So I love technology :P

I'm sitting outside, listening to creation sing and dance, I am watching the water float lazily through the canal and enjoying the feel of a warm breeze on my face...no I am not in the caribean but today has been beautiful, I have really enjoyed my weekend. I have packed a bit and cleaned alot...but mainly Maggie and I have played outside..I forgot her play shoes at nursery but that didnt stop my fearless bug she was out stomping away in the grass and sidewalk...to the point that she fell over and got a big ol' scrape on her knee, I was more upset then she was...she just got right back up and went back to find her ball. We have learned three new words this weekend "ball, GOAL!, and CHEESE but is sounds more like Seeeeeeese"  we have also learned that when the bar is off our buggy we have learned how to climb up into it and stand on the sides like some sort of pirate surfer chick....scarrrryyyy!!!!! But I love technology 3 years ago I wouldn't have considered bringing my computer outside to sit in the sunshine....it would have been far to big lol but here I sit on a wifi laptop enjoying the weather and enjoying my blogging! :) Life is fun. I am feeling so much better today and this weekend, I think it is the weather and knowing we are moving into somewhere nicer, also knowing I will be closer to work and not have to leave so early and get home so late. So I guess that while some people are sitting in church praising Jesus this morning. I am sat outside in HIS creation praising HIM and thanking HIM for his wonderous glorious grace and mercy. I praise you Jesus and I lift you up! I thank you for all that you do and all that you continue to do in my little family. I praise you for the good and I thank you for the things you teach me through the bad. I worship you Lord and I pray that this week as we continue to move and get closer to thursday when we do move in that you would let this be a relaxing time and an enjoyable time that we can celebrate how far we have come...and where you are taking us. Thank you Jesus! AMen!    Right I must go check on Steve's chicken and put my trout in....yummy baked trout with roast potatoes and broccoli with a lemon and butter drizzle :) I love feeling good! xxxxx

Let's try this with a little less hostility this time please ladies?

Ok when I was trying to get pregnant with Maggie I used to find it really hard when pregnant women flaunted their stomaches around and discussed their pregnancies. I used to go home and cry. But then I got pregnant and I realized so very quickly that it is flaunting, it is more just a natural ocurance to discuss things. I am a discusser I talk....if I had a headache I would say to you "wow I've got a bit of a headache I'm going to have some water"  I am sick to death of someone I work with and Jo it's not you...being absolutely hostile towards me while I am pregnant. When I was pregnant with Maggie she was the same. I will come in the room and she will get up and leave or just start talking about something she knows I'm not interested in so I won't be able to comment, and if I mention the baby she will roll her eyes and huff under her breath...it wouldnt be so bad but this woman is newly married and hasnt been trying for a baby for more than a year. She is also a GROWN woman so I really wish the hostility would just stop. I am sorry she is upset by me being pregnant but at the end of the day, it's not my fault her body doesn't work properly, and it's not my fault her other half isn't overly keen on having a baby just yet.  We  aren't particularly close and it is more of a proffessional friendship...I think she assumes that because I don't own a house, car, or go to church that I don't "derserve" to have this happiness. She has said several times "oh well you wouldnt understand you don't go to church"  what the hell??????? I may not go to church but I was brought up in one and that is the reason I DONT GO  TO CHURCH NOW is people with her attitude. This pregnancy is terrifying and not once has she asked how it is going, she will sit and watch me discuss it with Maggie's key person but she won't ask about it...she knows I have no family here and that my closest friends are a million miles away. She knows how scared I am and yet still I am the one who is wrong....I am not a spiteful person but when she gets hostile I so badly want to start talking about my pregnancy  intentionally and pull my tshirt up and flaunt my bump...BUT I am not that mean, I have been discreet about it, I don't talk openly about it unless someone asks or unless I am about to go throw up and I need to make sure there is enough staff to cover me while I am gone. With Maggie I was in the mind set of "oh maybe I have done something wrong by getting pregnant and maybe I shouldnt be talking about it so much" and I walked on eggshells and was really and truely made to feel like an outsider. I don't will illharm to this person in fact I wish her all the happiness that life can bring her because EVERYONE deserves that. Her, You and especially pregnant me :) Why can't we all just be happy for each other?

Scan and other misc happenings

So I went for my scan on weds and they said that everything looked good and healthy so far. That the baby was active and was actually 14 weeks rather than 15 weeks...but that it was big. I am aware of this as I am already feeling it move about in my tummy a bit. Not loads but the odd flutter and bebop. My bump is also quite large already. Funny story the sonagrapher put the doplar thing on my tummy and the first thing I saw was TWO large round shapes I freaked completely out and started panicking...untill he explained one was the head and the other was the stomache :) lol I was convinced it was twins I made him check twice for two heart beats but he found just the one! Thank goodness for that! It is wierd...when I had my scan with Maggie I started crying the moment I saw her on the screen, and this time around I was just like "oh look it's a baby"  and I am really cross with myself because I just can't seem to connect with this baby. I know that it is going to take time so I am just taking it one day at a time. I am also finally a patient at the prem prevention clinic and have my first apt on monday not sure what to expect but am looking forward to something proactive being done at least. I haven't thrown up for a while now and am eating alot more!! I ate my way through tesco yesterday :) So yes...Maggie is doing really well, she loves nursery and is growing so quickly, she eats tons! Momma's girl I suppose ;) this is pretty much all...steve got a really good result on his appraisal and got the highest mark you can get, I am so proud of him! He is working so hard to provide for us and to keep us happy...I love him and am blessed to have him despite our differences he is a fabulous father and a wonderful husband. xx

In this moment...I feel...

pretty damn good! :) I don't like using that word but I am in a good mood, I feel good and I am listening to some funky music. I am 15 weeks pregnant, I still feel like crap most days, I am still terrified and I still havent seen my baby. However it's ok. In Thai or Vietnamese they have a saying Mai pen rai (it could even be a different language but I think it's one of those two) or in laos they say Bopen yan or in africa they say akuna mata  it means "it's all good"  or "it's ok, it will be allright"   I like this phrase! I like thinking that one phrase can sum up an emotion. Life is going to be ok..I was speaking to a very good friend who's life has been hell recently she has gone through loss and continues to struggle, and yet she is graceful and beautiful despite of this. She is one of these people that despite her losses she sat telling me that it would be ok. lol I love her. But I sat there and I said "you know I know we will be ok, in 10 years we will look back and be able to laugh maybe not laugh but we will have survived!"  Not really realizing how much truth there was in that. How much of what we go through on a daily basis and stress and panic about; how much of that will we even remember in 10 years ago? Not alot, we will however remember the smiles, the good times shared with good friends, the words of hope spoken in times of hopelessness.. we won't remember the one's who betrayed us by failing to care when it mattered most, we will have moved on from them...but the friendships who have stuck, that have gone through the fires....we will remember those because we will have just hung up from speaking to them :) I am looking forwards to the future..Looking forward to seeing the day that isn't tinged with worry or pain, that doesnt end with "well maybe tomorow will be a bit better"  I am looking forwad to saying "today I feel pretty damn good!" every day. I don't expect my life to be different and perfect in 10 years....I expect my life to be happier and more settled, I am sure I will have my own drama's then but they won't be today's drama's.  You always get asked in interviews and quizes "Where do you see yourself in so many years?"   Well to be honest I have given up on a plan it is in God's hands...BUT I do see myself happier, and healthier and celebrating things that we have overcome in the last 10 years. So yes life is hard at the moment but it is going to get better and I refuse to sit and wallow....it is easy to sit in the dark and be worried, it is so simple to bite my beautiful nails off and twirl my hair until it is lifeless and dull...BUT it's not proactive....I am going to live this life I am going to get to that point where I can look and say "hey, I did it!"  So I am feeling good.....enjoy your week blogworld! :) xx Mara

Home again...

I am home again today I made it to work feeling rough and chalked it up to morning sickness and then the world started spinning a wee bit too quickly and I realized I needed to be in bed. As my midwife is non interested in my pregnancy and I have yet to be contacted by the clinic I am feeling a bit lost and left alone BUT  I know well enough to sit down and rest when my body is telling me to. Steve had a bit of an arguement with me last night and then I of course opened my mouth and put my feet in the middle of it and riled him up. My only point was that I was feeling a little off and needed to rest. Maggie had been up in the night and the last time she woke I simply couldn't get up again. Anyways today he suprised me by bringing me a bouqet of flowers, a sandwhich, and a soda to say sorry. He was so sweet! Anyways I just feel a bit like I don't know what is going to happen. I don't mind laying still, I don't mind resting....BUT I need to be reassured that everything will be ok, it doesnt have to be perfect but I want it to be ok......is that too much to ask? I am being leached of everything...strength, emotion, mental stamina. I have a mantra that I have been repeating for the last 14 weeks along the lines of "please God let it work, please let it stay inside long enough this time"  over and over in my head before bed, when I get up, throughout the day....I just get so scared.

Always one in the room.

You know when you go out somewhere or to a party, you know to dress a certain way...a way that is expected, you behave in a certain manner to which is pleasing to most of the people in the room. Not to be a people pleaser but to be a social person. I have noticed in my growing up that there is always someone who doesn't do this someone who wears the tube top with the sequins with their boobs hanging out and tattoo's on their shoulders, someone who shouts and is brash about subjects that should be kept within private circles of conversation perhaps not even at this particular outing. This person will stand somewhere and just BE  they will be loud, crass, inapropriate, they will burp, scratch themselves, make a nuisance, they will embarrass the host and eventually someone feels the need to go up to that person and say "look Love, really would you like my cardigan to cover up those?"  OR "Do you mind just taking your opinions outside?"   I have come to the conclusion that life is one big social situation and that there will always be THAT person somewhere in your life who is showing too much boob, shouting too loudly, or just basicly asking for attention. . . and it's not always for me to give the attention. Lately I have been made aware of just one of these person's and I am struggling to know what to do. It is so hard and so delicate that it would be easier to find a land mine in the dessert...really. I am getting to the point though that I can't stand much more of the need for attention and the grasping at something that they just can't seem to get at. I do wish someone would just say "look love can you take you opinions outside?"  hm...

We signed our contracts today!

So we are officially moving in on the first of June! :) Can't wait...I am now on the hunt for a fire guard have found two second hand so just waiting to hear back from the ladies who own them. Really looking forward to planting a garden, decorating my home and laying some roots.  Thank you Jesus for providing what we needed when we needed it! I praise you Lord!

I don't understand

Let me set the scene: a small helpless baby born out of lust and left unwanted to fend for itself in the hospital. A woman barren woman comes along and gives this child everything in the world. Gives it a chance to live and to live beautifully. The child grows and to the womans sheer disbelief spurns everything good that is given to her, takes it and turns it into something wrong. The woman/mother takes it in her stride inside it kills her but as this childs mother *not by blood but every other means possible*  she continues to give her all of her love. When the child becomes an adult age her biological mother finds her and convinces her to come run away and live a life full of sin and deception....the child only wanting to know her "mother" goes with her. To my dismay the adopted mother continues to love and support the child, she prays and supports her. The child begins to self destruct and in the process destroys anything good in her path. The child is now a grown woman somehow stuck in this almost childhood state. Where she is the only person who exists and her drama is all that is important. This child to her adopted families dismay feels the need to glorify and praise her biological mothers life over the family who raised her and gave up so much for her. She is more concerned about her biological mother then the woman who loved her first.  How is this possible? How on earth does it work? How do you say to the woman you loved first who wiped your first tear, who caught you when you tumbled the first time, who saw your first steps and was there for your own childrens birth....how do you turn around and say I love the woman who gave up on me from before she knew me more. HOW