Mama

There have been so many times during my life with Maggie that I have doubted myself and beat myself up for things that are stupid and silly. Things I can't control. When the PND gets bad I often wonder if she will hate me when she is older and if she really loves me or if it's because I am there that she comes to me. I know that these are awful thoughts and I am working on them but today was a bit of a breakthrough for me. She cried when I left her at nursery and when she saw me come in she got excited. I had to go pee really bad so I walked past the baby room to the toilets and I heard her exclaim for the first time "MAMA!"   It hit me then so clearly that she does love me in her own way and she isnt going to hate me for what happened to her. She will probably love me more for keeping her safe and healthy when I could. She is becoming my shadow now. At about 4:30 onwards she is my babygirl, she clings to me, she follows me around the house, she sits on my feet while I cook dinner, she plays near me while I do dishes. She clambers up onto my lap and lays there jabbering away and expecting me to reply to her conversation. I know that I have so many issues concerning my pregnancy and her birth and I know it isnt going to be fixed instantly but today was a healing process for me. I was in town shopping and was going to pick her up at 330 and I missed her so much that I went back at like 2:30 instead to get her because I wanted to spend my time with her. There was a moment this evening when I picked her up and she put her head on my chest and it was like she was saying I love you in her own way.   This is my baby and today I became the "mama!"