keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times and do not desend untill ride has come to a complete stop....

well stop already! and Sod the bit about keeping my arms and legs in! I am in one of those arms flailing legs kicking moods. Warning this is a pity party so if you don't want to read it don't....I woke up this morning after spending the week resting and the weekend NOT resting and felt physically sick. My apt is at lunch time and I am scared. I can't seem to just let God have my fears and my worries. What am I going to do if I get there and they say "well actually Mrs. S, we do think you need this proceedure and we do think it should be done this week"  what will I do with Maggie? What will Steve do? How will I cope? I am terrified. I can see the future looking bright and sunny I can see our happy little family going places and doing things. I can see myself pushing my cute P&T Sport around being the yummy mummy that I so desperately wish I was...but I just need to get through the next 15 weeks. 15 weeks is a long time and to be honest the last 24 weeks have been a long time. I am over half way and I know that most women don't even blink at this point it's like "right here we go I am in the home stretch" well for me it feels like this is the longest part, the most intense part. I am desperate for someone to come up and say to me " Mara I would like to fast one day a week untill you have that baby at 40 weeks"   I want someone to be called to say "I will stand in the gap and hold you up as you make this journey"    I never knew how lonely being pregnant with a high risk pregnancy could be...people don't ask questions because they don't know what to say and don't want to offend, people annoy me by limiting how I do things because they mean well but leave me feeling helpless, and my midwife well I am not even going to go there she is the most useless unhelpful unemotive piece of human flesh I have ever encountered...not once has she asked how I am doing it is her bloody job to do the normal pregnancy things...she just assumes that the consultant will deal with everything....well yes the consultant is making sure that the baby doesnt fall out early but it's not her job to check and make sure that I am feeling ok and that I don't have any worries about the birth. Actually to be honest I am not worried about the birth. After having Maggie with no clue whatsoever as to how things are done with no pain relief apart from Gas and Air which they didn't tell me untill the end I could use as much as I wanted....I am not scared about that. The body takes over and you just go along for the ride......but it's just the next 15 weeks I am scared of. But I am not feeling ok emotionally....emotionally I am angry, I am scared, I am nervous, I am stressed....I can't sleep at night because I am worried that if I sleep a certain way it will tear my placenta or shorten my cervix...I eat constantly and take my vitamins not because I want to but because I am determined that SHOULD anything happen the baby will have a bit of a chance....Pregnancy should not be this complicated...what have I done in my life that makes it so stressful..nothing is simple these days.