searching.........

Gr..I am by habit a creature of habit. For decades my parents kept the mugs on a hanger on the wall in the kitchen and I would always reach for the same mug on the same peg every time. Then one day they decided to move said hanger and put the cups inside the cupboard. TO THIS DAY I still reach for the same cup on the same peg on the same hanger :) it's been almost 15 years. OR like in our old house all the switches were on the far side of the room and our new house (well not new now) they are as they should be as you walk in the room..but I always forget this as I walk halfway through the room and then remember and have to backtrack. Call me simple, stupid or whatever you like but really I am habitual...and in my habits I find comfort.
Lately I have come to a point in my life where I am in need of some HUGE changes. I am not going to go into massive detail because well this is an open blog and I am not in the mood for criticism or being preached at for having my own simple opinions however I will leave it with HUGE changes need to take place. I am coming to a place where I am admitting perhaps I am not the perfect do it all woman who can take on the world and leave standing. NO I am a mere weakling and seriously struggle to pack it all in. Like right now there is paperwork I should be doing and I just can't stomach it, seriously the thought of it makes me clench my butt cheeks and cringe. (was that tmi?) but in all seriousness it's just gotten to the point in my life where I can't go on just going on in habit something has to give. Do I bite my tongue and continue to plod or do I step out in faith and do what I feel I should be doing. Lately something I have wanted to do since I was little has been confirmed twice within the last month and it's like it's just dangling in front of me. In order to do this I would have to readjust everything in my life. Should I do it, is it worth it, will it work, what about financially, when how where...etc all of these questions racing about my head. Oh and then there is this whole health issue going on....there are people with babies, pregnant women and all sorts there are casual comments about how we need another baby to make 3 and wouldn't it just be so nice?! NO!!! No it wouldn't I wake up in cold sweats of panic having flash backs still to this day about being pregnant and waking up covered in blood and being rushed to the hospital. THIS HAPPENED 3 years ago! Um what else oh yes relationships in every direction are changing and it's like what do I do for the best? It's times like this when I wish God was an actual physical form so that I could sit next to him and work these things out with Him. I pray so much and I listen and I worship and I try and obey and I fail and I fall and I run into a brick wall and it hurts oh my word does it hurt. I am not a good failure type personl. You know there are some people who do failure quite well? It's like their lives are constantly in failure mode and they wear it comfortably they get happy and get on with their lives in the rubble. I can't get comfortable in my rubble, I can't find my niche in the grubby grimness that seems to be an ongoing trend lately. I guess some would say that this is a good thing that I am not comfortable as a failure but if I can't find my niche there and I don't feel like I belong in the winners circle then I suppose it's the avereage side I should go but that has never been comfortable for me. I have never been a normal average type person. I have always been odd, unique, or the best one "quirky" any relationship I have ever had at some point the other half would utter in disbelief...."are you aware of half the things that you say and do?!"    and then usually said relationship would end (apart from steve as he loves those points in me) BUT yeah I just need some sort of help some giant leap of faith someone to hold out their hand and pull me over to the other side. Wherever that may be.