mags to nursery I was reminded again of God's ever steady glory and beauty! The sun was out the sky was blue it was crispy  outside and the leaves were a golden colour. I love moments like this. Be blessed today in the knowledge that He is in control and He made you for a purpose! To live and to live beautifully! xxxxx M

If I could

if I could give you that one thing you ask for, I would. If I could make things work for you I would. If I could take away your sadness and pain and replace it with happiness and wholeness I would. But I am only human and can only be your friend who prays for you and is there when you are ready to talk. I'm sorry you are experiencing the things that you are going through and it makes me sad to think I can't help. You are an amazing person and your life shines into those around you in such a way you may never know. I love ya. xx

I was sat with some really good friends who are more like family today and was sat next to someone who is struggling to get pregnant and through a series of crappy circumstances just isn't working for her or it works and then it's stollen from her. I sat there looking at my huge belly and realized how hard it must be for her to go through the daily grind of things and to see mothers coming into nursery dropping off their children and coming in with their big bumps. I know about the wanting, the yearning and the ache that comes with not being able to concieve, but I know nothing about having that joy taken away completely. When Maggie was born early it was like a miscarriage and in fact her notes call it a miscarriage but she wasn't stollen completely she was just taken away from me and left to grow in a hospital. I cannot imagine the pain and the horror of having the immense joy taken away permanently and then getting up and moving on with your life only to have it happen over and over again. My heart breaks for you and if I could fix it I would. I don't know why life is treating you this way...and I am sorry for it.

My baby...

is no longer a baby..she is now a toddler. She is spending her first full day in the toddler room today and is just not in a baby phase anymore! I am so proud of you Maggie May, you have come so far and overcome so much! Every step you have taken I have held my breath and waited for you to look back and need me but you haven't you have been strong and looked straight ahead on this road called life. I know that you will still have times where nothing fixes anything better then me your mum but I am proud of today and this moment because two years ago we didn't think we would get to this point. I love you so much baby bean and you will forever and ever be my baby despite growing up and being such a clever strong girl.    I had to go to the store and get some cake to cheer myself up as I was feeling so emotional lol and I have put a pretty good dent in it. There is something comforting about bakewell tarts! I am loving the fondant... :) anywys...Maggie I love you and I'm proud of you, to the rest of the world, be proud of her too! And to anyone else who has ever had their baby turn around and say "buhbye mummy love you, good day"  and had your heart break into a million pieces I am sending you my hugs because that one moment summed up everything for me. Gone is the baby and here is the big girl.

Me and my cervix :) 29+1 today!

Sounds like the name of a really good book doesn't it lol! ;) Well last week I really struggled, I know that at the end of the day God is in control and there isn't anything more I can do...however it seemed like everytime we went into hospital it was another negative outcome. It was a long drawn out sad process that left me feeling drained and questioning myself and God. I have really tried my hardest to be upbeat, to be positive and to be trusting. To put on a brave face and to say "yes Jesus not mine but Your's"  and so far I have done it. But I had come to a point where I thought "you know I can't take another negative meeting, I can't handle it...I don't know what the alternative was to that thought because there wasn't much that could be done either way...but I had just had enough."  So we went in and there were 3 consultants, yes 3! 3 people who wanted to look at my cervix all at the same time...when I get nervous I get sarcastic and I really really wanted to blurt out "shall we open the doors and windows and let everyone have a look????"  But I restrained myself ;) Anyways onto the bed I hopped and into my cervix we peered. . . and what did we find?????????? NOTHING!!! My cervix had not shrunk since the last time and the doctors were shocked. I do like to see shocked doctors because it means that my Jesus did something THEY couldn't!!! MY JESUS held my cervix in place and kept it the same length. Now don't get me wrong, I am still at 9 (whatever that means, it's still very small) but the doctors said that they had seen women stay pregnant for weeks at 2! So I figure it is God in there holding this baby in place, it was God who helped the progesterone kick itself into gear and it is still God in there now but I reckon He's doing a bit of a victory dance as He's in there. If my consultant hadn't been a very obviously strong sikh believer I would have told Him it was because of my Jesus and because of prayer but I didn't want to offend him so I simply said "well there have been lots of prayers going up lately, they must have worked!"   This was what I needed. It isn't a promise that I won't go into labour early, it isn't a promise that I will get through this week BUT it was a reminder that God is there, He is listening, and no matter what state our lives are in, no matter what I am going through He can give us that YAY JESUS moment that we so desperately need. So today me and my cervix are doing little bits around the house but not alot as this point in my pregnancy my back has decided to give up the ghost and it feels like the baby has her legs wrapped around my spine and is dancing on my pelvis...so we are doing little jobs to make it LOOK tidy :) Just don't open the oven door ;)

morning reading

So I have been waking up consistently at 4am every morning. Not awake enough to get up and do housework but too awake to just lay there. So I have been reaching for my Bible and the other evening when I was doing my devotions I found Psalm 91 really good so every morning that I wake up I reach for my Bible and read this. I am loving it and it is helping me so much. Full of promises that really fit our life right now. I thought I would share it with you.

Psalm 91

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High


will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. [a]



2 I will say [b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust."



3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare

and from the deadly pestilence.



4 He will cover you with his feathers,

and under his wings you will find refuge;

his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.



5 You will not fear the terror of night,

nor the arrow that flies by day,



6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

nor the plague that destroys at midday.



7 A thousand may fall at your side,

ten thousand at your right hand,

but it will not come near you.



8 You will only observe with your eyes

and see the punishment of the wicked.



9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—


even the LORD, who is my refuge-






10 then no harm will befall you,


no disaster will come near your tent.



11 For he will command his angels concerning you

to guard you in all your ways;



12 they will lift you up in their hands,

so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.



13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;

you will trample the great lion and the serpent.



14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;


I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.






15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;


I will be with him in trouble,


I will deliver him and honor him.






16 With long life will I satisfy him


and show him my salvation."

 
I mean how cool is this! He is promising to look after me and to protect me, to hide me under His wings. All because I am trusting in Him! I haven't got any other choice then to trust Him. I either trust in Him or curl up in a ball and cry. So I choose trusting in Him! I hope this passage blesses you as much as it does me. Enjoy your week and be blessed!
This week I would apreciate extra prayer as it is our week 29 the week Maggie was born and it is a week where I will be on tender hooks as I wait for week 30 to get here. Thanks! M xx

friday feeling? no not really

It's Friday today and I don't feel like it's any other day of the week. Before I got signed off work I would rush in and we would all do a Friday wriggle and then get on with the day knowing that tomorow we could rest. Well I have been resting for nearly 2 whole months now and have another 3 to go :( 5 months is a long time. I am starting to feel the isolation. Because I am not allowed to go out and wander about as it puts pressure on my cervix, I am pretty much stuck at home. I can go to the park and library but it involves shoes and getting dressed into more than my pajamas. I need to invest in some pajamas that look like real clothes so I can go outdoors in them lol...although at the moment I have been wandering around in my christmas simpsons ones because they are most comfortable lol big baggy flannel bottoms and tiny top that doesnt go on my bump so it's not pulling tight. Really can't go out like that. I just miss having people to talk to. At work there would be any number of adults staff/parents that I would stop and chat with, I would sit with the kids and read stories and have conversations about Fireman Sam and IgglePiggle.  These when a telemarketer calls on the phone I get so excited and chatty it's them who wants to hang up quick ;) lol it makes me realize though how it must feel to be confined to bed. Mine is temporary and it will eventually be over and so worth it because the baby will have had this time to grow properly. But alot of people have to stay in bed permanently and it is sad. What on earth do they do with themselves? I mean after I make the rounds on the internet ie; netmums, facebook, twitter and blogger I am bored and that takes at the most 2 hours. Leaving me the rest of the day to do little jobs and eat. Mainly eat lol! But yeah I just am feeling a little bit depressed today and a little lonesome. I would love conversation of some kind. . . maybe the people from Npower will call again ;) lol have a good weekend everyone! 28+3 today!

we may have found a name!

I am keeping it a suprise but I think we may have found a name that we both like. I was talking to my mom last night and she mentioned it and I sort of brushed it off at first but then the more I played with it the more I loved it...so I feel better knowing that the baby has a name :) lol no longer spudlee...well to you and everyone else  She is still spudlee but to Steve and Maggie and I she has a name. Funny things names...you don't want them cheesy but you don't want them to formal and you want something that will be nice when she is 50 and not just 5...so yes I may change my mind but for now we have one! Oh and I am going to start reading to her...I know I should be talking to her regularly but for some reason I can't so I thought I would read stories outloud and then sing some songs as well...I am starting with Sometimes I Curl Up In a Ball and then The Giving Tree :) two of my favourites! Today is all about filling out forms for grants and aplications for exemption forms (getting them out of the way with now so it's done and ready to just go in the mail, rather than leaving it til last minute and losing out) and I may make a peach cobbler as I need to use up the peaches in my fridge, they are going a bit woody. I need to make a big cottage pie as well to throw in the freezer, I got the beef out last night just need to chop the veggies up to put in and bake it up. Feeling sleepy now so I am going to go and rest for a bit but have a good day everyone!
xox
Mara
28+1!

28 weeks

Yesterday we had another prem prevention clinic. I have resigned myself to the fact that there is not alot that they can do and have done their best to help me. I am grateful that God has placed them in my life and that He blessed me with their wisdom and foresight. My cervix is still shrinking and the baby is still growing well. These things combined make it appear that things could turn out like last time. I am not someone who likes to have no control in things yet strangely I know that for this moment in time there is nothing to control. God is the one in control, He knows when this baby should come and He knows what is best for my body. I am doing everything I physically can to help things along and am puting my trust in Him. There is that Bible verse that is about faith that can move mountains? I don't need faith to move mountains I need the faith that can hold this baby in place and strenghten my cervix. My dad is someone who I love and adore, he is funny and sweet and also very wise. I spoke to him last night and after telling him about my doctors apointment he said "well Mare, we know one thing.....at some point in the next 3 months you are going to have a baby!"  I know it sounds silly and simple but it's not really....we know that now there is nothing more then I can do apart from keep doing what I am doing. So at some point I am going to give birth. The longer she stays inside of me the better, and I would love nothing more to go full term and be one of those overly large grumpy women outside the hospital walking around in circles....but I would also love nothing more than knowing that if it came down to it my baby was healthy and strong and if it means coming early and letting doctors help her along then so be it. There were reasons Maggie was born early and perhaps my body just couldn't sustain her and God knew that which is why he allowed for her to come early. She is healthy and strong today and hasn't looked back once. It's not that I have resigned myself to defeat because I haven't...I have however given it over to God and I am aware that whatever happens He has His hands over us.  I am calm and I am not going to give in to fear. Fear is crippling, it allows for satan to come in and mess with my head. When I was in labour there was so much fear going through me that I was unrecognizable to most. If you let fear take over it makes you ill and takes away your freedom in Christ. I am a little nervous about the labour, but this is normal more because I remember how painful it was rather than what will happen and what needs to happen.  Our bodies are amazing things and they do what it takes to get the baby out...of this I am not worried. The mind numbing contractions and the bleeding I am a little nervous about but again I will be in hospital and MY GOD IS A HEALER!!!!! In fact I know that God can heal my cervix and strengthen it, I know that if my body can withstand it God will hold this baby in place! He is a good God! So I am 28 weeks today and am praising Jesus that we made it through another day. Life is hard, people are sad, and money is tight, illness is everywhere and yet I sit here and I praise my Jesus because I know that He is in control and He is the reason I have made it this far. I worship Him for every minute more I get to be pregnant and keep trusting him for one more minute. God you are my God and I will ever praise You...I will praise you through my mourning and I will follow You all of my days! I am in awe of your mercy and your Grace! I lift up my face to you and I give you my fears, my tears and my anger...I ask that as I continue on this journey you would take these things and turn them into dancing and joy. You would fill me with even more peace as I continue to trust in you. You know what we are facing financially, physically and emotionally. As an indiviudal, a couple and as a family...Jesus you know what we need and I am trusting in You to fulfill it. I thank you Jesus!

Love Always,
Mara

I Would Die For That

This is for you, for all of you who go through this and are going through this. This is a prayer for Strength, for Peace and for Hope. My heart breaks for you and I cry tears of pain I don't know anything about. I grieve with you. It is a natural and honest desire to fulfill that which keeps being taken away from you. I pray that today at least you would find a small ray of happiness and know that there is a plan somewhere in the midst of all of this. I know it is hard for you and I know that words don't mean alot in this situation but please know that what you are going through is not something to be taken on as "being brave" and that you are allowed to be angry, hurt and devastated. I'm here for you.

X

Mara

27 weeks

It's really strange but I feel like celebrating! I made it another week! To most women they don't even think twice about getting to this point in their pregnancy and they start wishing they were done already. Here I am grasping each day as though it is my last day pregnant and I made it another week! 13 weeks to go! Yay Jesus! I know that I complain about alot of things in pregnancy and I probably do go on about it more than I should but today I am ecstatic and am praising Jesus for everything because each thing that goes on is a "normal" pregnancy thing and that means that things are going ok! If having constipation, insomnia, constant wierd cravings and trips to the loo mean that I can keep this little woman inside for that little bit longer then so be it! I praise you Jesus for I am fearfully and wonderfully made..most days fearfully but today I am wonderfully made as well! I praise you Jesus for you unending "thereness" you are there for me when I am awake and asleep, you are there for me when I am happy or sad, you are there for me when I get tired and feel so alone, and you are there to celebrate with me as the days turn into weeks. I love you Jesus and I am so in awe of your faithfulness...you give me strength Jesus in a way I couldn't find any other way....Amen.

Yesterday I got into a bit of an arguement with someone online and got a little self righteous, but it wasn't because I was trying to be prideful I was trying to stick up for what was right. I think lately the world has become so complacent and so accepting to really wrong comments...this one tipped me over the edge, and he started arguing with me and do you know? I actually stood up for myself properly and may have looked silly at some point but I stuck up for what was right and felt so good doing it! I am going to start speaking my mind in regards to what is right and wrong more often. I know that just because I don't go to church people don't see us as Christians but it is about time I got vocal about my Jesus and about what is right!  :) K I am stepping off my podium now. xx

Insomniac

So this is new...I am now unable to sleep at all tonight. I went to bed at 11 and it is now almost 4am and I am wide awake. I finally made my way downstairs for a glass of milk and to try and wear myself out but so far nothing. I am not too concerned because I am taking Maggie to nursery tomorow and will be able to catch up on rest then but normally I get some sort of sleep in the night. I just was laying there and my mind would not switch off. So I am going to try and write a survival guide I think to get published somehow. When Maggie was born I couldn't find anything that was positive or had alot of HOPE in it and there were days in that ward that I really didn't feel like going in and being a mum to a baby hooked up to wires and needles. I looked for something and the only thing I found was the occasional support from people who ran a small charity and they were amazing, and from the nursing staff and from other mum's and people who surrounded me. But there was not alot too physically see and touch saying "you can get through this" So while I am off I want to try and put together something to give other mum's hope. Especially since having Maggie I have been able to get through alot of this pregnancy as I just look at her and see how well she has done and she gives me hope for this time around. I think one thing that really got to me when we were in hospital with her was that sometimes you get so lost in living from day to day and minute to minute that you lose sight of the home goal...eventually you do leave the hospital one way or another and eventually your life does find some sort of normal. It might not be the normal it was before you had this baby but it goes into a normal phase. You get so caught up in doctors, consultants, notes, nosey nursery nurses who mean well but forget that you don't get to take your baby home with you and all you want to do is hold them close. There are things to this day 2 years on that still make me shudder. When we go in for my clinic apointments they have that hand sanitizer and the smell of it makes me shudder because it was used by so many doctors as they examined my baby, the lights in the hospital they make me cringe as I have so many memories of lying my head back and staring up at them while beepers went off around me on moniters and parents  rushed about to do their "normal" routine. Things that alot of people take for granted like the fleeting touch of a baby's hand against your arm as they nuzzle in or the quiet stillness in the night for those gruesome night feeds...I didn't get those in the begining they were stolen. BUT   we survived and we left the hospital on a gloriously beautiful sunny Autumn day and it was like a new begining. It hasn't been easy and only since Maggie was about 15 months old did I finally start to relax a little bit about her, but we did survive and she does give me hope daily. She brings joy  and she brings me that sense of everything can be ok...I want to be able to share that with people and try and give them a little bit of hope.

melt down

Last night I had a melt down moment. Steve is working full time and Maggie is at nursery full time. I am at home resting full time. We don't see alot of one another and I don't have energy to do alot when we are together. I had casually mentioned to Steve that since I was getting pain in my pelvis when I stand for to long that he might have to help me do some housework tomorow which I hate asking him to do because he does work so much and it's not fair to expect him to do housework on top of work work. Well he had had a really bad day at work and I chose the wrong moment to mention it (you know how in marriage there are the right and wrong times to mention things? Well this wasn't the right moment) So he made some rude remark about how I was home sat no my ass all day and why couldn't I just do some of it. He didn't mean it and later apologized for being such a jerk and went out and got me some pickles to make up for it..but in that single moment all of my frustrtations came pouring out in a single comment and I was reduced to blubbering. I know that I am useless at the moment, I am feeling really useless actually...I feel it's my job as a mother and wife to keep the house tidy and to look after my family. I can't do the simplest of tasks like change the laundry because bending down pulls on my uterus. I am fully aware that the kitchen is in need of a good tidy and I do little bits when I have the energy but no sooner do I get done with one load of dishes there is another one waiting. I just couldn't stop crying and I know it's down to the change in hormones as I am taking the Cyclogest progesterone things and that I had two steroid injections and despite what they say I am sure it affected me some little bit. But I am starting to wonder how I am going to be able to handle more time off. I miss my friends and my family from home. I know that there are people praying for me over here but people don't really come around because they don't want me to get tired. But I would love a visit with people! So I am fine this morning it's a gorgeous day and I made pancakes since I couldn't sleep in lol I woke up wired. I now need to get up and start this day but if anyone is reading this then please just keep me in your prayers as I am not in the strongest place right now and am feeling rather feeble.

I went back to the doctors and they decided that I could go into labour anytime in the next two weeks. They signed me off work and they gave me two steroid injections to help the baby's lungs develop and strengthen her heart. In the same breath they then said "on the other hand you could go full term"  this left me feeling absolutely shocked. They have signed me off work and I am now off for 9 months. :S I really feel a bit like a bird or an animal that is made to sit still and hatch an egg. I am calmer then I thought I would be. It's more a case of well there is nothing I can do apart from rest and trust in God. So I am leaving it up to God and whatever happens happens. It's just that now everytime my stomache twitches or something I sort of get a bit nervous, and then I start to over think things but we are taking things one day at a time. So this is just an update...I am sure there will be more to come as I am home doing nothing :) xx

Cheesy!

I have now come to an all time pregnancy moment.... I cannot get enough of the dairylea triangles! I would buy the spread but I would only sit and eat it out of a tub in one sitting...although the triangles don't really

make it passed two sittings. :-O  I don't normally like "crap" food but all of a sudden I am craving these fatty, glutenous slimy triangles! I went through a box of 16 in two days and am making my way quite nicely through another one today ;) I'm not too worried as the baby obviously needs something in it and I've been told I don't want to get underweight again this time through so I will happily sit here slurping my cheese! But you know when you read about pregnant cravings in books and you think "gosh that's really greedy I would never do that"    lol it's true! I am loving the cheese this week :) xx

What a difference!

When I was pregnant with Maggie I had everything ready and prepared for her by 24 weeks. I had everything I needed bought and then people gave us the things we didn't have. We were set and ready to go. Clothes were washed and hung in the wardrobe, nappies were bought and wipes were stacked neatly on the sideboard by the changing mat. THIS TIME around???? I have nothing prepared lol I have things we need but it is all in a cupboard in Maggie's room and I've not made a list of things to do yet. I have my bag for hospital packed but only because I live in mortal fear of having to wear the same clothes for 3 days straight again. I just don't feel the urgency that I did with Maggie or the excitement. I guess my motto is as long as we have a pack of nappies and something for the baby to sleep in when she comes home then we are ok? It's just such a difference. I don't even have the bottles or the buggy yet! I mean I do have some clothes for her but not alot of tiny clothes or newborn clothes, and I definately don't have a name picked out yet. The child may go round being known as Baby Slater for the first year of her life ;) lol hmmmm I am so disorganized this time around...will I ever get ready?

Someone so little:

This is me being a fluffy mummy in a fluffy moment....I was just looking at some photos of Maggie and I just got all mushy (blame the pregnant hormones lol) and I was just overwhelmed!  Someone who started out so little and so fragile...she is so sweet and so perfect. She is just the epitome of cute. Her cheeky grins, her chubby (yes chubby!) little arms and legs, her round little bottom that wriggles when she walks, her tiny toes and her long legs..she's come so far and done so much! My baby, my angel! I love you!  xxxxxx Mummy

Tumble tot :)

. All of the scans show that she is a she BUT I am feeling so pregnant and so different from the first time! This week I have had constant heartburn, constand tummy stretching and a constant foot in my ribcage. I am sure that if it's not a boy then She is going to have some might powerful legs and arms. She doesn't move as much as Maggie did but when she does....lawd ahmitey!!! it's like look out there's a tornado about! Apart from the stretching I am feeling ok. By ok I mean insomnia and constipation and constant grumpiness... lately all it takes is someone giving me a not so sunny smile in a que and it sets me off on a rampage...I tend to find the worst place to go shopping is Market. I love market normally and try to get as much as possible from there but these days I am so irritable that the poor stall traders don't have a chance. I am so grateful that my bump is growing as much as it is, I mean with Maggie nobody could really tell I was pregnant with her untill just before I went into labour I was so tiny. This time around I am a little nervous that I am going to be in trouble when it comes to labour...I keep joking about the epidural but I think it may just come to that. The gas and air barely covered it with Mags so I am assuming that the epidural is going to be my hero in about 13 weeks :) I am immune to most pain issues which is why this pregnancy confuses me so much and I suppose shows to most how painful pregnancy really is. It's not like in the books and movies where you float through 9 months blissfully rubbing that stomache that magicly gets bigger and bigger without you realizing...I am aware of every single bloody stretch and tear in my muscles. It takes alot for me to say ouch and even more for me to swear in pain but lately I have done both and quite frequently. One of the worst things is the not sleeping. Last night I got 3 hours sleep and it wasn't all at once it was like a half hour here and there...I can definatey say that I am not graceful, beautiful or glowing this time....I am fat, grumpy and hot for most of it...I don't feel attractive and am quite prone to snapping your head and your nether parts off if  you so much as mention "hormones" to me ;) but alas there is a miracle of life growing inside of me and I will carry her for as long as I can with the knowledge that I did my best and if it's not good enough then at least  I tried right?

It's a funny thing...

to be told to sit and rest when you don't feel like you are ill in the first place. I suppose there is a difference between resting because you are ill and resting to prevent yourself from getting ill in the first place. Today I am contemplative and in the mood to be inspired. On days like today I like to find something that makes me smile and think. SO I googled Dr. Seuss quotes and came up with some really good ones! I grew up with the good ol' doctor S and am firmly in love with him and his ideas of imagination and childhood. My most favourite stories included The Grinch, Green Eggs and Ham and Rings on Fingers Rings on Thumbs....and so many other amazing stories. The thing I loved about Dr. Seuss is that each story had a deeper meaning, yes they were fun rhyming books but they also inspired you to look at the bigger picture and think about the world around you. He challenged you to use your imagination to it's fullest extent and when you finished reading you half expected to walk outside your door in the winter and be greeted by a Who   or on holiday in a hot place to find an ellephant named Horton :) so I thought I would include just a few of those wonderful quotes I found today and share them with you! They made me smile and laugh and sit and think about my imagination and how I want Maggie to have just as big an imagination as I have if not a greater one (although that I am sure is a very hard task lol)

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."


"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."





"A person's a person, no matter how small."



(Horton Hears a Who!)


"The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go."



 (I Can Read with My Eyes Shut)


"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"







"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."







"You're off to Great Places!



Today is your day!


Your mountain is waiting,


So... get on your way!"


 (Oh, the Places You'll Go!)


"In my world, everyone's a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies!"







"So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains."



 (Oh, the Places You'll Go!)


"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow,



stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more."


 (How the Grinch Stole Christmas!)


"I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny, but we can have lots of good fun that is funny."



 (The Cat in the Hat)


"So...



be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray


or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,


you're off to Great Places!


Today is your day!


Your mountain is waiting.


So...get on your way!"


 (Oh, the Places You'll Go!)

we are ok...for now ;)

So we went in today and at first she did the scan and it did look like my cervix was shrinking and we started discussing what could be done and then she said I had a bit of a full bladder and could I go empty it? So I went and emptied my bladder and then she remeasured and I had gone back up to my first measurement. Aparantly they had measured me with my bladder slightly full the last time and hadn't bothered to ask me to empty it. BUT I have been signed off for 3 weeks  to rest and get through this scary period. Am relieved but stressed about finances and needing to rely on God as He is my provider! I will be on sick pay and not full time pay...but GOD IS GOOD AND WILL PROVIDE!!

keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times and do not desend untill ride has come to a complete stop....

well stop already! and Sod the bit about keeping my arms and legs in! I am in one of those arms flailing legs kicking moods. Warning this is a pity party so if you don't want to read it don't....I woke up this morning after spending the week resting and the weekend NOT resting and felt physically sick. My apt is at lunch time and I am scared. I can't seem to just let God have my fears and my worries. What am I going to do if I get there and they say "well actually Mrs. S, we do think you need this proceedure and we do think it should be done this week"  what will I do with Maggie? What will Steve do? How will I cope? I am terrified. I can see the future looking bright and sunny I can see our happy little family going places and doing things. I can see myself pushing my cute P&T Sport around being the yummy mummy that I so desperately wish I was...but I just need to get through the next 15 weeks. 15 weeks is a long time and to be honest the last 24 weeks have been a long time. I am over half way and I know that most women don't even blink at this point it's like "right here we go I am in the home stretch" well for me it feels like this is the longest part, the most intense part. I am desperate for someone to come up and say to me " Mara I would like to fast one day a week untill you have that baby at 40 weeks"   I want someone to be called to say "I will stand in the gap and hold you up as you make this journey"    I never knew how lonely being pregnant with a high risk pregnancy could be...people don't ask questions because they don't know what to say and don't want to offend, people annoy me by limiting how I do things because they mean well but leave me feeling helpless, and my midwife well I am not even going to go there she is the most useless unhelpful unemotive piece of human flesh I have ever encountered...not once has she asked how I am doing it is her bloody job to do the normal pregnancy things...she just assumes that the consultant will deal with everything....well yes the consultant is making sure that the baby doesnt fall out early but it's not her job to check and make sure that I am feeling ok and that I don't have any worries about the birth. Actually to be honest I am not worried about the birth. After having Maggie with no clue whatsoever as to how things are done with no pain relief apart from Gas and Air which they didn't tell me untill the end I could use as much as I wanted....I am not scared about that. The body takes over and you just go along for the ride......but it's just the next 15 weeks I am scared of. But I am not feeling ok emotionally....emotionally I am angry, I am scared, I am nervous, I am stressed....I can't sleep at night because I am worried that if I sleep a certain way it will tear my placenta or shorten my cervix...I eat constantly and take my vitamins not because I want to but because I am determined that SHOULD anything happen the baby will have a bit of a chance....Pregnancy should not be this complicated...what have I done in my life that makes it so stressful..nothing is simple these days.

warning pregnant woman hormones :)

So yesterday I was a bit humbled/embarrassed/put in my place? I am not the nicest person when I am pregnant and I am also not the nicest person when I am stressed so you throw the two together and this week I have been the bitch from hell (sorry mom) but it's true and the worst part is I take it out on ppl closest to me. I take it out on them because I think deep down I know they won't disown me and because they are family or like family they will love me despite of  this. But yesterday I got told off for it and I really respect her for doing it. I had been going through the week in a terror...I wasn't intentionally doing it but sometimes I just do this and it gets out of hand..I become evil. Snapping, being rude, grumpy, ill mannered....yes folks even the princess of etiquete has her bad weeks. To be fair on my part I did get some terrifying news from the hospital and have been really upset about it. BUT as my parents have said from birth "there is no excuse for a bad attitude"   and Elleanor Rosevelt (sp) once said "it is us and only us who gives ourselves permission to be miserable, the rest is up to nature" And of course when someone corrects me I am a such a proud cow that I always get sarcastic and put my back up but after thinking about it for a minute she was  right I had been rude...horribly rude and I hadn't set a good example at all.  So to my best friend I love you and I am so sorry for hurting you this week, it wasn't intentionally aimed at you and I pray you forgive me. You know how scared I am and I know it's no excuse but I am sorry and will try harder. xx  Pregnancy is not easy, even calm normal pregnacies....this one has been hard from conception. I have been ill longer than most women, I have been scared every moment, I have been in and out of hospital, and I have been given restrictions on things that are like breathing to me ie. lifting children, doing the vacuming, reaching up to get things off shelves, lifting groceries, and normal day to day things...I am banned from doing them. I know God has a plan and a purpose for everything and I know that I am indeed a child of the greatest physician and healer and protector. I know this....but I am still human and I still have my wobbly weeks....and this is one of them.  On a more positive note tonight is our house warming/birthday party extravaganza and I am praying for perfect bbq weather! I need to get off here and get dressed so I can pop to market and get the fresh veggies I need....Steve is in charge of the man food (meat) I am in charge of the woman food (salads and desserts lol) so I need to go and get some stuff to go in my salads as my tomatos are there (MILLIONS OF THEM!) but just very green still....won't they taste good though!!!! Take care and God bless you whatever you do this weekend!

In Him,
Mara

I claim this!

I was looking at my calendar today and set a memo for certain days such as 24,34 and 38 weeks...I am claiming these dates in faith! I know that God knows what is going to happen in the end but I am claiming them. Physically, emotionally and spiritually...as each one passes I am going to celebrate and then look forward to my next date. I am 22 weeks today so that means I can celebrate one of those dates in two weeks....pray with me and claim these dates with me. I'm not asking I am pleading. Pray for me as  we make this journey. I am desperate to hold my daughter when she is born, for my husband to cut the cord and to hear the words...."would you like to hold your baby?" those words were stollen from me when I had maggie and I am claiming them in faith this time around. I WILL HOLD MY BABY!!!!!! God is holding this baby in place and He is not going to let go untill He see's fit.

A grown up...

what does this mean? What is a grown up? Is a grown up someone who pays their bills, goes to work, eats properly, has a home they share with someone or people they love, perhaps has children....what makes a grown up grown? At what point do we say "I am no longer young, I am now a grown up" ? I was sat in the dentist today dreading absolutely dreading it and I all of a sudden wanted my mum! lol Now I am what I would consider in between a grownup and a young adult. I don't consider myself to be old but I am not young. However I rarely want my mum...I am a fully responsible, fully capable and functioning person who thinks, breathes and does my own thing...I look after my family and I pay my bills on time I work hard and I enjoy my time. But in that fleeting moment I wanted my mum. And for that moment I didn't feel like a grown up at all, I felt like a child all alone in the big bad world. Is it odd for me to feel this way or is it normal? At what point do we stop feeling the need for our parents support and step out into the world on our own. For as independent as I am, I know that I can always pick up the phone and my mum will be here. I know if I ever get lost or stuck somewhere I can call collect (yes she will probably complain for the rest of my life) but I can call home and call my mom and dad and they will sort out a way for me to get home safely. At what point do I stop that? I would do the same for Maggie and would go through hell barefoot to get her home safely from somewhere but it just got me thinking and wondering if knowing your parents are there and if not relying on them, but relying on the assurance of them being there...if that made me less of a grown up? I think that God is a bit like a parent in some ways isn't He. He is there and although I don't rely on him physically daily, I know He is there if I should happen to get lost and need help. I talk to Him daily about things and I try my best to be a good daughter to Him. I know I fail miserably most of the time but the point is that I am trying, and that is all He requires. My relationship with Him could be much better but I think that in time I will gain that relationship...I'm a good daughter and am loyal. I don't stray...anyways..I think this is all down to my anisethetic they used on my tooth today I probably make no sense whatsoever...but it is my thought for the day. xxx

Home grown :)

I have always wanted the space to "make" things. Be it cards, crafts, cooking, babies, families lol just space! I have found that space in our new home. I am in such a big home grown stage at the moment. I am making Steve's birthday present and making a bunch of cakes/cupcakes/pavlova type things this weekend. I also plan on getting caught up with some scrap booking this week as well. I am constantly in my garden checking on my lavender and flowers to see what I can press to go in my scrap book and constantly wishing I had a sewing machine so I can make some cushions rather than buying ones that look home made lol I think something about the way the economy is going bust and ppl are starting to realize that we can't go on living by just spend spend spending is getting to me and I am finding it a joy to be able to look at what we have and be blessed by it and to make it work to it's fullest potential. I'm not saying we need to do this but I think that the Bible teaches us not to waste, and to make the most of what we have. So I am planning on doing that. I don't use a dryer at the moment (mainly because I am waiting for the sale so I can get to eco friendly one) but everything goes on the line and smells blissful when it comes inside, I reuse my dishwater to water my tomatoes and the soap keeps the flies off, I donate regularly to charity shops and am not to proud to get the odd tshirt or dress for Maggie and I from there. I got the most gorgeous beige maternity top from there with the tags still on it for 1.25 you can't beat that! When I eventually get my sewing machine I am going to turn all my old sweaters into cushion covers...I saw it on etsy or martha and fell in love with the idea! Our walls are all white so in the evenings as it is still so light out I light candles and  turn the lights out.  We shop at our local fruit and veg shop and I try to go to market to get our meat as much as time will allow. I am not an eco warrior but I do believe in cherishing what we have and doing what I can to make it last. I want Maggie to grow up with a sense of apreciation for life and things in her life. I want her to know that "things" are special and to be apreciated. I don't know what I am trying to say and I am mostly just rambling but I am really trying and really enjoying this whole new phase of my life. It's not so much for the goverment and the good of the planet...it's for the good of my family and it gives me so much satisfaction knowing that I am doing something positive to help enrich their lives and the creativity enriches my life at the same time.  Blessings to you and yours!
xox
Mara and Spudlee

oh ps
we found out we are having a girl! So we are thinking either Aimee Alice Slater   OR   Emilee (not sure about a middle name) Slater  :) Another princess to spoil rotten!

My nest

I am a homebody I always have been and most probably always will be. I love the feeling of being at home in my house. I love knowing that when I close my door after a long day that This SPACE is mine and nothing can harm me, nothing can upset me without my consent and nothing can get in the way of my solace. Home should be a place of rest, of tranquility, of love, and of peace. It should be a family place that encourages growth and happiness. It should be a place of worship and a place of honour and true love. I think that no matter what you live in as long as you have these things then your house will become a home with time. We were blessed to find our house and to feel at home in it instantly.  I believe that a home is somewhere that you kick your shoes and socks off, you grab your brew whatever it is that you drink, and you make yourself at home. If you want to watch tv then please feel free, if you want to lay down and rest go ahead, if you want to go toodle about in the garden it is a safe garden with life growing inside of it...I don't have many rules in my home I believe that people take more time to fix then things and things tend to be replaceable friendships aren't.  If you spill/break or damage something depending on what it is I am not going to go ape at you I will just shrug and take it as a lesson learned and then giggle when we discuss it later over wine :) a home is about people, it's about friendship and it's about keeping things real. I also have an honesty rule in my home...you are entitled to your opinion but please give me the curtesy and respect I deserve by telling me the truth and don't lie to me.  Also a simple one is before bed I lay a hand on Maggie's door and pray a hedge of protection around her and the rest of the house. It is just my thing...you know?  One very important and last rule is Be Yourself.....I hate people coming into my home and trying to pass themselves off as something they aren't. I don't care who you are at work, what you earn and where you are from....I care about you as a person and you as a human being....not a human doing :) I have been contemplating home alot recently and these are my thoughts so far. I am sure there will be more eventually! xx

I'm back!

So I finally have my internet back and I am so blessed! I have really missed it! I have gotten so into blogging and finding my emotions through it. It is something that I find really helps me. I know alot of it is not the most mature mind altering content but it doesnt need to be it is what makes me tick. And we know that I am not the most mature mind altering person lol :) BUT nonetheless I am back. I do need to go and get my darling angel of a baby up out of bed though so I will post more tonight with photos and everything! Hope everyone is well and healthy.
Love,
M

Moving :)

Moving in has been such a stressful frustrating time for me! I am not allowed to clean as the products are too strong and the fumes would harm me and the baby, I can't lift, and I can't stand on ladders :( I also can't lift plant pots around or be out in the sun bending over for too long. I feel like a 15th century pregnant royal....And I am so frustrated!!!!!! I was so grateful for her help but so glad to finally have Freda go home and I could go and enjoy my kitchen/bedroom/bathroom on my own terms and not have to listen to opinions. I am very particular and want things a very certain way in my own home. Anyone would....ohhhh and don't get me started on the black garbage bags that got filled with all of Maggies clothes when I was told specificly not to pack them as they would be taken over in their drawers as they were....I had to spend hours to sort out 0-24months worth of clothes I was absolutley spitting mad. AND the same happened with my clothes and then was told I had far too much underwear....what the heck???? First why were you in my underwear drawer and secondly why the hell is it any of your opinion???? I happen to like underwear...who doesn't?? Anyways it was more than generous of them to come down and help them move and they helped get our garden into a beatiful resting place where all my veggies are growing happily and my flowers are starting to poke through. My couches are being delivered tomorow and I am so excited about them, can't wait to have really nice furniture for once. Our bedroom looks amazing I just need to get that photo of steve and I's silouette blown up to go above the fireplace in our bedroom and some words printed somewhere...thinking of the lovey quotes from the belvediere site I think??? Anyways we will get there sooner or later. Steve is happy as a clam in his new abode and Maggie is settling in as best as can be expected. She has had a few sleeplesss nights but is teething as well which doesnt help. Oh the bump is growing so much! I was looking at some pictures of when I was pregnant with Maggie and at 20ish weeks I was half the size that I am now at 17 weeks. So I am taking this as a good sign. I also cannot stop eating! And I can drink coffee now :) YAY! So life is starting to feel good. I am a bit afraid to relax into it though because so much has gone wrong I just keep waiting for some sort of upheaval to happen.....I am sure it is just Satan trying to steal my joy but it is still so scary! Right I need to go as I am at the library and my time is almost up and and I need to go find my germ spray :) Love public spaces..........NOT! :( xoxoxoxox World!

So I love technology :P

I'm sitting outside, listening to creation sing and dance, I am watching the water float lazily through the canal and enjoying the feel of a warm breeze on my face...no I am not in the caribean but today has been beautiful, I have really enjoyed my weekend. I have packed a bit and cleaned alot...but mainly Maggie and I have played outside..I forgot her play shoes at nursery but that didnt stop my fearless bug she was out stomping away in the grass and sidewalk...to the point that she fell over and got a big ol' scrape on her knee, I was more upset then she was...she just got right back up and went back to find her ball. We have learned three new words this weekend "ball, GOAL!, and CHEESE but is sounds more like Seeeeeeese"  we have also learned that when the bar is off our buggy we have learned how to climb up into it and stand on the sides like some sort of pirate surfer chick....scarrrryyyy!!!!! But I love technology 3 years ago I wouldn't have considered bringing my computer outside to sit in the sunshine....it would have been far to big lol but here I sit on a wifi laptop enjoying the weather and enjoying my blogging! :) Life is fun. I am feeling so much better today and this weekend, I think it is the weather and knowing we are moving into somewhere nicer, also knowing I will be closer to work and not have to leave so early and get home so late. So I guess that while some people are sitting in church praising Jesus this morning. I am sat outside in HIS creation praising HIM and thanking HIM for his wonderous glorious grace and mercy. I praise you Jesus and I lift you up! I thank you for all that you do and all that you continue to do in my little family. I praise you for the good and I thank you for the things you teach me through the bad. I worship you Lord and I pray that this week as we continue to move and get closer to thursday when we do move in that you would let this be a relaxing time and an enjoyable time that we can celebrate how far we have come...and where you are taking us. Thank you Jesus! AMen!    Right I must go check on Steve's chicken and put my trout in....yummy baked trout with roast potatoes and broccoli with a lemon and butter drizzle :) I love feeling good! xxxxx

Let's try this with a little less hostility this time please ladies?

Ok when I was trying to get pregnant with Maggie I used to find it really hard when pregnant women flaunted their stomaches around and discussed their pregnancies. I used to go home and cry. But then I got pregnant and I realized so very quickly that it is flaunting, it is more just a natural ocurance to discuss things. I am a discusser I talk....if I had a headache I would say to you "wow I've got a bit of a headache I'm going to have some water"  I am sick to death of someone I work with and Jo it's not you...being absolutely hostile towards me while I am pregnant. When I was pregnant with Maggie she was the same. I will come in the room and she will get up and leave or just start talking about something she knows I'm not interested in so I won't be able to comment, and if I mention the baby she will roll her eyes and huff under her breath...it wouldnt be so bad but this woman is newly married and hasnt been trying for a baby for more than a year. She is also a GROWN woman so I really wish the hostility would just stop. I am sorry she is upset by me being pregnant but at the end of the day, it's not my fault her body doesn't work properly, and it's not my fault her other half isn't overly keen on having a baby just yet.  We  aren't particularly close and it is more of a proffessional friendship...I think she assumes that because I don't own a house, car, or go to church that I don't "derserve" to have this happiness. She has said several times "oh well you wouldnt understand you don't go to church"  what the hell??????? I may not go to church but I was brought up in one and that is the reason I DONT GO  TO CHURCH NOW is people with her attitude. This pregnancy is terrifying and not once has she asked how it is going, she will sit and watch me discuss it with Maggie's key person but she won't ask about it...she knows I have no family here and that my closest friends are a million miles away. She knows how scared I am and yet still I am the one who is wrong....I am not a spiteful person but when she gets hostile I so badly want to start talking about my pregnancy  intentionally and pull my tshirt up and flaunt my bump...BUT I am not that mean, I have been discreet about it, I don't talk openly about it unless someone asks or unless I am about to go throw up and I need to make sure there is enough staff to cover me while I am gone. With Maggie I was in the mind set of "oh maybe I have done something wrong by getting pregnant and maybe I shouldnt be talking about it so much" and I walked on eggshells and was really and truely made to feel like an outsider. I don't will illharm to this person in fact I wish her all the happiness that life can bring her because EVERYONE deserves that. Her, You and especially pregnant me :) Why can't we all just be happy for each other?