Overwhelmed

Today I got this gushing feeling of complete adoration for my daughter. Ok I know I talk about her all the time and I talk about my ongoing issues with being a mother but today was sooo sweet. She was in the kitchen reorganizing my pantry cupboard that has pasta and rice and beans and all sorts of packets and tins and things that make noise when you shake them...all amazingly fun to use when you are nearly 18 months old. I looked across at this baby and she was sitting just how I sit leaning in with a look of such concentration at the cupboard of food and muttering baby noises to herself. I fell in love with her all over again. I do this quite often on a daily basis...I think if you take time to let them explore, to let them be independent they will learn quicker and be more secure in themselves. I am of course there behind her picking up the jar of curry before it lands on the floorr and splatters, I am there to roll the jar of nutmeg back and forth with her and I am there making sure that the jar of syrup stays shut. BUT it is her that sits there for ages just content to explore and I love this about Maggie. She is content to sit and play on her own, she is content to climb in and out of a cupboard and to walk around the kitchen like it is her own personal space. Which in a sense it is. I adore the fact that she turns around and scrunches up her face at me and she looks just like me when I scrunch up my face. Without a doubt in my mind I know that we will be ok and that I love her more then my life istelf. She is my reason!

Mother

I found this quote and would like to dedicate it to every single woman who has ever been, is and will be a mother. It is so true!

Even if i'm setting myself up for failure, I think it's worth trying to be a mother who delights in who her children are, in their knock-knock jokes and earnest questions. A mother who spends less time obseessing about what will happen, or what has happened, and more time reveling in what is. A mother who doesn't fret over failings and slights, who realizes her worries and anxieties are just thoughts, the continuous chattering and judgement of a too busy mind. A mother who doesn't worry so much about being bad or good but just recognizes that she's both, and neither. A mother who does her best, and for whom that is good enough, even if, in the end, her best turns out to be, simply, not bad. "


— Ayelet Waldman (Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace)

Happy Valentines Day

So my amazingly sweet and romantic husband suprised me this year. I have and may possibly always dislike valentines day. Because of his schedule this week we agreed to not make a big fuss over it and I got him some comfy boxers for bedtime (he likes those huge ones) and some chocolates. He came home from work with a big bouqet of roses and some chocolates....so sweet of him! Oh and he managed to get the morning off with me....aww he is so sweet! Love you babe! xx

tesco opens!

So my hottie of a husband has been working his butt off for the last month trying to get his new store up and running and this Monday it is opening! I am so proud of him! He is in charge of an entire section and has people under him. This is such a big responsibility for him and such a great oportunity for him to get up there. He is working nonstop this weekend which is ok I suppose because I hate v.day anyways, so tonight we are having a chinese meal and watching a movie. Tomorow he is working two shifts and only having a small break in the middle. Poor guy also is coming down with a cold! Bless him! He works so hard and we love him so much. Maggie gets so excited when he comes home from work she practically jumps up and down! Clambering over the floor to get to him, pulls herself up his leg and hugs and kisses him. They are so sweet together! I must remember to find my iron today because I need to iron all of his shirts for work. :( I hope I do them right, I'm not the best at all of this domestic stuff. I might actually hire someone to come do my ironing for me??? lol would be so much easier!

Mama

There have been so many times during my life with Maggie that I have doubted myself and beat myself up for things that are stupid and silly. Things I can't control. When the PND gets bad I often wonder if she will hate me when she is older and if she really loves me or if it's because I am there that she comes to me. I know that these are awful thoughts and I am working on them but today was a bit of a breakthrough for me. She cried when I left her at nursery and when she saw me come in she got excited. I had to go pee really bad so I walked past the baby room to the toilets and I heard her exclaim for the first time "MAMA!"   It hit me then so clearly that she does love me in her own way and she isnt going to hate me for what happened to her. She will probably love me more for keeping her safe and healthy when I could. She is becoming my shadow now. At about 4:30 onwards she is my babygirl, she clings to me, she follows me around the house, she sits on my feet while I cook dinner, she plays near me while I do dishes. She clambers up onto my lap and lays there jabbering away and expecting me to reply to her conversation. I know that I have so many issues concerning my pregnancy and her birth and I know it isnt going to be fixed instantly but today was a healing process for me. I was in town shopping and was going to pick her up at 330 and I missed her so much that I went back at like 2:30 instead to get her because I wanted to spend my time with her. There was a moment this evening when I picked her up and she put her head on my chest and it was like she was saying I love you in her own way.   This is my baby and today I became the "mama!" 

Emotional

Life is emotional. Sometimes good emotions and sometimes horrific moments. Sometimes moments of hope and joy others of fear and uncertanty this week has been full of an emotion I can't place. Maggie is walking, she has another new tooth we found tonight, and she is talking back and forth, she plays on her own making up games independently.   I don't know what the emotion is because I am so happy she is ok pleased she is healthy and thriving and yet at the same time I want to sob my heart out as I watch her. I don't know why. Maybe because of all the things that could have should have happened when she was born? And now she is so perfect...I don't know but it has been so emotional. I have found myself bursting into tears all week. Silly really but oh so bittersweet.

Sunday

Sunday's!

BBC radio 1
Sunday newspapers
Vats of coffee and a big bowl of cereal
Husband next to me snoring softly
Baby playing on the floor and learning how to become independent....

later we get dressed and go out for a coffee in town and watch the world go by
we come home and I make a sunday roast and we sit down as a family to enjoy it

it's not perfect, we are by far not the richest family in town BUT we are in a way because none of that matters as long as we have each other!
So take your millions of pounds, your yachts and your mansions, take your hoards of followers and your men in suits and ladies in heels....give me instead a sunday and I will show you perfection! 



This is what I love, this is my life for now and I adore it and them!

what if you asked me...

I have been thinking alot lately about what if you asked me why I am here. I am not sure if I could give you a complete answer. I met and fell in love with a handsome Englishman, I moved over here to be his wife. While here I met and fell in love with my adopted family of nursery nurses and went to work in their nursery that I have come to call home. I then met and fell in love with my daughter.  Throughout the process of my journey here I have met and fell in love with many things, people, and places. BUT Why amy I here? Growing up I was sure that God had a purpose for me a big plan where I would be a missionary in a foriegn country and would save millions of lives.  Well now I am here and yes it is a different country and yes I am a missionary of sorts as I live my life and try to lead by example BUT Why am I here?  I don't know, I am about to start the process of applying for my degree which will tie me here for at least 5-6 years and then from there who knows. I really feel like God is telling me to do this as it is an amazing opportunitiy to be given this chance of education, and I am honoured to be considered for a place. BUT why am I here? Is it to get my education so I can go on and do the saving and the nurturing? Is it possible that my plans as a child were influenced by my surroundings? I am good at what I do so maybe my future really is what I am doing and that is why God has been opening all of these doors for me. I don't know but I am now in a state of Why and Where am I going.....this is my current contemplation.    ALSO I am feeling a little sad. My baby my tiny baby??? she isnt little anymore she is growing so quickly and I feel like I can't catch my breath with her....yesterday she climbed into the big ballpool at nursery on her own and swam to the middle of the balls to get to the slide. My tiny baby who was born weighing 1.29kg....she is now climbing into things that are 3x bigger than her and not looking back at mummy for support at all. I know I should celebrate her growth and I do every day BUT its a bittersweetness that fills me because I know that not long from now she will be starting school and growing into her own person.....who will she be?!

child development

just a quick note: I am doing a course on child development tonight and am feeling a little excited about it. I mean who wouldnt want to sit for 3 hours in a freezing cold room on uncomfortable chairs when they have been working all day only to finish just before 10pm????? :) can you feel my excitement?