feeling inspirational??

Which is my speak for "rambly" :) ok so I am going to be honest because that is what Blogging is about. I don't ask you to read this I don't expect you to like it. Blogging for me is a theraputical way of airing my opinions and getting things off my chest in a safe non judgemental space. But today I was just so tired I was exhausted it's been a hell of a long week and to be very honest I just wasn't in the mood couldn't be asked. We went to a fabulous bbq last night for the church's camp finale and watched the fireworks, came home had a glass of wine and went to bed. I woke up full of grump and ump...didn't want to go to church. I am not a good cryer I hate tears and emotion...I know that's hard to believe as I am so brutally honest in here but for those of you who have met me you know that I am often refered to as the Ice Maiden as I just don't buckle, break or show emotion. This last week has been emotional. I feel like at times I am having to justify my grief to people which makes me angry, I feel like because I actually know a little bit more about  certain things that others are angry or jealous of that? I mean hello grow the heck up! It's not about who knows what and how much one knows it's about supporting and loving on the individual in need. Anyways where was I going oh yes inspiring. SO we did get to church...all four of us :) it took so getting there but once I got in the groove even though emotionally I was shattered it was nice to be in the house of God if you know what I mean? I love that when I walk into church I can almost taste Jesus...I will be the very first to point out that I am a pretty sucky Christian, I fail miserably so often that I wonder if grace covers me this much...and I get so frustrated with my inadequecies(sp?) and shortcommings that I just can't cope some days. I guess that is why God is God and I am not right? :) But anyways yeah so we get there and I am just sort of not in the mood for people. I want Jesus and nothing more, I knew that the family who lost Matt would be there as it is their church and they run it and I was so worried about saying the right thing and doing the right thing but it didn't matter because Jesus showed up and grace came down and I was at peace. Oddly this happenend somewhere in between worship and going upstairs to creche. I personally have an issue with creche... and try to get out of going as often as possible simply because I work with children all week so why on earth should i be expected to be there on a sunday? I'm not called to be there so why should I do it. Just because I work with children for a living doesn't mean I want to do it on Sunday. ANYWAY I went up with the girls because Maggie was in big girl pants and I was a bit nervous her being left to have a stranger take her. When I got up there I actually relaxed and had a little bit of fun...not enough to want to do it and then at the end t he woman who runs it actually acknowledged that I needed to be down in service and is tweaking it so I can leave the girls and not worry about them upstairs. PHEW but oh goodness so I came home feeling better but still so tired. Then I visited with Jane and Lucy for a while whilst the man folk took down the marquee at the camp and took it over the the church. It was so hard not to be impolite and ask if they would mind if I went upstairs and took a nap :) lol can you imagine? "Excuse me for an hour while I just go take a nap"! lol anyways so then steve came home I fixed tea (slow cooked beef with tika sauce served over steamed basmati rice and baby potatoes!) and then we put the girls in the bath and got them ready for bed. Maggie has discovered how to open her door in her room and so after I had gotten Aims to bed peacefully Magggie chose that moment to open her door and start screaming nonsense at the top of her lungs. I was livid but as I had done everything for the girls for the last 2 nights DADDY got to sort them out. It was then while I had my first 15 minutes of childfree time that I began to feel inspirational. :) leading me to here and after writing all of this I suppose I will leave you with a simple quote that I found online and fell in love with!

love, loss, life, laughter and losing the plot :)

These are just a few things I have been experiencing lately. I will start with the first one : warning it is a bit gushy and possibly tmi :) lol ok so here we go!
Love!
I am married and because I am married I am allowed to do certain things with my husband nay expected to do certain things with my husband right? Not going into detail but we know what I mean. But after I had Aimee I struggled with the whole birth control concept we talked about sterilization and discussed me or him having it done and I just wasn't at peace with it. I am forever forgetting to take my multivitamins so I knew that being responsible for THE PILL would be laughable until I got pg again..so we then talked to the fabulous Dr. Hall...I secretly have a grown up like for this man lol he is old enough to be my grandad and yet is so personable and kind and aproachable not to mention I went into labour in his drs office lol! BUT anyways we sat down and had a discussion about the coil and decided together that it would be worth having done. I had it done and oh my life it hurt. I have a huge pain tollerance and giving birth naturally was not easy but it wasn't the most painful thing either I could to it again I'm sure. So I had it done and the cramping was like nothing I've ever felt in my life and then they left it too long so it was like walking around with a fishing line hanging out? Eventually they fixed it and I just have to say I love being married :) I love the intimacy that comes from being with my husband. The closeness we have and the unity that comes from sharing those moments with him. I am blessed to be his wife.
The next one is hard for me because it is something I haven't dealt with more then 2 times in my life on a personal level and it has shaken me to the core. One of the reasons that Steve and I have gone back to church was because there was a man who brought his children to nursery and he was such a kind gentle man he was the sort of man that you said hi and he would ask and genuinely mean "HOW ARE YOU"  he would take time to talk to you. He had a beautiful wife and two gorgeous little boys. This man was taken away from us last week in a horrific and unfair way...he didn't deserve it, wasn't expecting it and in all other ways just it was not fair. I was left reeling because I had gotten close to this family..I was their babysitter on odd occasions and always looked forward to sundays when I would get to visit with them. He was a gentle and quiet man always smiling always positive and always looking for the good in people. He encouraged us to go back to church and to thrive and bloom where we were planted. Matt I am going to miss you so much..you were a legend and you led so many people to Jesus. Your legacy will stay on forever. May you find the reason for your joy and be filled with it daily up there. I have no doubt in my mind that Matt is in Heaven, I know he is happy and healthy and well and dancing with Jesus.
Life:
I am loving my role in the Big Room, I am finding my niche and aclimatizing myself to it. The girls I work with are quirky and unique. We all work differently and are finding our strengths and weakness's. I have just been given my new key group and am so excited about my children...have already started praying for them. Family life is going well my girls are growing up so quickly...Aimee has two teeth and is working on her top two, Maggie moves up to the big room on monday and Steve is just plodding along. He's started running which makes me so proud of him he is such a hottie! And me well I am just living and trying to stay afloat. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am not going home this year and trying to stay positive...failing miserably but it's really hard to see the positive side of it.
Laughter:
Laughter is what keeps me going. Tonight in the bath the girls got the giggles and Maggie got Aimee to laugh continuously for minutes straight it was beautiful. The most amazing sound in the world is my girls laughing!
Losing the plot:
what on earth is wrong with the world...don't have the stamina to go into it but I am praying for all of those riots.....Jesus be the Centre....oh and Leanne I am praying sweetie for you, for your attitude that one day you find Jesus and that you see that you don't have to be a rude evil nasty piece of work and that you can enjoy the love of Jesus and his JOYfulness. I forgive you for the text even if it was inapropriately rude.   Not that you read this blog but had to get it out there :) Goodnight world...goodnight moon, good night goodnight Godbless

unanswered stress!

I am not sure where to go with this...I am so frustrated at the moment! I am working part time and trying to be a full time mommy and wife. That is the obvious..I am trying daily to be a good person to better myself spirtually and to further my walk with God. I am so exhausted and so ready for a break! Having said that we got our nursery invoice today and it basicly reiterated the fact that I am working to put my children into nursery and that depressed me. HOWEVER while working I make just enough to pay the other bills in my life so it is just a never ending cycle. Work to live but there is no extra to enjoy my family in our downtime. We aren't going to the states because it's so expensive and we aren't going anywhere else because we are being responsible and paying bills instead. It's crappy. I am tithing I am being a good responsible adult and yet I still can't win. OK I GET IT I AM BLESSED ok? I get it I have a roof over my head, a job, food in my cupboard and so much to be thankful for I have a family I love and friends all over the world who love me. BUT I want a break a holiday a rest a respite. I want to feel the sand between my toes and taste the salty air. I want to feel my hair whipping in the wind. I am frustrated...grr it's like the harder I try (with God's help before anyone says "mara you are trying to do it on your own that's your problem!") and still just don't get to enjoy things. :( Boo!!!

LOW

laying down, flat out, giving it all up, can't do it on my own, can't find the energy to try, can pretend to be happy, can pretend it's all good and ok but at the end of the day the only one I am fooling is me. SO Here I am the human form of me...I am a failure, a weakling, I am moody and not a great wife or mother or parent...I have a very low opinion of myself and if I get very honest about it....I suck basicly. I am tired..so tired..beyond exhaustion what comes when you reach that point of the end? Where do you go if you step off the ledge? What happens when it all gets too much and you can't take it any more? Will they ever understand and further more does it matter if they do since most of they are the reason for this crap? Every part of this body aches and cries out for peace. I passed a sign today that said "in Him you will find your peace" I know this is true but so far I am not finding any peace...I can only fight for so long. I am getting to the done point. 

oh ok goodness whew blech yuck eck ick hmm arggh

not sure where I am going with this but I just need to say for the record to anyone who has ever gone back to work and had a nervous breakdown or watched your heart break into pieces my heart goes out to you...I have gone back to work and whilst I love my new job and am excited about all the challenges I miss my babies so much. They are only around the corner from me but I miss them like crazy. Aimee is not adjusting well at all to the baby room and Maggie gets so upset when she sees me. It's so upseting to see them both unhappy. GR Also I am starting to really get irritated by people fb attitudes it is not the end of the world people and we are meant to be shining THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD!!!! How can we do that if we are constantly complaining about our physical ailments, our bad day, our neighbors cat that died etc etc etc...lets be positive or just not say anything at all. I swear honest hand on heart that the other day I saw a status that read "I just had the coil fitted and it hurt so bad...now I am having such bad "(")*% cramping!"  ok first of all I don't wish to know about your sex life or that you require birth control, secondly I don't want to know about which birth control you use, and thirdly seriously I really and truely DON'T want to know about your chaacha and it's cramping. COME ON or the people who are always on the verge of a meltdown..seriously if it is that bad then perhaps you should be spending more time on your knees praying and less time on fb? only an observation. Let me see what else...oh and the one's who are always complaining about friends or partners relationship issues...this is not a counselors couch this is a social networking site viewable by many...leave it for the actual couch and a glass of wine with the girls yeah?? Or the gloating ones I don't want to know how perfect your life is especially if you have never been outside of pacific county and have not ever actually acknowledged life outside of your bubble the only reason your life is perfect is because you aren't living it. Living life is about taking risks, making mistakes and learning from them, it's about not being perfect but perfectly happy in the moment you are in. I don't want to know that your house is spotless, your husband brings you crap home and that you are happily pregnant and barefoot and yadayadayadayada...ok so I am tired and ranting a bit and possibly NOT letting His light shine that bright through me...sorry Lord but I am just tired of seeing all of these status updates and rubbish! Have a really good week everyone! God bless and much love to all of ya. xx

remember when??

Ok so I am getting ready to read my Country Living Magazine and got the giggles as I sit down with my cup of tea and magazine..before husband and children I would be the first to buy my Cosmo and diet coke, I would sprawl out wherever with Amy and Abby munching our way through platters of pickles, and brownies  and we would do all of the quizzes and giggle as we read all of the "grownup" subjects and whisper about how we would never be caught dead in those outfits lol but what fun right? Nowadays I get my magazine through the letter box and I'm like "woohoo country living!" I'm just amused at how much I have changed...now when I look at a magazine it's like "hmmm I wonder how hard it would be to make a chicken coop in the garden shed?" and "oh wow an offer for 500 tulip bulbs" whereas before it was "hmm I wonder how hard it would be to convert my closet into a dressing room" lol and "oh wow a offer on lipgloss!"  haha anyways it just struck me as silly. Hey ho but I do want some chickens in my garden, just a few, and maybe a rabbit or two? Still working on the puppy request so far its still a NO but I really think we need one ;) heehee ok that's all for now I'm going to go enjoy my country living magazine!

changes

so what is this all about? our wandering through life? I know full well that I am a human doing and being but what is it that I am supposed to be doing? I was given a word over the weekend and I am still working out how to use it. It was a brilliant word and was full of encouragement. It spoke truth into what I have been feeling for a while. God is good isn't He? I mean for me a touch from the Holy Spirit has to be a huge obvious slap in the face type of thing since I am so determined to NOT be a part of emotionalism in christianity..I am more against that then alot of things. But the weekend challenged me on so much...which is good. I was challenged to let Steve be the man of the house and to submit to his authority, to submit to his decisions and to work harder at being a loving wife to him. I was also challenged to accept that what has happened to us in the past is done with now and that I am moving forwards and rejoicing. A word that stuck out to me as I was going through the day was "Enough crying, enough sadness, enough terror in the night, enough worry, enough depression..move forward in joy and laughter"  We have had our fair share of these things in the last couple years and it is time for me to move forward. Part of the word that was given to me was that it was my turn, my time, that God wanted to bring forth these dry bones and work through me. I was challenged by my speech as well...to stop being negative and not to worry so much about what others think, to be the best version of me that I can be. It was only a one day Encounter but it has changed me for life! :) We are loving our new church..really feel like family. This sunday we were invited to sit with a family that we are getting close to and not on the end of the seat but in the middle and it was so kind of them and I really felt like I belonged...first time in what seems like since I have been in the UK. Steve is getting to be good friends with one of the pastors there and I am loving the fact that he is being accepted and encouraged as well...he's currently in reading a book about something or other but is just really growing so much in his walk with God. I am so proud of him. We are all growing in Jesus! Maggie is like a sponge and last night learned part of Jesus Loves Me but of course had to include igglepiggle and upsydaisy too so Jesus not only loves Maggie May but she wanted to be sure he loves Igglepiggle ;) how adorable is that! I am back to work in a few weeks and am nervous but I am sure it will be fine once I get into the swing of things. I also have a blood test this Friday to determine where my hormone levels are at and to see what I need to be doing to keep my PCOS at a level place. The doctor has recomended that I have the coil fitted which is a bit daunting as we were going to say no more children but over the weekend I was given a peace about it, and I suppose in a few more years maybe I would like another baby after the girls are a bit older. So it's all change, but for the good....I love this time of year. It's springtime! The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, seeds are pushing up and hope is springing forth. JOY EVERLASTING!!!!!!