Christmastime!

Aw I love this time of year! The lights, the smells, the colours, the feel of Jack Frost nipping at my nose lol...it's wonderful. This year is interesting because I am making my Christmas presents and am finding that I am running out of time lol ;) I still have things to cover in fabric and flowers to create, cookies to bake and things to stick on other things. It will get done though I am sure. All of a sudden I am very tired. No actually that's not true I am exhausted. Aimee has decided that I am her dummy/pacifier so she will not stop crying unless she latches on to me. So at night she is on me for a large part of the night. This morning I have had 3 cups of coffee and still feel like I am in a fog. I'm sure it will get better and I am sure that God will give me some strength and energy...I am desperate for some energy. On a more positive note this weekend is a Christmasey weekend Maggie and I need to make a Santa's workshop and Aimee may spend the whole weekend in the Moby as I will need to be hands free to do lots of making and sticking. THe Moby is fantastic! A friend gave it to our Pastors wife back home and she couldn't use it so she passed it on to me and I adore it....it is so handy and Aimee loves being snug against me. I tend to get warm in it so I wear a tanktop and put her in a vest with leggings and she is happy as Larry. IT also leaves me free to help Maggie do things and play. We played with our camera the other day and figured out the self timer thing and managed to get a family photo! It is a very funny one and typical that Aimee and Maggie wouldnt co operate lol but it is the 4 of us none the less....my sister is so good at digital funstuff and has made it into a christmas card for me, it's gorgeous! Umm oh yes and our carol service at our new church is this sunday so I am really excited for that. We managed to find a church family that is so lovely and warm and so welcoming that after our first sunday we decided it was our new home...however due to illness and colic we haven't had a chance to go back but I am determined to get back into it. I miss church and church family. The pastor there is gorgeous and his family is the ministry team, they are so lovely and really personal! I took Aimee to see the health visitor yesterday to be wieghed and have a checkup and she has gone up two whole lines in her weight! She now weighs 9lb4oz! They did a quick evaluation on me as well and decided some other bits but I am not even discussing them untill after Christmas as they aren't full of joy and good tidings and I am giving God a chance to fix them for me :) Nothing too worisome just things that are connected with being a fulltime mummy and wife and from the previous pregnancy that didn't get resolved. It's just satan trying to worm his way into our lives and it isn't going to happen. God is a God of healing and restoration and I believe He is going to heal and restore me. I am not going to allow silliness to creep in and make me into a person I refuse to be. I just don't accept it.  So not alot to do for Christmas, a few stocking stuffers to get but am done! Okkkkkkk now back to life just wanted a quick update. xxx Mara

Feeling

So lately I am so busy with life that I haven't been able to blog. Today I am waiting for the plumber to come fix  a busted pipe in my shed and the baby has gone to sleep therefore I am going to sit and write.

I am coming to the realization that there is a huge divide in women today. There are the women who have families and are very family oriented, they live and breathe their families.  Their every thought is for their families well being and their happiness. I think that these women are under significant pressure that if they choose to be family women and to want this then they are required to be perfect mothers, to always pay attention to their children and to keep their houses spotless, to work part time and spend the rest of their time growing and nurturing their children. GOD forbid that they should want time to themselves, and GOD forbid that their children should ever become unhappy in the least. I feel incredibly guilty for taking Maggie for nursery, and have started taking her later and later and collecting her earlier and earlier...however am I doing it for us or am I doing it so that people don't think of me as a bad parent. Maggie is incredibly out of whack with the new baby and while she loves her she tends to act out when she isn't getting what she thinks is enough attention. It was mentioned to me by someone who doesn't have children that what my child needed was more time with me at home.     HA yes I repeat someone who has no children was giving a mother of two with one very new baby ADVICE.  This has made me feel so incredibly guilty and like a bad mother...am I not giving her enough attention? and then the normal me kicks in and says "you dumbass of course you are giving her enough attention...you are a fabulous mother and she is TWO this is what two year olds do...seek attention!"   I am aware that my child is struggling with her behaviour and I am aware that I need to deal with it...but do not attempt to supernanny me when I am far more experienced then you will ever be. Is it wrong to be so uptight about this or is it normal? I watched sex and the city 2 a little while ago and there is this bit where Miranda and Charlotte are chatting and they talk about being mothers and how they feel so guilty wanting to spend time doing things they love and not doing things with their children all the time. I think that is so true and so many mum's feel the same way. I feel like if I am home and doing housework and taking an extra 5 minutes in the shower, that  I am neglecting my child who is happily playing at nursery and actually prefers nursery to home. When in actual fact I don't get time to myself, I don't do fun things like go out for coffees or shopping, when I am home I am with Aimee and I put Maggie into nursery because I want her to be happy and have attention given to her. NOT keeping her home while there is a screaming baby and a tired stressed out me.  I am constantly battling with whether or not I am a good enough mom to Maggie. I am always putting myself down and expecting far more of myself then is physically possible and then I have a huge letdown when I don't live up to my expectations. I am a really good mother actually and deep down I know this. Maggie is very spoiled and before Aimee came along was the only princess in the house and was used to not having me tell her no, and not having to be quiet and not having to wait for a 5th bowl of raisins when I am feeding Aimee. The child has everything she could possible want, she has more clothes than anyone else I know and does have the emotional support she needs...maybe not as much as I would like to give her but I only stretch to a certain limit without myself going over the edge. I don't know what I am saying here I think I just needed to rant but I am feeling so RAHHHH!!! that I need to do something. I am just not sure what it is. I love being a mother, I love being a wife, and I think my main problem is I allow myself to feel guilty and allow myself to take the blame for crap that doesn't involve me or even pertain to me. I think I need to have the confidence in myself to know that I am a damn good mother and that what others think doesn't matter.  Writing it is one thing...actually believing it is another.

Without even realizing

I grew up with a plan in my head and I knew exactly what I was going to do and how I was going to get it. I was going to go and do something huge! 26 years down the line and here I am....my dreams have changed so much since when I was a teenager, I no longer strive to be perfect and the goal of my days is not to be the best and have the best but to simply live well. I don't wake up in the morning and think about my wants and my needs but I consider the needs of my two beautiful children and my amazing husband. Yesterday we celebrated our 7 year anniversary and it was a wonderful day. I was sat thinking this morning that without realizing it I was living a dream. It isn't what I origionally dreamt 15 years ago but I am happy. I think about some people that I know who are alone, who don't have children, who don't have a home and who's priortities are so different to mine. I used to think that being succesful and well educated was the way to go and for some this is the case but now my dreams are more home based. They consist of a two year old and a 9 week old...they involve my husband and I being happy and settled in our lives. My dreams now are those that most mothers have to wake up content in the knowledge that their children are safe and that their husband is madly in love with them just as much now as they were when they first met. My goals are attainable now today my goal has been to clear our bedroom and I have nearly reached it. My other goal for today is to clean the kitchen and make up a batch of cookie dough to make cookies with Maggie tomorow. I speak to my friends who don't have children and our lives are not the same anymore, my life consists of nappies, teething, developmental concerns and maybe an hour of peace with my husband in the evening.  Their lives consist of school, their partners, jobs, shopping, hair apts, dr apts. . . and I find myself gradually having nothing in common with them. I am at peace with that because where I am now is a place of being a mother and a wife...to being someone to another person and having that connection. I Am : Steve's wife,  Maggie and Aimee's mother and for once in my life I am happy with belonging to somebody. I always wanted to be the individual the quirky and unique one. These days I sit in a coffee shop with my little family unit, baby on the breast and toddler colouring in front of me. . . I am complete! Without even realizing it I have been living my dream....I am content in my life and am happy with the person I am becoming.