searching.........

Gr..I am by habit a creature of habit. For decades my parents kept the mugs on a hanger on the wall in the kitchen and I would always reach for the same mug on the same peg every time. Then one day they decided to move said hanger and put the cups inside the cupboard. TO THIS DAY I still reach for the same cup on the same peg on the same hanger :) it's been almost 15 years. OR like in our old house all the switches were on the far side of the room and our new house (well not new now) they are as they should be as you walk in the room..but I always forget this as I walk halfway through the room and then remember and have to backtrack. Call me simple, stupid or whatever you like but really I am habitual...and in my habits I find comfort.
Lately I have come to a point in my life where I am in need of some HUGE changes. I am not going to go into massive detail because well this is an open blog and I am not in the mood for criticism or being preached at for having my own simple opinions however I will leave it with HUGE changes need to take place. I am coming to a place where I am admitting perhaps I am not the perfect do it all woman who can take on the world and leave standing. NO I am a mere weakling and seriously struggle to pack it all in. Like right now there is paperwork I should be doing and I just can't stomach it, seriously the thought of it makes me clench my butt cheeks and cringe. (was that tmi?) but in all seriousness it's just gotten to the point in my life where I can't go on just going on in habit something has to give. Do I bite my tongue and continue to plod or do I step out in faith and do what I feel I should be doing. Lately something I have wanted to do since I was little has been confirmed twice within the last month and it's like it's just dangling in front of me. In order to do this I would have to readjust everything in my life. Should I do it, is it worth it, will it work, what about financially, when how where...etc all of these questions racing about my head. Oh and then there is this whole health issue going on....there are people with babies, pregnant women and all sorts there are casual comments about how we need another baby to make 3 and wouldn't it just be so nice?! NO!!! No it wouldn't I wake up in cold sweats of panic having flash backs still to this day about being pregnant and waking up covered in blood and being rushed to the hospital. THIS HAPPENED 3 years ago! Um what else oh yes relationships in every direction are changing and it's like what do I do for the best? It's times like this when I wish God was an actual physical form so that I could sit next to him and work these things out with Him. I pray so much and I listen and I worship and I try and obey and I fail and I fall and I run into a brick wall and it hurts oh my word does it hurt. I am not a good failure type personl. You know there are some people who do failure quite well? It's like their lives are constantly in failure mode and they wear it comfortably they get happy and get on with their lives in the rubble. I can't get comfortable in my rubble, I can't find my niche in the grubby grimness that seems to be an ongoing trend lately. I guess some would say that this is a good thing that I am not comfortable as a failure but if I can't find my niche there and I don't feel like I belong in the winners circle then I suppose it's the avereage side I should go but that has never been comfortable for me. I have never been a normal average type person. I have always been odd, unique, or the best one "quirky" any relationship I have ever had at some point the other half would utter in disbelief...."are you aware of half the things that you say and do?!"    and then usually said relationship would end (apart from steve as he loves those points in me) BUT yeah I just need some sort of help some giant leap of faith someone to hold out their hand and pull me over to the other side. Wherever that may be.

JUMP!!!

I found this online and fell in love with it! I adore this time of year. It is the cool crisp mornings that lead to a warmish but still crisp afternoon with the bluest skies and the gorgeous golds, reds, browns and russets of the leaves as they cover the ground. The crunch as I walk through them and the wind rustling through the trees urging me to run through them like a child and the best part of having children of my own? Making leaf piles and jumping in! I always get nesty as well...I feel the need to bake and stock up on things like soups and beans and tinned tomatos and curry sauce. Things that warm me up! I get cravings for pumpkin and I mean cravings!! Not even like the "pumpkin spice" versions I want pumpkin be it fresh, frozen, sweet or savoury I love me some big orange ball! Mine sadly got eaten by a slug I hope he is pleased with himself but neve mind he obviously had a vitamin c deficiancy >:D I can't wait untill the stores start selling them (pumpkins not slugs teehee!) I plan on buying 3 or 4 and then a few for decorating with as well. I get giddy and excited in this season. Most people prefer summer...I prefer Autumn/Winter. This year I have two pumpkins to celebrate it with me....I plan on encouraging my girls to really go for it with the whole pumpkin and autumn exploration.

Rainbow cupcakes :)

 Chef Maggie May

my rainbow cupcakes

Making the rasberry frosting

 Icing the cakes

Quality control ;)

 Our toppings!

 More quality control :D

Washing up afterwards! :) Such a good girl she was so attentive and did such a great job. My baby isn't a baby anymore!!! :( Love you Maggamay! xxxx

really quite cross

Ok so let's be honest I have been a mother for 3 years, I have to kids and I have breast fed one of them for 11 months. I am also a wife and an individual person. I work part time and enjoy my job, I love the freedom it gives me to be my individual self. I am also not embarrassed to say that I often daydream about the day my children are old enough for me to leave them with a relative and go on holiday with my husband alone for a weekend or even dare I say a week.  NOW tell me....does any of this make me a bad mother? Interesting question isn't it...because most of you would say no not at all it's natural to be and do those things...some of you would say oh yes definately you should be at home a slave to your family you ungreatful bitch....but you want to know the right answer????? The right answer is C......I am a good mom because I do what works for my family. It might not work for someone else's family but it works for US.  I was absolutely shocked to see someone posting on fb about how she had read a book about keeping children out of nursery before the age of 3 and I know from conversations with said person that they agree, as do several other people. Do you know what??? For a split second it made me question myself, my beliefs in myself and my ideas on parenting and then I stopped and remembered quite simply...you do what you can for your own personal situation. Something that I learned so very quickly early on when I first had Maggie and she was in hospital is that you don't know someones personal reasons for doing things, you don't always get the full story. You might see a woman with a bottle and condem her without knowing that her milk never came in...or you might see a woman falling apart on the bus shouting at her child you don't know what has caused her to snap and what is going wrong in her life for her to feel it's ok to do that to that child. I have learned so quickly NOT to judge other mothers. Fair enough there are boundaries and there are rules that you abide by as a parent; obvious ones and the child has rights that are obvious as well. BUT beyond those basics how you choose to raise your child is totally and utterly up to you and how dare they hav the audacity to come along and tell you otherwise or make you feel inferior. Just because one family has enough money to have the mother stay at home and raise the children doesn't mean that that works for another family. Steve and I both work so that Maggie and Aimee want for nothing...we aren't rich and to be honest we are barely above the poverty line but we are happy and my girls don't want for anything because I work my buns off to provide for them. I really and truly get cross when upity pretensious people try and have an opinion when they have loads and loads of knowledge but no life experience, and haven't bleed sweated and cried to get where they are either financially or non. Buggers me to no end to see women who have no clue how hard it is to get pregnant, breast feed a baby, hold down a job, raise a family etc etc because it all just falls into place for them.

Ok and then moving on quite swiftly....
A conversation I had the other day me- "what is dawanahahsco...... you know that thing you were celebrating on your fb status last night?"  other person-"Yeah I've been up all night celebrating (insert unheard of diety celebratory thing) and we had to chant all night" me- "oh right, you must be shattered, what did he/she do" op-  "oh I don't know but I did it because it's what I am supposed to do"   


This first of all had me suprised and nearly judgemental  because I wanted to say..."ohh well when I pray I know who I am praying to"  but then I stopped and thought about it and it dawned on me that so often in my walk with God I sit and I close my eyes, I say the right words and I then open my eyes and move on with my day. I go about my day and I assume that I am putting the right motions intot he notions. BUT AM I? What if I am just going through it because that is what I have been taught. Don't get me wrong I totally and completely love Jesus with all of my heart and am a born again saved Christian filled with the Holy Spirit and when I die I will go to Heaven. BUT How often do I just do what I am supposed to do with my christianity because that is what is supposed to be done NOT because that is what I believe? I mean imagine if everyone actually did what they believed to be true every day. We would be raising the dead, healing the sick, bringing actual hope to the hopeless...not just putting one foot in front of the other and saying and doing what is right just because we should.  I hope my friend who I had that conversation with doesn't get offended if she reads this but I do have her to thank for waking me up and realising I need to actually get real with my walk with God and not just do it because that's what you are supposed to do.

feeling inspirational??

Which is my speak for "rambly" :) ok so I am going to be honest because that is what Blogging is about. I don't ask you to read this I don't expect you to like it. Blogging for me is a theraputical way of airing my opinions and getting things off my chest in a safe non judgemental space. But today I was just so tired I was exhausted it's been a hell of a long week and to be very honest I just wasn't in the mood couldn't be asked. We went to a fabulous bbq last night for the church's camp finale and watched the fireworks, came home had a glass of wine and went to bed. I woke up full of grump and ump...didn't want to go to church. I am not a good cryer I hate tears and emotion...I know that's hard to believe as I am so brutally honest in here but for those of you who have met me you know that I am often refered to as the Ice Maiden as I just don't buckle, break or show emotion. This last week has been emotional. I feel like at times I am having to justify my grief to people which makes me angry, I feel like because I actually know a little bit more about  certain things that others are angry or jealous of that? I mean hello grow the heck up! It's not about who knows what and how much one knows it's about supporting and loving on the individual in need. Anyways where was I going oh yes inspiring. SO we did get to church...all four of us :) it took so getting there but once I got in the groove even though emotionally I was shattered it was nice to be in the house of God if you know what I mean? I love that when I walk into church I can almost taste Jesus...I will be the very first to point out that I am a pretty sucky Christian, I fail miserably so often that I wonder if grace covers me this much...and I get so frustrated with my inadequecies(sp?) and shortcommings that I just can't cope some days. I guess that is why God is God and I am not right? :) But anyways yeah so we get there and I am just sort of not in the mood for people. I want Jesus and nothing more, I knew that the family who lost Matt would be there as it is their church and they run it and I was so worried about saying the right thing and doing the right thing but it didn't matter because Jesus showed up and grace came down and I was at peace. Oddly this happenend somewhere in between worship and going upstairs to creche. I personally have an issue with creche... and try to get out of going as often as possible simply because I work with children all week so why on earth should i be expected to be there on a sunday? I'm not called to be there so why should I do it. Just because I work with children for a living doesn't mean I want to do it on Sunday. ANYWAY I went up with the girls because Maggie was in big girl pants and I was a bit nervous her being left to have a stranger take her. When I got up there I actually relaxed and had a little bit of fun...not enough to want to do it and then at the end t he woman who runs it actually acknowledged that I needed to be down in service and is tweaking it so I can leave the girls and not worry about them upstairs. PHEW but oh goodness so I came home feeling better but still so tired. Then I visited with Jane and Lucy for a while whilst the man folk took down the marquee at the camp and took it over the the church. It was so hard not to be impolite and ask if they would mind if I went upstairs and took a nap :) lol can you imagine? "Excuse me for an hour while I just go take a nap"! lol anyways so then steve came home I fixed tea (slow cooked beef with tika sauce served over steamed basmati rice and baby potatoes!) and then we put the girls in the bath and got them ready for bed. Maggie has discovered how to open her door in her room and so after I had gotten Aims to bed peacefully Magggie chose that moment to open her door and start screaming nonsense at the top of her lungs. I was livid but as I had done everything for the girls for the last 2 nights DADDY got to sort them out. It was then while I had my first 15 minutes of childfree time that I began to feel inspirational. :) leading me to here and after writing all of this I suppose I will leave you with a simple quote that I found online and fell in love with!

love, loss, life, laughter and losing the plot :)

These are just a few things I have been experiencing lately. I will start with the first one : warning it is a bit gushy and possibly tmi :) lol ok so here we go!
Love!
I am married and because I am married I am allowed to do certain things with my husband nay expected to do certain things with my husband right? Not going into detail but we know what I mean. But after I had Aimee I struggled with the whole birth control concept we talked about sterilization and discussed me or him having it done and I just wasn't at peace with it. I am forever forgetting to take my multivitamins so I knew that being responsible for THE PILL would be laughable until I got pg again..so we then talked to the fabulous Dr. Hall...I secretly have a grown up like for this man lol he is old enough to be my grandad and yet is so personable and kind and aproachable not to mention I went into labour in his drs office lol! BUT anyways we sat down and had a discussion about the coil and decided together that it would be worth having done. I had it done and oh my life it hurt. I have a huge pain tollerance and giving birth naturally was not easy but it wasn't the most painful thing either I could to it again I'm sure. So I had it done and the cramping was like nothing I've ever felt in my life and then they left it too long so it was like walking around with a fishing line hanging out? Eventually they fixed it and I just have to say I love being married :) I love the intimacy that comes from being with my husband. The closeness we have and the unity that comes from sharing those moments with him. I am blessed to be his wife.
The next one is hard for me because it is something I haven't dealt with more then 2 times in my life on a personal level and it has shaken me to the core. One of the reasons that Steve and I have gone back to church was because there was a man who brought his children to nursery and he was such a kind gentle man he was the sort of man that you said hi and he would ask and genuinely mean "HOW ARE YOU"  he would take time to talk to you. He had a beautiful wife and two gorgeous little boys. This man was taken away from us last week in a horrific and unfair way...he didn't deserve it, wasn't expecting it and in all other ways just it was not fair. I was left reeling because I had gotten close to this family..I was their babysitter on odd occasions and always looked forward to sundays when I would get to visit with them. He was a gentle and quiet man always smiling always positive and always looking for the good in people. He encouraged us to go back to church and to thrive and bloom where we were planted. Matt I am going to miss you so much..you were a legend and you led so many people to Jesus. Your legacy will stay on forever. May you find the reason for your joy and be filled with it daily up there. I have no doubt in my mind that Matt is in Heaven, I know he is happy and healthy and well and dancing with Jesus.
Life:
I am loving my role in the Big Room, I am finding my niche and aclimatizing myself to it. The girls I work with are quirky and unique. We all work differently and are finding our strengths and weakness's. I have just been given my new key group and am so excited about my children...have already started praying for them. Family life is going well my girls are growing up so quickly...Aimee has two teeth and is working on her top two, Maggie moves up to the big room on monday and Steve is just plodding along. He's started running which makes me so proud of him he is such a hottie! And me well I am just living and trying to stay afloat. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am not going home this year and trying to stay positive...failing miserably but it's really hard to see the positive side of it.
Laughter:
Laughter is what keeps me going. Tonight in the bath the girls got the giggles and Maggie got Aimee to laugh continuously for minutes straight it was beautiful. The most amazing sound in the world is my girls laughing!
Losing the plot:
what on earth is wrong with the world...don't have the stamina to go into it but I am praying for all of those riots.....Jesus be the Centre....oh and Leanne I am praying sweetie for you, for your attitude that one day you find Jesus and that you see that you don't have to be a rude evil nasty piece of work and that you can enjoy the love of Jesus and his JOYfulness. I forgive you for the text even if it was inapropriately rude.   Not that you read this blog but had to get it out there :) Goodnight world...goodnight moon, good night goodnight Godbless

unanswered stress!

I am not sure where to go with this...I am so frustrated at the moment! I am working part time and trying to be a full time mommy and wife. That is the obvious..I am trying daily to be a good person to better myself spirtually and to further my walk with God. I am so exhausted and so ready for a break! Having said that we got our nursery invoice today and it basicly reiterated the fact that I am working to put my children into nursery and that depressed me. HOWEVER while working I make just enough to pay the other bills in my life so it is just a never ending cycle. Work to live but there is no extra to enjoy my family in our downtime. We aren't going to the states because it's so expensive and we aren't going anywhere else because we are being responsible and paying bills instead. It's crappy. I am tithing I am being a good responsible adult and yet I still can't win. OK I GET IT I AM BLESSED ok? I get it I have a roof over my head, a job, food in my cupboard and so much to be thankful for I have a family I love and friends all over the world who love me. BUT I want a break a holiday a rest a respite. I want to feel the sand between my toes and taste the salty air. I want to feel my hair whipping in the wind. I am frustrated...grr it's like the harder I try (with God's help before anyone says "mara you are trying to do it on your own that's your problem!") and still just don't get to enjoy things. :( Boo!!!

LOW

laying down, flat out, giving it all up, can't do it on my own, can't find the energy to try, can pretend to be happy, can pretend it's all good and ok but at the end of the day the only one I am fooling is me. SO Here I am the human form of me...I am a failure, a weakling, I am moody and not a great wife or mother or parent...I have a very low opinion of myself and if I get very honest about it....I suck basicly. I am tired..so tired..beyond exhaustion what comes when you reach that point of the end? Where do you go if you step off the ledge? What happens when it all gets too much and you can't take it any more? Will they ever understand and further more does it matter if they do since most of they are the reason for this crap? Every part of this body aches and cries out for peace. I passed a sign today that said "in Him you will find your peace" I know this is true but so far I am not finding any peace...I can only fight for so long. I am getting to the done point. 

oh ok goodness whew blech yuck eck ick hmm arggh

not sure where I am going with this but I just need to say for the record to anyone who has ever gone back to work and had a nervous breakdown or watched your heart break into pieces my heart goes out to you...I have gone back to work and whilst I love my new job and am excited about all the challenges I miss my babies so much. They are only around the corner from me but I miss them like crazy. Aimee is not adjusting well at all to the baby room and Maggie gets so upset when she sees me. It's so upseting to see them both unhappy. GR Also I am starting to really get irritated by people fb attitudes it is not the end of the world people and we are meant to be shining THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD!!!! How can we do that if we are constantly complaining about our physical ailments, our bad day, our neighbors cat that died etc etc etc...lets be positive or just not say anything at all. I swear honest hand on heart that the other day I saw a status that read "I just had the coil fitted and it hurt so bad...now I am having such bad "(")*% cramping!"  ok first of all I don't wish to know about your sex life or that you require birth control, secondly I don't want to know about which birth control you use, and thirdly seriously I really and truely DON'T want to know about your chaacha and it's cramping. COME ON or the people who are always on the verge of a meltdown..seriously if it is that bad then perhaps you should be spending more time on your knees praying and less time on fb? only an observation. Let me see what else...oh and the one's who are always complaining about friends or partners relationship issues...this is not a counselors couch this is a social networking site viewable by many...leave it for the actual couch and a glass of wine with the girls yeah?? Or the gloating ones I don't want to know how perfect your life is especially if you have never been outside of pacific county and have not ever actually acknowledged life outside of your bubble the only reason your life is perfect is because you aren't living it. Living life is about taking risks, making mistakes and learning from them, it's about not being perfect but perfectly happy in the moment you are in. I don't want to know that your house is spotless, your husband brings you crap home and that you are happily pregnant and barefoot and yadayadayadayada...ok so I am tired and ranting a bit and possibly NOT letting His light shine that bright through me...sorry Lord but I am just tired of seeing all of these status updates and rubbish! Have a really good week everyone! God bless and much love to all of ya. xx

remember when??

Ok so I am getting ready to read my Country Living Magazine and got the giggles as I sit down with my cup of tea and magazine..before husband and children I would be the first to buy my Cosmo and diet coke, I would sprawl out wherever with Amy and Abby munching our way through platters of pickles, and brownies  and we would do all of the quizzes and giggle as we read all of the "grownup" subjects and whisper about how we would never be caught dead in those outfits lol but what fun right? Nowadays I get my magazine through the letter box and I'm like "woohoo country living!" I'm just amused at how much I have changed...now when I look at a magazine it's like "hmmm I wonder how hard it would be to make a chicken coop in the garden shed?" and "oh wow an offer for 500 tulip bulbs" whereas before it was "hmm I wonder how hard it would be to convert my closet into a dressing room" lol and "oh wow a offer on lipgloss!"  haha anyways it just struck me as silly. Hey ho but I do want some chickens in my garden, just a few, and maybe a rabbit or two? Still working on the puppy request so far its still a NO but I really think we need one ;) heehee ok that's all for now I'm going to go enjoy my country living magazine!

changes

so what is this all about? our wandering through life? I know full well that I am a human doing and being but what is it that I am supposed to be doing? I was given a word over the weekend and I am still working out how to use it. It was a brilliant word and was full of encouragement. It spoke truth into what I have been feeling for a while. God is good isn't He? I mean for me a touch from the Holy Spirit has to be a huge obvious slap in the face type of thing since I am so determined to NOT be a part of emotionalism in christianity..I am more against that then alot of things. But the weekend challenged me on so much...which is good. I was challenged to let Steve be the man of the house and to submit to his authority, to submit to his decisions and to work harder at being a loving wife to him. I was also challenged to accept that what has happened to us in the past is done with now and that I am moving forwards and rejoicing. A word that stuck out to me as I was going through the day was "Enough crying, enough sadness, enough terror in the night, enough worry, enough depression..move forward in joy and laughter"  We have had our fair share of these things in the last couple years and it is time for me to move forward. Part of the word that was given to me was that it was my turn, my time, that God wanted to bring forth these dry bones and work through me. I was challenged by my speech as well...to stop being negative and not to worry so much about what others think, to be the best version of me that I can be. It was only a one day Encounter but it has changed me for life! :) We are loving our new church..really feel like family. This sunday we were invited to sit with a family that we are getting close to and not on the end of the seat but in the middle and it was so kind of them and I really felt like I belonged...first time in what seems like since I have been in the UK. Steve is getting to be good friends with one of the pastors there and I am loving the fact that he is being accepted and encouraged as well...he's currently in reading a book about something or other but is just really growing so much in his walk with God. I am so proud of him. We are all growing in Jesus! Maggie is like a sponge and last night learned part of Jesus Loves Me but of course had to include igglepiggle and upsydaisy too so Jesus not only loves Maggie May but she wanted to be sure he loves Igglepiggle ;) how adorable is that! I am back to work in a few weeks and am nervous but I am sure it will be fine once I get into the swing of things. I also have a blood test this Friday to determine where my hormone levels are at and to see what I need to be doing to keep my PCOS at a level place. The doctor has recomended that I have the coil fitted which is a bit daunting as we were going to say no more children but over the weekend I was given a peace about it, and I suppose in a few more years maybe I would like another baby after the girls are a bit older. So it's all change, but for the good....I love this time of year. It's springtime! The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, seeds are pushing up and hope is springing forth. JOY EVERLASTING!!!!!!

catching up

This is where the notice boards will go when they are finished

My banana bread! Was so tasty!

Project 1

Maggie's sticker chart

in one single moment they remind me that life isn't about "THINGS" it is about smiles and laughter and family and living beautifully. I love you girls!

Ok so I haven't posted for a while mainly because I have been ill! I had a chest infection and was passing out and coughing up what resembled the slime in the outside garbage can :( YUCK but I have come to the conclusion that despite all of this as a mother of two and wife of one I don't get to lay in bed and "BE ILL" oh no the world still spins and life still goes on. Babies still need to be fed, toddlers still need entertaining and husbands still have that need to be reassured that they are loved. Weekdays were ok as Maggie went to nursery and I curled up on the couch with Aimee and we didn't do alot. But weekends were torture on the worst day Steve had to come home from work to look after the girls because my temp was too high to cope. I went to the walkin centre and they gave me some antibiotics which really helped although my cough is still bad but not as bad as it was? I also struggled because Maggie has decided she wants to wear big girl panties and so will randomly take her nappy off and then of course if there is no potty we end up with puddles on my floor. No big deal normally but as I went into the 40th coughing fit of the day and blacked out yet again I realized that being a mum is amazingly hard work! God has been good though I could have been much worse and had I not gone to the walk in centre when I did would have been hospitalized. This week I am catching up on housework and me work lol because I wasn't there to do the dishes they didn't get done at all last week, and my dining room looked like a bomb had gone off in it, my lounge had become a dumping ground/spare bedroom and my bedroom had that stale smell that happens when you sweat out a 104 temp :) needless to say I have had my work cut out for me this week. It's only tuesday and I seem to be doing ok. In fact I see a light at the end of the tunnel. This afternoon I am going grocery shopping with Stanley and stocking up on things for my crockpot and things that can be done healthy but in a hurry. It's begining to feel like spring outside little buds popping up out of the ground and the sky is blue more and more during the day. I love this time of year, it fills me with hope and encouragement, with Spring comes a promise and a want to do better and make things better so I am on a big "DO IT BETTER" kick! I want to start working out, I want to lose this baby weight, I want to get Maggie fully potty trained and get Aimee rolling over and sitting up in her bumbo, I am also working with Steve to strengthen our marriage and we are starting some devotionals tonight that are for Married Couples. Looking forward to doing something other then crashing in front of the telly :) Also I want to finish a few projects that I have going on. SO it's all go in our house. I am so thankful that I am feeling better and able to get up and move about...it's horrid not being able to do what I need to get done. Have a great day and be blessed!

some truths

I am a child of the King! I am a patient to the most wonderful and skilled physician! I am a customer to the worlds largest bank! I am loved by the worlds first lover. I am touched by the healer of all healers! I claim healing and wholeness I claim happiness and pureness, I claim perfect peace over my body! I claim rest and calmness as I go about my day. THESE THINGS I KNOW! the rest will follow in suit. Have a good day and whatever you are facing today know that these truths apply to you as well!

In my weakness

so I have a cold...I can't stop coughing and spluttering and feeling miserable. But I was sitting this morning and praying and in the still and quiet I heard Jesus speak to me and say in your weakness I make you strong, in your sorrow I bring you joy. SO In my weakness he is there, my hardship he is there, my sore throat he is there holding it and keeping the infections at bay. I thankyou Lord for keeping me from beingn too sick abd I praise you for your continual provision over my life! I claim healing and wholeness! AMen!

I love my husband :)

So I know it's probably obvious but I don't really post about Steve that often. So this is a blog for him :) I am so blessed to have a husband who works his full 40+hours a week, comes home looks after Maggie to give me a rest and then often helps make tea or does the dishes or tidies away for me after she goes to bed. He always suprises me with little bits and bobs and does little things like when he went to get the coffee he got the kind with a hint of chocolate in it because he knows I love it! :) I know he's not perfect and I know that our marriage is far from perfect in fact some would say it's not healthy...but sod them and their ideas because what matters is that we love each other, he supports me and I support him, we work together in life and we make things happen. Honey I love you so much and I adore the fact that you suprise me in the little things and blow me away with the big! xoxox

Zombie Momma

Aimee had her shots on Tuesday and we gave her calpol and she was fine, she slept amazingly well tuesday night and was a really good baby on weds. So we thought nothing of it....last night come bedtime she started getting fidgety and then the fidgety turned into outright fussing and screaming. She didn't want to nurse and she didn't want to lay down, she didn't want me to sit down either. I ended up being sent downstairs to sleep on the couch as we didnt want Maggie to wake up and Steve had to get up for work. So there I was trying to get this baby to sleep! Eventually at 6am she settled down and went to sleep but it was such a long night! Maggie woke up at 9am and was raring to go...but I think she could sense how tired I was because she behaved amazingly well. After she had her breakfast and watched some 'Beebies I got her dressed and took her to nursery. I came home and fed the baby and had breakfast and then fed her again and then I came upstairs changed her winded her and laid her down in a safe place. I was so ready for a rest! She wriggled about for a little while and then settled down herself and allowed me to take an hour nap! AMAZING then we had lunch with Steve and I came upstairs for a shower. This is the first time she has let me take a shower, normally she gets bored and I end up stepping out of the shower with my hair half washed or one leg shaved ;) this time however I managed to have a shower, wash my hair, shave my legs, brush my teeth and apply my hair balm (darn  you frizzy hair!!) all the while she stayed happily in her bouncer. She has been dozing off and on throughout the day so I am a little nervous about tonight but I can always nap tomorow. I feel a bit more refreshed and not so much like a Zombie but still on the verge and I have no clue what to do for tea. Was going to have left over roast beef but it turns out it was mainly fat and not much meat so there wasn't much worth making. Possibly stop and get some pizza after I get Mags tonight it's quick and easy or maybe I can get Stanley to bring home something quick. Yes better idea seeing as how he is the one working there lol. So yeah fingers crossed that she sleeps tonight. I am trying to get her used to sleeping in her big girl bed and so her naps have been meanly interupted by me putting her down and her wondering how she got from warm boob to cool sheets and wooden bars :) I'm sure she will survive lol

Getting creative!

So this is a new year and a new chance to try out my creative side. Recently we removed the top half of our French dresser as I was terrified that Maggie would pull it over on top of herself and end up really really hurt if not dead and it terrified me. So we moved it downstairs into the cellar for the next 16 years ;) lol but this left a big white wall for me to fill! I love the idea of showing off Maggie's millions of artistic designs that she comes home with from nursery and the ones that we do on our Saturdays off together but don't really have space to put them up, they end up on our cupboard doors and fall off and sadly end up crumpled. SO I am making a giant notice board to go on the wall where the dresser was. I am making one of those fabric one's with the ribbon that criss crosses across itself and you tuck bits and pieces into it. One side will be artwork the other will be a corkboard to put important remember bits in it. Since I have decorated the room in blue Toile de Joi I am getting some fabric in that print for my board! I am so excited about this.  Let me see what else am I doing....umm oh yes we are trading bedrooms with Maggie as our current one is slightly bigger and will be perfect for when the girls start to share their bedroom and need more space so I am also currently looking for storage solutions that will maximise our space. I am thinking one of those over the bed shelving units that come down the side sort of surrounding the bed? Also we are moving a super tall bookcase into the room so we have space to put bits and bobs. I am looking for a wardrobe that I can refurnish and repaint as we have to leave OURS in the girls room since they are too big. I am just brimming with creative juices and can't wait to start. I am also getting ready to do some planting I just need to pick up some dirt from the shop and plant up my starts for the greenhouse. To begin with I am going to do salad leaves, cabbage, and herbs with some tomatos as well and then will move on to starting my pumpkins and squash once my others have taken off. Really looking forward to all of these things! Lets hope I don't run out of puff and give up. Will post pictures as I go along.

the mouths of babes...

lately Maggie has been learning new words and is able to have conversations with me, profound ones that show me she is growing up and understanding the world around her. I make a point to pray over my girls audibly so they know what is going on and can learn faith through physical act not from reading or hearing about it. Today was day 4 of Maggie not going for a pooh, and I know that she is little and these things aren't seriously huge to most people but I get upset when she bumps her elbows, so to see her in this much pain and doubled over trying to pooh was tearing me up. Last night we found a lump on her tummy and I was so worried about it. So this morning while waiting for the dr's to ring us back and make an apt to see her and check the lump I decided to pray over her. So while she was laid down I put her hand, Aimee's hand and my hand over her tummy where the lump was and I said to her "Maggie we are going to pray to Jesus and ask Him to make you feel better and make your pooh come out." every time I pray I remind her that Jesus is the one who kept her safe while she was in hospital and the one who kept Mummy safe when Aimee was in my tummy, I don't know if she gets this but I want her to learn to be thankful in prayer...so anyways we prayed over her tummy with her doing some of the prayers and then we finished. Before we left for the drs she did a pooh! Then throughout the day she did a few more and was feeling so much better and her lump was going down hugely. AMAZING. We were sat having her tea and she looked over at m and said "happy birthday baby Jesus" and  I smiled and said \"yes Mags it was Jesus birthday that's right"  and then she said and I wanted to cry... "Baby Jesus big...baby Jesus fixed Maggie tummy"  That right there, that moment in time I was dumbstruck by the realization that my teeny tiny dot of a toddler recognized that Jesus healed her! You know you pray for your kids, you claim things in their names and you stand in the gap for them...it's tiring and devastatingly exhausting but that simple statement made it worth it. She is going to be something big one day!!

January?? Already??

So it is January! Goodness me! Well first of all Happy New Year and Happy Holidays! I hope all of you enjoyed your time together with your families. Ours was a time blessed with Yorkshire family, and our own little family unit! We woke up at our house christmas morning and enjoyed breakfast and opened pressies then drove up to yorkshire to see Steve's family. We realized when we were there that we had forgotten the travel cot so we had 4 in the bed at one point and only Maggie asleep :) lol hmm we did come home a day early due to weather warnings and due to the fact that I was going insane trying to keep Maggie out of all of Fredas breakable things. It was a lovely time...then we had a nice new years eve here at the house and it is now 2011! Today was so eventful I went out and worked in the garden and planted some bulbs, cut back the dead growth and Steve put our greenhouse together! So far I am filled with hope for the year, it is full of new chances, and new opportunities. I am moving into a new job role, I am a new mommy, Steve and I have been married for 7 years and so a new phase of our marriage and a more mature outlook into our future as a whole. Maggie is at that point where she is a sponge and is taking in everything she is given and responding amazingly. She learns so quickly these days and has grownup conversations. I had a conversation with my health visitor today and she told me what my mom has been telling me all along. I don't have Severe PND I have PND tendencies and am not getting enough sleep which is understandable with a baby who eats all night long. Speaking of which...she is getting much better and only wakes once or twice and the colic does seem to be easing a bit which is such a relief. I am inspired this month to start pumping again and start introducing Aimee to a bottle every now and again and that will help when I go back to work and if we want to go out to dinner and get a sitter. (AS IF THAT WILL HAPPEN RIGHT?) but yeah it will be good! So looking forward in peace and hope and acting in faith that God is going to keep us happy and healthy. Ohh I am a bit concerned about all of the swine flu fluff about but I am claiming health over my family and myself and praying for complete protection.