Story1

This is just a short story for someone who is helping me with an idea that I am working on. I thought I would post it on here for those family members who may not know our story completely. Cheers!


I wanted a baby from the moment I married Steve. I knew that we would make great parents and that we would be everything we could to our children. By no means perfect but we would try our hardest.  At first we waited "sensibly" and after a year or so we decided to start trying for a baby. Be patient everyone said it doesnt always happen right away. So we were patient. Eventually we decided to find out why it was taking so long and were told that I have poly cystic ovary syndrom and that I don't ovulate. I was given the oportunity to go through fertility treatment. It must have been a God thing because I got pregnant within a week of taking the treatment. I had such a healthy and happy pregnancy I loved every moment of it...I was brave and ladylike through the first bit when I couldnt eat. I rejoiced over every step hearing her heartbeat, seeing her little bean like shape and then her little alien form on the screen. Then finding out she was a she! We talked to her all the time, I rubbed her little bottom and told her all of my hearts desires and hopes for her. I danced and played music for her. We would watch tv and she would do cartwheels at the sounds of the people's voices. I loved being pregnant. At 28 weeks I had my checkup and all was positive, my weight was going steady, her size was going well, and my belly button was proudly sticking as far as it could go out! We were going to have a baby. We didnt realize that this baby would show up on my birthday nearly 3 months early. I woke early that morning with cramps and still being asleep wandered to the loo and somehow in a daze realized I hadnt gotten my period but that I had in fact lost my plug and that I was bleeding heavily.  I panicked and screamed to Steve to call an ambulance. This whole time all I desperately wanted was to feel her move,  some sign that she was still alive. As the paramedic got to our house I went down and sat on the couch and to my amazement she lurched! She was alive. My baby was still fighting. I knew at that point I was going to have this baby that day, I could feel her moving down the birth canal. I can't imagine the terror she must have been feeling and the confusion. So they put an iv line in me and got me to the hospital. I remember so clearly stting on the bed with this disgusting scratchy blanket watching this ugly man fill out the paperwork for the hospital. I couldnt stop thinking about the germs (isnt it funny where the mind goes in a trauma experience?)  At this point I wasnt in full labour but was having twinges and still bleeding so much, when we got to the hospital it was as if Maggie knew she could come and she proceeded to claw her way down. They forced a line into me and a transfusion drip, they managed somehow to fit the cathetor (which is horrid) and then it was time I knew it was time and I was in full labour. I had no clue how to have a baby, it wasnt time and I was in my oversized tshirt and didnt even have a scrunci, I hadnt shaved my legs and my toenails were all different shades of red. BUT Maggie was comming. At some point a nurse said to me "it's ok to swear sweetheart even ladies do it sometimes" but instead I started Mooing, I think it was mooing...not sure. Towards the end they said I could have as much gas  as I wanted that it wouldnt hurt the baby so I wouldnt let go of it. Steve had to pry it out of my mouth. All the while Maggie was still clawing her way out. Eventually it was time...the most terrifying and refreshing feeling when my water broke and out came that tiny tiny lump...all I could see was her hair. She had soo much hair. She was born straight into a ziplock bag to keep her temperature and she was taken away from me instantly. I still can't discuss this without getting upset because what mother expects to have their daughter torn away from them so suddenly without being able to touch them? Or even see them. Steve was allowed to take a picture on his phone for me to see and then they wisked her off.  I was put on a drip and given a plasma transfusion. It was at this time that I realized I might die. The whole time I was in labour I hadnt thought about all the fluids I had been losing and all the blood I had lost. The Dr.s had a word with each other and left me to rest while I had my 3 hour dose of blood and fluids.  My recovery was a miracle in itself because there was such a chance of me not making it and I was up and around so quickly afterwards. My main goal was to find my baby.  It was 3 days before I was allowed to hold her, and a day before I could touch her. I was made to stay at the hospital maternity wing for a week so they could moniter me, but it gave me a chance to stay with Maggie or at least next to her isolete.  She was such a huge fighter, she gave it everything she could from the word go. She had people around the world praying for her and was so strong. Everyone was in love with her. There wasnt anything she couldnt do and despite being born so early she was perfect...just very small. She was so small that a nappy/diaper was far too big and so they used a cotton ball around her. Every day we would sing to her, pray over her, read to her, and watch her grow. We got to know some amazing people in the nurses and doctors who looked after her and grew to consider them family. Maggie eventually was strong enough to move to a different hospital and was put into the nursery. Therer were a few hiccups and a few times where infection came into play but again GOD had his hand over her. My boss woke up at the very moment she as having problems and knew to pray for Maggie. People sent me emails saying they felt led to pray for Maggie and stand in the gap for her at different times...times when she really needed it. She began to thrive and we were told she could go home. She went home in November and has been home since. She has gradually grown stronger and stronger, she has thrived, and is becoming her own little self. Sometimes I look at her and it takes me breath away because although she looks like a slightly small 17month old there is nothing to say what she has been through and yet I know that she is a miracle...my miracle. My fighter and my perfect gift.

Not a baby anymore :(

After getting Maggie dressed and ready for nursery yesterday, I settled her next to steve so I could get ready, and then I took a step back and looked at her. I came to the sudden realization something that has been creeping up on me slowly lately. She isnt a baby anymore. She is a toddler. She is feeding herself, thinking for herself, trying to walk, and so independent. It is so amazing to see how far she has come and how amazing she has done! My angel is a big girl now...she now chooses when she wants a hug and when she wants a kiss....the other day she was laying on my chest and she took her nunu out and reached up with a bird like face and planted a big kiss on my lips without any persuading or asking she just kissed me and said "mumah!"  (that's what she calls me) I know that there will be so many moments in our life together where I will be proud to bursting but this week I am proud to bursting with her! She is perfect in every way and will always be my baby no matter how big or rolly polly she gets. It's funny isnt it, I have always considered myself an ice queen I don't "do" emotions, but she has the ability to reduce me to blubber with a simple kiss. I love you Maggie-May!

Tulips!

Steve came home with a bouqet of beautiful tulips for me yesterday because he knew how much I was struggling. They were beautiful and just a little glimmer of hope that Spring would be here soon and that the world wasn't the grey depressing place that it felt. The thing about yesterday was I felt selfish and really single minded as I refused to think about the awful thing that had happened to our friends. I came to realize that I wasn't being selfish at all, I am continuing to pray for them and I left my regards for them. There isn't a whole lot more I can do for them and obsessing over what happened will only upset me. So I didn't actually do anything wrong. Life isnt fair, and sometimes it sucks but I can only do my best to make it a better place. 
      Today we went into town and it was nice! Our little family unit walking about looking in shops getting just the normal things we need and then going and having a coffee and panini in The Cheesecake Shop, I felt like I had to keep reafirming how grateful I was for my family to Steve so I kept hugging him and snuggling Mags. I am just so happy to be alive and be free to live the life that I live. I am blessed.

The unspoken

There is something that happens when you have a child in a neo natal unit...you change into a shadow of what you used to be. You become superstitious when you grew up in a christian household and there are some things you refuse to discuss amongst family and friends and doctors let alone think about. There are what if's but you always skirt around THAT what if. Today I was forced to acknowledge the unspoken as a personal friend was affected by it. My heart breaks for them and I feel guilty because I cannot fully "go there" when most people are fine to discuss it.  When you have a baby early it is like a loss and I am still mourning my loss, and though it was a loss I gained so much. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have that loss, to gain it back and then this.  I call it the unspoken because after having Maggie my world was shaken to the core and I believe that spoken words carry power and I refused to speak those words when Maggie was in hospital and for so long afterwards...in fact to this day I refuse to say those words. To my dear friends who are experiencing something that nobody should ever have to experience I am sorry, my heart breaks for you and I pray that God would gather you up in His arms and hide you away for a little while and allow you to draw strength from Him. I love you both and wish I could have met your dear precious angel.

My new role:

I am now absolutley loving my new role as a full time mummy and part time nursery nurse! Maggie really seems to be bonding more with me and connecting more with me. I am finding that her speech is all of a sudden blossoming! I do make a point to talk to her constantly and explain all the process's of what I am doing whether it is the laundry, making a cup of tea or doing meals. I explain each step and then she repeats little words that I say. She is also starting to become more independent and more inquisitive. I thought at first I would maybe leave her at nursery for the odd afternoon and mornings BUT I hate it when I leave her there so now lately I bring her home and we hang out together. I grew up with my mom at home all the time and I never realized how blessed I was. She was lucky enough to not have to work alot and we grew up happy in the knowledge that she was always there. Now that I have Maggie  I sometimes get upset knowing that if she falls over at nursery it isnt me who picks her up and if she takes her first steps there I might not get to see her take them. I think that is why I take her home whenever I can. She is at that age where she is fun and interacts more. We recently got a child in our room who is the same age as Maggie and it scares me because it means it won't be long untill she will be in my room. :( She is growing up! And she is doing so well while she grows. Well done Ms. Maggie May! xx

Thankful!

Steve finished early today, I finished early today and Maggie is taking a nap in her cot. I am thankful for the things in my life that are mundane and every day. I am thankful for the cup of tea I enjoy as I sit and listen to the birds outside my window, I am thankful for my husband who is so excited about his job and is telling me everything I ever wanted to know about bananas ;) lol but seriously I am thankful for my life and for everything in it. I am blessed!

What am I

I went to a training course on Monday about Schemas. It is the new "term" for learning groups and children. There are different schemas and one of them was the enveloper and the enclosure. I am both of these. The enveloper likes to show an interest in covering themselves the enjoy dressing up, they make dens and they like to put things into bags and containers. An enclosure shows an interest in and creates an enclosed space, they like to combine and are very interested if not driven by order.   I am all of these things. It is interesting as I do my childcare training and my studies to see where in the world I fit in. And how I learn. :) When I did my DTS there was a speaker who taught how everyone learned things differently. I learn best when I am doing what I am learning so I am writing it down, working it through and using my hands. My worst case scenario is being in a huge group being talked at...I lose focus. . . I can't concentrate and my mind wanders...I find myself looking for windows and wondering how hard it would be to climb out and sit on the roof/in the trees. OR I take my ipod turn it on and leave my hair down.  I think the more I work with my toddlers I realize that I am just a kid trapped inside a grownups body. I love to play! I love getting messy and I love exploring things. I love to ask WHY and HOW COME and WHEN. I am nosey :) I love to dance but not in a sexy romantic way I love to dance in a crazy neurotic hyper arms flapping and hip shaking way. Maggie looks at me like I've lost my mind...but it's all about being uninhibited. I think that God probably gets a big kick out of me and shakes his head in confusion alot of time because I am not a mature Christian, I don't sit and pray for hours (would like to but don't have time)   I don't preach to everyone and I don't go to church.  BUT I do love Him un resoundadly I absolutely love my God. I love how He looks after me and my family, I love how He keeps the weather in check and I love everything about Him...and I know He loves me too..... I fiond my fave times with Jesus are when it's just Maggie and I, maybe I will be cleaning the kitchen and Maggie will be banging on pots and pans and I start sining hyms I grew up with. Or I will be laying on the couch with her just enjoying that Maggie smell and I will feel His gentle presence around us. I don't do emotions very well, I don't like emotional people. . . but I do think that He understands me and understands my reasons and He accepts me. I really think that my relationship with Him is ok, I know there are cracks but show me someone who doesn't have cracks. I don't know what this blog is about but it is what I have been mulling over today while suposedly doing my learning journeys :) lol xox M

All I want for christmas...

ok so I know it's definately not Christmas but you know that song...all I want for christmas is my two front teeth yes my two front teeth...lol well tonight I saw that Maggie's top front teeth were finally starting to poke through! It's funny because I had said to the health visitor on thursday how concerned I was about her teeth...and now she has them! :) So cute. She actually let me look at them as well this time. Last time for her first tooth she wouldnt let anyone near it. Aww such a proud moment for my little bean. So that is our news for today. :) Wooh! Ohh and I am really looking forwards to finishing at 12 tomorow! yay!

The snow is going away :(

It has been raining off and on all day and I find this sad really since we didnt have snow for very long...it was beautiful while it lasted. I adore the sound of it! I love how you always know when it snows in the night because everything suddenly goes absolutely still and quiet. I think sometimes I need snow in my mind and soul...I need that moment of stillness and quietness. I think with Steve's new job and my time at home I will have more time to experience that. Hopefully anyways. Steve loves his new job, he is coming home tired and aching which means he is active! That is good! Maggie today tried to walk again...she isn't going to be long. I think it's her confidence that she needs instead of actual talent. She walks with me fine holding on with just one hand so I think she just needs that boost. Oh yeah and she is also trying to climb everything at the moment....not succeeding very well but that little leg hitches up and her bottom sticks out lol! I love it! Well this weekend hasn't been overly productive just bits and pieces around the house...it's been lovely having Steve home today though! I got to take a nap! :) Ohh and a shower without wondering if Maggie is awake in her cot lol....so nice to have a bit of time to do little me things.

Trying this out again

So I now have time on my hands to be a mum and a wife! I am loving it. I have cut my hours at work right down and am home with Maggie alot more. I am really looking forward to this time and I figured that since I have time to do me things now. I can get back into blogging :) This is just a little thing for ppl to keep up with us Slater's. :) Hope everyone is having a lovely new years so far.
cheers!
Mara