Rainbow cupcakes :)

 Chef Maggie May

my rainbow cupcakes

Making the rasberry frosting

 Icing the cakes

Quality control ;)

 Our toppings!

 More quality control :D

Washing up afterwards! :) Such a good girl she was so attentive and did such a great job. My baby isn't a baby anymore!!! :( Love you Maggamay! xxxx

really quite cross

Ok so let's be honest I have been a mother for 3 years, I have to kids and I have breast fed one of them for 11 months. I am also a wife and an individual person. I work part time and enjoy my job, I love the freedom it gives me to be my individual self. I am also not embarrassed to say that I often daydream about the day my children are old enough for me to leave them with a relative and go on holiday with my husband alone for a weekend or even dare I say a week.  NOW tell me....does any of this make me a bad mother? Interesting question isn't it...because most of you would say no not at all it's natural to be and do those things...some of you would say oh yes definately you should be at home a slave to your family you ungreatful bitch....but you want to know the right answer????? The right answer is C......I am a good mom because I do what works for my family. It might not work for someone else's family but it works for US.  I was absolutely shocked to see someone posting on fb about how she had read a book about keeping children out of nursery before the age of 3 and I know from conversations with said person that they agree, as do several other people. Do you know what??? For a split second it made me question myself, my beliefs in myself and my ideas on parenting and then I stopped and remembered quite simply...you do what you can for your own personal situation. Something that I learned so very quickly early on when I first had Maggie and she was in hospital is that you don't know someones personal reasons for doing things, you don't always get the full story. You might see a woman with a bottle and condem her without knowing that her milk never came in...or you might see a woman falling apart on the bus shouting at her child you don't know what has caused her to snap and what is going wrong in her life for her to feel it's ok to do that to that child. I have learned so quickly NOT to judge other mothers. Fair enough there are boundaries and there are rules that you abide by as a parent; obvious ones and the child has rights that are obvious as well. BUT beyond those basics how you choose to raise your child is totally and utterly up to you and how dare they hav the audacity to come along and tell you otherwise or make you feel inferior. Just because one family has enough money to have the mother stay at home and raise the children doesn't mean that that works for another family. Steve and I both work so that Maggie and Aimee want for nothing...we aren't rich and to be honest we are barely above the poverty line but we are happy and my girls don't want for anything because I work my buns off to provide for them. I really and truly get cross when upity pretensious people try and have an opinion when they have loads and loads of knowledge but no life experience, and haven't bleed sweated and cried to get where they are either financially or non. Buggers me to no end to see women who have no clue how hard it is to get pregnant, breast feed a baby, hold down a job, raise a family etc etc because it all just falls into place for them.

Ok and then moving on quite swiftly....
A conversation I had the other day me- "what is dawanahahsco...... you know that thing you were celebrating on your fb status last night?"  other person-"Yeah I've been up all night celebrating (insert unheard of diety celebratory thing) and we had to chant all night" me- "oh right, you must be shattered, what did he/she do" op-  "oh I don't know but I did it because it's what I am supposed to do"   


This first of all had me suprised and nearly judgemental  because I wanted to say..."ohh well when I pray I know who I am praying to"  but then I stopped and thought about it and it dawned on me that so often in my walk with God I sit and I close my eyes, I say the right words and I then open my eyes and move on with my day. I go about my day and I assume that I am putting the right motions intot he notions. BUT AM I? What if I am just going through it because that is what I have been taught. Don't get me wrong I totally and completely love Jesus with all of my heart and am a born again saved Christian filled with the Holy Spirit and when I die I will go to Heaven. BUT How often do I just do what I am supposed to do with my christianity because that is what is supposed to be done NOT because that is what I believe? I mean imagine if everyone actually did what they believed to be true every day. We would be raising the dead, healing the sick, bringing actual hope to the hopeless...not just putting one foot in front of the other and saying and doing what is right just because we should.  I hope my friend who I had that conversation with doesn't get offended if she reads this but I do have her to thank for waking me up and realising I need to actually get real with my walk with God and not just do it because that's what you are supposed to do.

feeling inspirational??

Which is my speak for "rambly" :) ok so I am going to be honest because that is what Blogging is about. I don't ask you to read this I don't expect you to like it. Blogging for me is a theraputical way of airing my opinions and getting things off my chest in a safe non judgemental space. But today I was just so tired I was exhausted it's been a hell of a long week and to be very honest I just wasn't in the mood couldn't be asked. We went to a fabulous bbq last night for the church's camp finale and watched the fireworks, came home had a glass of wine and went to bed. I woke up full of grump and ump...didn't want to go to church. I am not a good cryer I hate tears and emotion...I know that's hard to believe as I am so brutally honest in here but for those of you who have met me you know that I am often refered to as the Ice Maiden as I just don't buckle, break or show emotion. This last week has been emotional. I feel like at times I am having to justify my grief to people which makes me angry, I feel like because I actually know a little bit more about  certain things that others are angry or jealous of that? I mean hello grow the heck up! It's not about who knows what and how much one knows it's about supporting and loving on the individual in need. Anyways where was I going oh yes inspiring. SO we did get to church...all four of us :) it took so getting there but once I got in the groove even though emotionally I was shattered it was nice to be in the house of God if you know what I mean? I love that when I walk into church I can almost taste Jesus...I will be the very first to point out that I am a pretty sucky Christian, I fail miserably so often that I wonder if grace covers me this much...and I get so frustrated with my inadequecies(sp?) and shortcommings that I just can't cope some days. I guess that is why God is God and I am not right? :) But anyways yeah so we get there and I am just sort of not in the mood for people. I want Jesus and nothing more, I knew that the family who lost Matt would be there as it is their church and they run it and I was so worried about saying the right thing and doing the right thing but it didn't matter because Jesus showed up and grace came down and I was at peace. Oddly this happenend somewhere in between worship and going upstairs to creche. I personally have an issue with creche... and try to get out of going as often as possible simply because I work with children all week so why on earth should i be expected to be there on a sunday? I'm not called to be there so why should I do it. Just because I work with children for a living doesn't mean I want to do it on Sunday. ANYWAY I went up with the girls because Maggie was in big girl pants and I was a bit nervous her being left to have a stranger take her. When I got up there I actually relaxed and had a little bit of fun...not enough to want to do it and then at the end t he woman who runs it actually acknowledged that I needed to be down in service and is tweaking it so I can leave the girls and not worry about them upstairs. PHEW but oh goodness so I came home feeling better but still so tired. Then I visited with Jane and Lucy for a while whilst the man folk took down the marquee at the camp and took it over the the church. It was so hard not to be impolite and ask if they would mind if I went upstairs and took a nap :) lol can you imagine? "Excuse me for an hour while I just go take a nap"! lol anyways so then steve came home I fixed tea (slow cooked beef with tika sauce served over steamed basmati rice and baby potatoes!) and then we put the girls in the bath and got them ready for bed. Maggie has discovered how to open her door in her room and so after I had gotten Aims to bed peacefully Magggie chose that moment to open her door and start screaming nonsense at the top of her lungs. I was livid but as I had done everything for the girls for the last 2 nights DADDY got to sort them out. It was then while I had my first 15 minutes of childfree time that I began to feel inspirational. :) leading me to here and after writing all of this I suppose I will leave you with a simple quote that I found online and fell in love with!

love, loss, life, laughter and losing the plot :)

These are just a few things I have been experiencing lately. I will start with the first one : warning it is a bit gushy and possibly tmi :) lol ok so here we go!
Love!
I am married and because I am married I am allowed to do certain things with my husband nay expected to do certain things with my husband right? Not going into detail but we know what I mean. But after I had Aimee I struggled with the whole birth control concept we talked about sterilization and discussed me or him having it done and I just wasn't at peace with it. I am forever forgetting to take my multivitamins so I knew that being responsible for THE PILL would be laughable until I got pg again..so we then talked to the fabulous Dr. Hall...I secretly have a grown up like for this man lol he is old enough to be my grandad and yet is so personable and kind and aproachable not to mention I went into labour in his drs office lol! BUT anyways we sat down and had a discussion about the coil and decided together that it would be worth having done. I had it done and oh my life it hurt. I have a huge pain tollerance and giving birth naturally was not easy but it wasn't the most painful thing either I could to it again I'm sure. So I had it done and the cramping was like nothing I've ever felt in my life and then they left it too long so it was like walking around with a fishing line hanging out? Eventually they fixed it and I just have to say I love being married :) I love the intimacy that comes from being with my husband. The closeness we have and the unity that comes from sharing those moments with him. I am blessed to be his wife.
The next one is hard for me because it is something I haven't dealt with more then 2 times in my life on a personal level and it has shaken me to the core. One of the reasons that Steve and I have gone back to church was because there was a man who brought his children to nursery and he was such a kind gentle man he was the sort of man that you said hi and he would ask and genuinely mean "HOW ARE YOU"  he would take time to talk to you. He had a beautiful wife and two gorgeous little boys. This man was taken away from us last week in a horrific and unfair way...he didn't deserve it, wasn't expecting it and in all other ways just it was not fair. I was left reeling because I had gotten close to this family..I was their babysitter on odd occasions and always looked forward to sundays when I would get to visit with them. He was a gentle and quiet man always smiling always positive and always looking for the good in people. He encouraged us to go back to church and to thrive and bloom where we were planted. Matt I am going to miss you so much..you were a legend and you led so many people to Jesus. Your legacy will stay on forever. May you find the reason for your joy and be filled with it daily up there. I have no doubt in my mind that Matt is in Heaven, I know he is happy and healthy and well and dancing with Jesus.
Life:
I am loving my role in the Big Room, I am finding my niche and aclimatizing myself to it. The girls I work with are quirky and unique. We all work differently and are finding our strengths and weakness's. I have just been given my new key group and am so excited about my children...have already started praying for them. Family life is going well my girls are growing up so quickly...Aimee has two teeth and is working on her top two, Maggie moves up to the big room on monday and Steve is just plodding along. He's started running which makes me so proud of him he is such a hottie! And me well I am just living and trying to stay afloat. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am not going home this year and trying to stay positive...failing miserably but it's really hard to see the positive side of it.
Laughter:
Laughter is what keeps me going. Tonight in the bath the girls got the giggles and Maggie got Aimee to laugh continuously for minutes straight it was beautiful. The most amazing sound in the world is my girls laughing!
Losing the plot:
what on earth is wrong with the world...don't have the stamina to go into it but I am praying for all of those riots.....Jesus be the Centre....oh and Leanne I am praying sweetie for you, for your attitude that one day you find Jesus and that you see that you don't have to be a rude evil nasty piece of work and that you can enjoy the love of Jesus and his JOYfulness. I forgive you for the text even if it was inapropriately rude.   Not that you read this blog but had to get it out there :) Goodnight world...goodnight moon, good night goodnight Godbless