Me and my cervix :) 29+1 today!

Sounds like the name of a really good book doesn't it lol! ;) Well last week I really struggled, I know that at the end of the day God is in control and there isn't anything more I can do...however it seemed like everytime we went into hospital it was another negative outcome. It was a long drawn out sad process that left me feeling drained and questioning myself and God. I have really tried my hardest to be upbeat, to be positive and to be trusting. To put on a brave face and to say "yes Jesus not mine but Your's"  and so far I have done it. But I had come to a point where I thought "you know I can't take another negative meeting, I can't handle it...I don't know what the alternative was to that thought because there wasn't much that could be done either way...but I had just had enough."  So we went in and there were 3 consultants, yes 3! 3 people who wanted to look at my cervix all at the same time...when I get nervous I get sarcastic and I really really wanted to blurt out "shall we open the doors and windows and let everyone have a look????"  But I restrained myself ;) Anyways onto the bed I hopped and into my cervix we peered. . . and what did we find?????????? NOTHING!!! My cervix had not shrunk since the last time and the doctors were shocked. I do like to see shocked doctors because it means that my Jesus did something THEY couldn't!!! MY JESUS held my cervix in place and kept it the same length. Now don't get me wrong, I am still at 9 (whatever that means, it's still very small) but the doctors said that they had seen women stay pregnant for weeks at 2! So I figure it is God in there holding this baby in place, it was God who helped the progesterone kick itself into gear and it is still God in there now but I reckon He's doing a bit of a victory dance as He's in there. If my consultant hadn't been a very obviously strong sikh believer I would have told Him it was because of my Jesus and because of prayer but I didn't want to offend him so I simply said "well there have been lots of prayers going up lately, they must have worked!"   This was what I needed. It isn't a promise that I won't go into labour early, it isn't a promise that I will get through this week BUT it was a reminder that God is there, He is listening, and no matter what state our lives are in, no matter what I am going through He can give us that YAY JESUS moment that we so desperately need. So today me and my cervix are doing little bits around the house but not alot as this point in my pregnancy my back has decided to give up the ghost and it feels like the baby has her legs wrapped around my spine and is dancing on my pelvis...so we are doing little jobs to make it LOOK tidy :) Just don't open the oven door ;)

morning reading

So I have been waking up consistently at 4am every morning. Not awake enough to get up and do housework but too awake to just lay there. So I have been reaching for my Bible and the other evening when I was doing my devotions I found Psalm 91 really good so every morning that I wake up I reach for my Bible and read this. I am loving it and it is helping me so much. Full of promises that really fit our life right now. I thought I would share it with you.

Psalm 91

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High


will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. [a]



2 I will say [b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust."



3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare

and from the deadly pestilence.



4 He will cover you with his feathers,

and under his wings you will find refuge;

his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.



5 You will not fear the terror of night,

nor the arrow that flies by day,



6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

nor the plague that destroys at midday.



7 A thousand may fall at your side,

ten thousand at your right hand,

but it will not come near you.



8 You will only observe with your eyes

and see the punishment of the wicked.



9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—


even the LORD, who is my refuge-






10 then no harm will befall you,


no disaster will come near your tent.



11 For he will command his angels concerning you

to guard you in all your ways;



12 they will lift you up in their hands,

so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.



13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;

you will trample the great lion and the serpent.



14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;


I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.






15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;


I will be with him in trouble,


I will deliver him and honor him.






16 With long life will I satisfy him


and show him my salvation."

 
I mean how cool is this! He is promising to look after me and to protect me, to hide me under His wings. All because I am trusting in Him! I haven't got any other choice then to trust Him. I either trust in Him or curl up in a ball and cry. So I choose trusting in Him! I hope this passage blesses you as much as it does me. Enjoy your week and be blessed!
This week I would apreciate extra prayer as it is our week 29 the week Maggie was born and it is a week where I will be on tender hooks as I wait for week 30 to get here. Thanks! M xx

friday feeling? no not really

It's Friday today and I don't feel like it's any other day of the week. Before I got signed off work I would rush in and we would all do a Friday wriggle and then get on with the day knowing that tomorow we could rest. Well I have been resting for nearly 2 whole months now and have another 3 to go :( 5 months is a long time. I am starting to feel the isolation. Because I am not allowed to go out and wander about as it puts pressure on my cervix, I am pretty much stuck at home. I can go to the park and library but it involves shoes and getting dressed into more than my pajamas. I need to invest in some pajamas that look like real clothes so I can go outdoors in them lol...although at the moment I have been wandering around in my christmas simpsons ones because they are most comfortable lol big baggy flannel bottoms and tiny top that doesnt go on my bump so it's not pulling tight. Really can't go out like that. I just miss having people to talk to. At work there would be any number of adults staff/parents that I would stop and chat with, I would sit with the kids and read stories and have conversations about Fireman Sam and IgglePiggle.  These when a telemarketer calls on the phone I get so excited and chatty it's them who wants to hang up quick ;) lol it makes me realize though how it must feel to be confined to bed. Mine is temporary and it will eventually be over and so worth it because the baby will have had this time to grow properly. But alot of people have to stay in bed permanently and it is sad. What on earth do they do with themselves? I mean after I make the rounds on the internet ie; netmums, facebook, twitter and blogger I am bored and that takes at the most 2 hours. Leaving me the rest of the day to do little jobs and eat. Mainly eat lol! But yeah I just am feeling a little bit depressed today and a little lonesome. I would love conversation of some kind. . . maybe the people from Npower will call again ;) lol have a good weekend everyone! 28+3 today!

we may have found a name!

I am keeping it a suprise but I think we may have found a name that we both like. I was talking to my mom last night and she mentioned it and I sort of brushed it off at first but then the more I played with it the more I loved it...so I feel better knowing that the baby has a name :) lol no longer spudlee...well to you and everyone else  She is still spudlee but to Steve and Maggie and I she has a name. Funny things names...you don't want them cheesy but you don't want them to formal and you want something that will be nice when she is 50 and not just 5...so yes I may change my mind but for now we have one! Oh and I am going to start reading to her...I know I should be talking to her regularly but for some reason I can't so I thought I would read stories outloud and then sing some songs as well...I am starting with Sometimes I Curl Up In a Ball and then The Giving Tree :) two of my favourites! Today is all about filling out forms for grants and aplications for exemption forms (getting them out of the way with now so it's done and ready to just go in the mail, rather than leaving it til last minute and losing out) and I may make a peach cobbler as I need to use up the peaches in my fridge, they are going a bit woody. I need to make a big cottage pie as well to throw in the freezer, I got the beef out last night just need to chop the veggies up to put in and bake it up. Feeling sleepy now so I am going to go and rest for a bit but have a good day everyone!
xox
Mara
28+1!

28 weeks

Yesterday we had another prem prevention clinic. I have resigned myself to the fact that there is not alot that they can do and have done their best to help me. I am grateful that God has placed them in my life and that He blessed me with their wisdom and foresight. My cervix is still shrinking and the baby is still growing well. These things combined make it appear that things could turn out like last time. I am not someone who likes to have no control in things yet strangely I know that for this moment in time there is nothing to control. God is the one in control, He knows when this baby should come and He knows what is best for my body. I am doing everything I physically can to help things along and am puting my trust in Him. There is that Bible verse that is about faith that can move mountains? I don't need faith to move mountains I need the faith that can hold this baby in place and strenghten my cervix. My dad is someone who I love and adore, he is funny and sweet and also very wise. I spoke to him last night and after telling him about my doctors apointment he said "well Mare, we know one thing.....at some point in the next 3 months you are going to have a baby!"  I know it sounds silly and simple but it's not really....we know that now there is nothing more then I can do apart from keep doing what I am doing. So at some point I am going to give birth. The longer she stays inside of me the better, and I would love nothing more to go full term and be one of those overly large grumpy women outside the hospital walking around in circles....but I would also love nothing more than knowing that if it came down to it my baby was healthy and strong and if it means coming early and letting doctors help her along then so be it. There were reasons Maggie was born early and perhaps my body just couldn't sustain her and God knew that which is why he allowed for her to come early. She is healthy and strong today and hasn't looked back once. It's not that I have resigned myself to defeat because I haven't...I have however given it over to God and I am aware that whatever happens He has His hands over us.  I am calm and I am not going to give in to fear. Fear is crippling, it allows for satan to come in and mess with my head. When I was in labour there was so much fear going through me that I was unrecognizable to most. If you let fear take over it makes you ill and takes away your freedom in Christ. I am a little nervous about the labour, but this is normal more because I remember how painful it was rather than what will happen and what needs to happen.  Our bodies are amazing things and they do what it takes to get the baby out...of this I am not worried. The mind numbing contractions and the bleeding I am a little nervous about but again I will be in hospital and MY GOD IS A HEALER!!!!! In fact I know that God can heal my cervix and strengthen it, I know that if my body can withstand it God will hold this baby in place! He is a good God! So I am 28 weeks today and am praising Jesus that we made it through another day. Life is hard, people are sad, and money is tight, illness is everywhere and yet I sit here and I praise my Jesus because I know that He is in control and He is the reason I have made it this far. I worship Him for every minute more I get to be pregnant and keep trusting him for one more minute. God you are my God and I will ever praise You...I will praise you through my mourning and I will follow You all of my days! I am in awe of your mercy and your Grace! I lift up my face to you and I give you my fears, my tears and my anger...I ask that as I continue on this journey you would take these things and turn them into dancing and joy. You would fill me with even more peace as I continue to trust in you. You know what we are facing financially, physically and emotionally. As an indiviudal, a couple and as a family...Jesus you know what we need and I am trusting in You to fulfill it. I thank you Jesus!

Love Always,
Mara

I Would Die For That

This is for you, for all of you who go through this and are going through this. This is a prayer for Strength, for Peace and for Hope. My heart breaks for you and I cry tears of pain I don't know anything about. I grieve with you. It is a natural and honest desire to fulfill that which keeps being taken away from you. I pray that today at least you would find a small ray of happiness and know that there is a plan somewhere in the midst of all of this. I know it is hard for you and I know that words don't mean alot in this situation but please know that what you are going through is not something to be taken on as "being brave" and that you are allowed to be angry, hurt and devastated. I'm here for you.

X

Mara

27 weeks

It's really strange but I feel like celebrating! I made it another week! To most women they don't even think twice about getting to this point in their pregnancy and they start wishing they were done already. Here I am grasping each day as though it is my last day pregnant and I made it another week! 13 weeks to go! Yay Jesus! I know that I complain about alot of things in pregnancy and I probably do go on about it more than I should but today I am ecstatic and am praising Jesus for everything because each thing that goes on is a "normal" pregnancy thing and that means that things are going ok! If having constipation, insomnia, constant wierd cravings and trips to the loo mean that I can keep this little woman inside for that little bit longer then so be it! I praise you Jesus for I am fearfully and wonderfully made..most days fearfully but today I am wonderfully made as well! I praise you Jesus for you unending "thereness" you are there for me when I am awake and asleep, you are there for me when I am happy or sad, you are there for me when I get tired and feel so alone, and you are there to celebrate with me as the days turn into weeks. I love you Jesus and I am so in awe of your faithfulness...you give me strength Jesus in a way I couldn't find any other way....Amen.

Yesterday I got into a bit of an arguement with someone online and got a little self righteous, but it wasn't because I was trying to be prideful I was trying to stick up for what was right. I think lately the world has become so complacent and so accepting to really wrong comments...this one tipped me over the edge, and he started arguing with me and do you know? I actually stood up for myself properly and may have looked silly at some point but I stuck up for what was right and felt so good doing it! I am going to start speaking my mind in regards to what is right and wrong more often. I know that just because I don't go to church people don't see us as Christians but it is about time I got vocal about my Jesus and about what is right!  :) K I am stepping off my podium now. xx

Insomniac

So this is new...I am now unable to sleep at all tonight. I went to bed at 11 and it is now almost 4am and I am wide awake. I finally made my way downstairs for a glass of milk and to try and wear myself out but so far nothing. I am not too concerned because I am taking Maggie to nursery tomorow and will be able to catch up on rest then but normally I get some sort of sleep in the night. I just was laying there and my mind would not switch off. So I am going to try and write a survival guide I think to get published somehow. When Maggie was born I couldn't find anything that was positive or had alot of HOPE in it and there were days in that ward that I really didn't feel like going in and being a mum to a baby hooked up to wires and needles. I looked for something and the only thing I found was the occasional support from people who ran a small charity and they were amazing, and from the nursing staff and from other mum's and people who surrounded me. But there was not alot too physically see and touch saying "you can get through this" So while I am off I want to try and put together something to give other mum's hope. Especially since having Maggie I have been able to get through alot of this pregnancy as I just look at her and see how well she has done and she gives me hope for this time around. I think one thing that really got to me when we were in hospital with her was that sometimes you get so lost in living from day to day and minute to minute that you lose sight of the home goal...eventually you do leave the hospital one way or another and eventually your life does find some sort of normal. It might not be the normal it was before you had this baby but it goes into a normal phase. You get so caught up in doctors, consultants, notes, nosey nursery nurses who mean well but forget that you don't get to take your baby home with you and all you want to do is hold them close. There are things to this day 2 years on that still make me shudder. When we go in for my clinic apointments they have that hand sanitizer and the smell of it makes me shudder because it was used by so many doctors as they examined my baby, the lights in the hospital they make me cringe as I have so many memories of lying my head back and staring up at them while beepers went off around me on moniters and parents  rushed about to do their "normal" routine. Things that alot of people take for granted like the fleeting touch of a baby's hand against your arm as they nuzzle in or the quiet stillness in the night for those gruesome night feeds...I didn't get those in the begining they were stolen. BUT   we survived and we left the hospital on a gloriously beautiful sunny Autumn day and it was like a new begining. It hasn't been easy and only since Maggie was about 15 months old did I finally start to relax a little bit about her, but we did survive and she does give me hope daily. She brings joy  and she brings me that sense of everything can be ok...I want to be able to share that with people and try and give them a little bit of hope.

melt down

Last night I had a melt down moment. Steve is working full time and Maggie is at nursery full time. I am at home resting full time. We don't see alot of one another and I don't have energy to do alot when we are together. I had casually mentioned to Steve that since I was getting pain in my pelvis when I stand for to long that he might have to help me do some housework tomorow which I hate asking him to do because he does work so much and it's not fair to expect him to do housework on top of work work. Well he had had a really bad day at work and I chose the wrong moment to mention it (you know how in marriage there are the right and wrong times to mention things? Well this wasn't the right moment) So he made some rude remark about how I was home sat no my ass all day and why couldn't I just do some of it. He didn't mean it and later apologized for being such a jerk and went out and got me some pickles to make up for it..but in that single moment all of my frustrtations came pouring out in a single comment and I was reduced to blubbering. I know that I am useless at the moment, I am feeling really useless actually...I feel it's my job as a mother and wife to keep the house tidy and to look after my family. I can't do the simplest of tasks like change the laundry because bending down pulls on my uterus. I am fully aware that the kitchen is in need of a good tidy and I do little bits when I have the energy but no sooner do I get done with one load of dishes there is another one waiting. I just couldn't stop crying and I know it's down to the change in hormones as I am taking the Cyclogest progesterone things and that I had two steroid injections and despite what they say I am sure it affected me some little bit. But I am starting to wonder how I am going to be able to handle more time off. I miss my friends and my family from home. I know that there are people praying for me over here but people don't really come around because they don't want me to get tired. But I would love a visit with people! So I am fine this morning it's a gorgeous day and I made pancakes since I couldn't sleep in lol I woke up wired. I now need to get up and start this day but if anyone is reading this then please just keep me in your prayers as I am not in the strongest place right now and am feeling rather feeble.

I went back to the doctors and they decided that I could go into labour anytime in the next two weeks. They signed me off work and they gave me two steroid injections to help the baby's lungs develop and strengthen her heart. In the same breath they then said "on the other hand you could go full term"  this left me feeling absolutely shocked. They have signed me off work and I am now off for 9 months. :S I really feel a bit like a bird or an animal that is made to sit still and hatch an egg. I am calmer then I thought I would be. It's more a case of well there is nothing I can do apart from rest and trust in God. So I am leaving it up to God and whatever happens happens. It's just that now everytime my stomache twitches or something I sort of get a bit nervous, and then I start to over think things but we are taking things one day at a time. So this is just an update...I am sure there will be more to come as I am home doing nothing :) xx