turkey breast, ham, lettuce, pickles, onions, jalepenoes, and southwest sauce.

This is what I had for lunch and it was delicious! I havent been sick since sunday so I am crossing my fingers and praying hard.....it's funny how once you have the baby your forget about morning sickness but during the time it feels like the only thing in the world.  It really is enough this time to put me off having any more children. I love my food and I hate feeling sick....my two big things in life eat well and live well. I can't live well if I am worried about throwing up on my bosses perfectly done hair and high heels.  So here is hoping that I am going to start feeling better. I really and truely need my dishes done they are just piling up and every time I go to do them I get sick and end up having to lie down. I feel bad asking steve to do it. Maybe he can do it just once more. Pray he feels like blessing me by doing the dishes. :) He isnt as patient with me this time around. With Maggie he was the doting fascinated husband and this time it's like "oh my goodness mara are you sick again?!"  OR  "it's just a bowl of dishes I am sure it's not that bad"    I know he is exhausted from work but so am I and then I look after Maggie as well....I wish he could see how very tired I really and truely am. I hope he gets more excited about this baby as time goes on. I feel a bit alone sometimes because he doesnt seem as interested. Maybe he is still in shock...it is a big adjustment.  Anyways that is my randomness....xxx

daily moment of peace

So my tea is in my tummy, the baby is bathed and snuggling with her dad and the house is peaceful. I love these moments when the world doesnt seem to exist and we all just slide into quiet. I spend so much of my day singing and dancing, jumping and cheering, trips to the potty trips to the ballpool, hugs and cold compresses and finding lost dummies and muslin squares. There is not alot of time in my day where I can pause and say "thank you Lord for your goodness and your mercy, for your abounding grace and love!" So I like to use this time to go over what I am thankful for and how thankful I am for it.
I am so grateful for my God my protector and providor, my comforter and refuge.
I  am so grateful for my husband who is also the things mentioned above as well as my lover and my best friend.
I am grateful for my beautifully perfect daughter who makes every part of my day worth living, and who has overcome so much and really is the pride of my life.
I am grateful for this new life growing inside me, the life that miraculously chose now to show up and become a person. This new chance to start over and try this pregnancy again.
I am grateful for the roof over my head and the food in my house there are so many who arent as fortunate as I am.
I am grateful for my job...yes even that lol I am grateful to have a steady income and a job that I am fortunate to love most days and children to look after that remind me why it is important to be young.
Most of all I am grateful for my ability to be myself whether myself is dragged out of bed and looks horrible or myself is glowing and radiant...I am so thankful to be able to be me....crazy quirky and odd but unique...ME
So in the quiet I say "thank you Lord, I love you and I am grateful for all that you do in my life!" 

We're going to have a baby!

God has been amazingly miraculous! We were told after having Maggie through fertility treatment that it might not happen again. So we sort of put trying for another baby to the back of our minds and decided to enjoy the little family that we had.  In early February I started feeling really rotten and couldn't stop going to the toilet, I thought maybe I had the flu but was about 2 weeks late on my period. SO I thought "there is no human way possible that I am pregnant again, I mean I havent used birth control for 19 months so why would it happen now?"  but I went and got a test and sure enough I tested positive. This was an amazing shock and I will be honest it has taken me nearly all this time to accept that life is about God's timing not my timing. I love this child the same as I do Maggie and I can't wait to blossom and grow. I am terrified, I am scared to death after last time BUT I am being refered to a clinic and will be heavily monitered...that is if they ever get into contact...*gotta love the nhs* This is a miracle and we are just awestruck by the amazingness of it. Maggie was a miracle of science and God but this baby is a miracle of nature and love and God! Imagine me....being pregnant naturally I never once considered it. To be honest I have been so sick this time, I have thrown up every day at least once if not 3 times, I can't keep food down for long and fluids are ok...therefore the doctors refuse to treat it as something serious since I have fluids down me. If it continues I will be going back. Although I am near the end of my first trimester so hopefully it will ease up. I want to blossom and bloom! I am constantly reminded of Psalms 139 all the time with this baby because we werent thinking of the baby, so God in all His glory reached down into the depths of my body and created this baby the way it was meant to be made natually without drugs, chemicals and stress and trauma. This baby is going to thrive in my stomache and with prayer and support we will make it longer this time! I am 12 weeks now...here's to another 28!!!!!!

The dark

Sometimes when you don't sit still and can't hold still God knocks you on your butt and MAKES you sit still. This week I have had what the english commonly call a head cold. In my world a head cold lasts 3 days and you cough a little bit. This time it is down in my chest and I have had actual time off work with it. I am learning to sit still and let God take control of my body...to heal it and to restore it. I am begining to see very clearly that I am not in control of my body but that God is. I can't go around saying "but God" all the time, I need to accept that my body is the way it is and that there isn't alot I can do about it. I am a child of the Creator of Most High and I don't think He makes junk or mis shapes. I think whatever he has created me to be I can be a good one. I just need to figure out what that is. I am wanting to inspire others and to lift them up...lately at work there has been so much depression and trauma within everyone that I feel there is a huge need for a radical something to happen...nearly all of us are christians and nearly all of us believe in the power of prayer but something has a very dark hold over it. Every staff meeting starts with "we are all under a considerable ammount of pressure so lets be kind to one another in the workplace and patient with each other."   So basicly PLAY NICE   but I think something needs to happen I am thinking drastic like maybe annointing door posts with oil, prayer cloths in one corner of each room, something as a physical stand saying "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH"   I work with some amazing and lovely girls and women, some very strong and faithful friendships have been made there and I hate to see the sadness and the depression in their eyes as they go about their daily struggles. My best friend over here sufffers with crippling migrains and it takes her days to recover from them this effects her work, her homework, and her relationships as she is physically un able to do anything. I pray for her daily that God would touch her and take away all the pain, there are other people who struggle with depression and anxiety constantly and I pray that God would silence that and put and end to it all that he would make them whole again. Another very close friend is really struggling at the moment with the unfairness that life throws at you she is a perfectly wonderful strong christian girl who is faithful to her job, her family and her friends and church. And yet she gets dealt rubbish monthly. There is alot of infertilty type things in my workplace more than the normal and it makes me so sad to see everyone struggling. SO enough!!! God I want a miracle so big and so mighty that it touches all of us and heals every single one of us! Jesus we need a light to come in and lighten the darkness that seems to be there. Heal all sickness, illness, and take away all mental instability! Make us new again! Amen

it's a funny ol place this thing called life

and I am trying my hardest to understand it. My boss gave me a very good piece of wisdom the other day as I was trying to eat my lunch despite having a headache which made me nasueas....she said to me "Mara, rather than trying to plan for the year, the months, the weeks, the days....you need to focus on the here and the now...don't worry about what's going to happen in a few months time, just concentrate on not bringing your sandwhich up!"  ;) now while this was slightly cheeky she had a point. Lately because of things happening in my life I sit and wonder and stress about the future. When really all I need to be worrying about is today and how to keep my food in my stomache where it belongs. God is a good God and He will provide!

Flaming Norah :)

A phrase I have taken on as my own since moving over here.  It is used in the context of omg and other exclamations. I have used this phrase alot this week and am needing to place myself in God's complete control. I need to get into that spot where I just let go and let God. This week has been truamatic, joyful and incredibly miraculous. It has been heartwarming and reafirming. I have stepped down from my leadership role, I have stepped up to a new role and am learning how to make friendships work and how to build new ones. This week has been awful in that I have not experienced such stress in a long time. I can't go into too much detail as it would offend the other person involved. And then I heard some news that shook me to the core and again I can't say anything as it would ruin good friendships. I don't know why God thinks that I am the sort of person who can handle these sort of revelations...it's strange because just as I get to a place where life is going smoothle BAM something else crops up. I just think I need to find that quiet space and sit in it. This weekend is about finding that  quiet space.  A good person once said  Jesus is like our bouy He guids you along your travels but when the storm gets rough you can hide behind him and He will take your bumps along the way with you.  I need that this week and the following weeks. My heart isn't sure where it is meant to be at the moment, my mind is all over the place and all I can do is wait.  So Flaming Norah it's been a week! 

Sadie

My friend who had her first baby a week before I had Maggie and was in the hospital for nearly the same ammount of time as us, had her second baby on the 24th. Welcome to the world beautiful Sadie. She wasnt nearly as early as her brother was and she is so much bigger than he was. But we went to see them yesterday and she is still so small. She is a BIG chubby 4pounds but to look at her I just had this HUGE constant flashback....I am coming to the conclusion that if I do it again it will be in a very long time from now and I will need so much convincing when I do it. BUT welcome to the world Sadie! May your life be blessed and every step you take be filled with purpose. May you have strength and courage to live your life with happiness and joy. May The God of Hope fill you with healing and protection as you make your way in this life. I love you already and I've only met you once....
love you always,
Aunty Mara
xoxoxoxox