Insomniac

So this is new...I am now unable to sleep at all tonight. I went to bed at 11 and it is now almost 4am and I am wide awake. I finally made my way downstairs for a glass of milk and to try and wear myself out but so far nothing. I am not too concerned because I am taking Maggie to nursery tomorow and will be able to catch up on rest then but normally I get some sort of sleep in the night. I just was laying there and my mind would not switch off. So I am going to try and write a survival guide I think to get published somehow. When Maggie was born I couldn't find anything that was positive or had alot of HOPE in it and there were days in that ward that I really didn't feel like going in and being a mum to a baby hooked up to wires and needles. I looked for something and the only thing I found was the occasional support from people who ran a small charity and they were amazing, and from the nursing staff and from other mum's and people who surrounded me. But there was not alot too physically see and touch saying "you can get through this" So while I am off I want to try and put together something to give other mum's hope. Especially since having Maggie I have been able to get through alot of this pregnancy as I just look at her and see how well she has done and she gives me hope for this time around. I think one thing that really got to me when we were in hospital with her was that sometimes you get so lost in living from day to day and minute to minute that you lose sight of the home goal...eventually you do leave the hospital one way or another and eventually your life does find some sort of normal. It might not be the normal it was before you had this baby but it goes into a normal phase. You get so caught up in doctors, consultants, notes, nosey nursery nurses who mean well but forget that you don't get to take your baby home with you and all you want to do is hold them close. There are things to this day 2 years on that still make me shudder. When we go in for my clinic apointments they have that hand sanitizer and the smell of it makes me shudder because it was used by so many doctors as they examined my baby, the lights in the hospital they make me cringe as I have so many memories of lying my head back and staring up at them while beepers went off around me on moniters and parents  rushed about to do their "normal" routine. Things that alot of people take for granted like the fleeting touch of a baby's hand against your arm as they nuzzle in or the quiet stillness in the night for those gruesome night feeds...I didn't get those in the begining they were stolen. BUT   we survived and we left the hospital on a gloriously beautiful sunny Autumn day and it was like a new begining. It hasn't been easy and only since Maggie was about 15 months old did I finally start to relax a little bit about her, but we did survive and she does give me hope daily. She brings joy  and she brings me that sense of everything can be ok...I want to be able to share that with people and try and give them a little bit of hope.