The unspoken

There is something that happens when you have a child in a neo natal unit...you change into a shadow of what you used to be. You become superstitious when you grew up in a christian household and there are some things you refuse to discuss amongst family and friends and doctors let alone think about. There are what if's but you always skirt around THAT what if. Today I was forced to acknowledge the unspoken as a personal friend was affected by it. My heart breaks for them and I feel guilty because I cannot fully "go there" when most people are fine to discuss it.  When you have a baby early it is like a loss and I am still mourning my loss, and though it was a loss I gained so much. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have that loss, to gain it back and then this.  I call it the unspoken because after having Maggie my world was shaken to the core and I believe that spoken words carry power and I refused to speak those words when Maggie was in hospital and for so long afterwards...in fact to this day I refuse to say those words. To my dear friends who are experiencing something that nobody should ever have to experience I am sorry, my heart breaks for you and I pray that God would gather you up in His arms and hide you away for a little while and allow you to draw strength from Him. I love you both and wish I could have met your dear precious angel.

My new role:

I am now absolutley loving my new role as a full time mummy and part time nursery nurse! Maggie really seems to be bonding more with me and connecting more with me. I am finding that her speech is all of a sudden blossoming! I do make a point to talk to her constantly and explain all the process's of what I am doing whether it is the laundry, making a cup of tea or doing meals. I explain each step and then she repeats little words that I say. She is also starting to become more independent and more inquisitive. I thought at first I would maybe leave her at nursery for the odd afternoon and mornings BUT I hate it when I leave her there so now lately I bring her home and we hang out together. I grew up with my mom at home all the time and I never realized how blessed I was. She was lucky enough to not have to work alot and we grew up happy in the knowledge that she was always there. Now that I have Maggie  I sometimes get upset knowing that if she falls over at nursery it isnt me who picks her up and if she takes her first steps there I might not get to see her take them. I think that is why I take her home whenever I can. She is at that age where she is fun and interacts more. We recently got a child in our room who is the same age as Maggie and it scares me because it means it won't be long untill she will be in my room. :( She is growing up! And she is doing so well while she grows. Well done Ms. Maggie May! xx

Thankful!

Steve finished early today, I finished early today and Maggie is taking a nap in her cot. I am thankful for the things in my life that are mundane and every day. I am thankful for the cup of tea I enjoy as I sit and listen to the birds outside my window, I am thankful for my husband who is so excited about his job and is telling me everything I ever wanted to know about bananas ;) lol but seriously I am thankful for my life and for everything in it. I am blessed!

What am I

I went to a training course on Monday about Schemas. It is the new "term" for learning groups and children. There are different schemas and one of them was the enveloper and the enclosure. I am both of these. The enveloper likes to show an interest in covering themselves the enjoy dressing up, they make dens and they like to put things into bags and containers. An enclosure shows an interest in and creates an enclosed space, they like to combine and are very interested if not driven by order.   I am all of these things. It is interesting as I do my childcare training and my studies to see where in the world I fit in. And how I learn. :) When I did my DTS there was a speaker who taught how everyone learned things differently. I learn best when I am doing what I am learning so I am writing it down, working it through and using my hands. My worst case scenario is being in a huge group being talked at...I lose focus. . . I can't concentrate and my mind wanders...I find myself looking for windows and wondering how hard it would be to climb out and sit on the roof/in the trees. OR I take my ipod turn it on and leave my hair down.  I think the more I work with my toddlers I realize that I am just a kid trapped inside a grownups body. I love to play! I love getting messy and I love exploring things. I love to ask WHY and HOW COME and WHEN. I am nosey :) I love to dance but not in a sexy romantic way I love to dance in a crazy neurotic hyper arms flapping and hip shaking way. Maggie looks at me like I've lost my mind...but it's all about being uninhibited. I think that God probably gets a big kick out of me and shakes his head in confusion alot of time because I am not a mature Christian, I don't sit and pray for hours (would like to but don't have time)   I don't preach to everyone and I don't go to church.  BUT I do love Him un resoundadly I absolutely love my God. I love how He looks after me and my family, I love how He keeps the weather in check and I love everything about Him...and I know He loves me too..... I fiond my fave times with Jesus are when it's just Maggie and I, maybe I will be cleaning the kitchen and Maggie will be banging on pots and pans and I start sining hyms I grew up with. Or I will be laying on the couch with her just enjoying that Maggie smell and I will feel His gentle presence around us. I don't do emotions very well, I don't like emotional people. . . but I do think that He understands me and understands my reasons and He accepts me. I really think that my relationship with Him is ok, I know there are cracks but show me someone who doesn't have cracks. I don't know what this blog is about but it is what I have been mulling over today while suposedly doing my learning journeys :) lol xox M

All I want for christmas...

ok so I know it's definately not Christmas but you know that song...all I want for christmas is my two front teeth yes my two front teeth...lol well tonight I saw that Maggie's top front teeth were finally starting to poke through! It's funny because I had said to the health visitor on thursday how concerned I was about her teeth...and now she has them! :) So cute. She actually let me look at them as well this time. Last time for her first tooth she wouldnt let anyone near it. Aww such a proud moment for my little bean. So that is our news for today. :) Wooh! Ohh and I am really looking forwards to finishing at 12 tomorow! yay!

The snow is going away :(

It has been raining off and on all day and I find this sad really since we didnt have snow for very long...it was beautiful while it lasted. I adore the sound of it! I love how you always know when it snows in the night because everything suddenly goes absolutely still and quiet. I think sometimes I need snow in my mind and soul...I need that moment of stillness and quietness. I think with Steve's new job and my time at home I will have more time to experience that. Hopefully anyways. Steve loves his new job, he is coming home tired and aching which means he is active! That is good! Maggie today tried to walk again...she isn't going to be long. I think it's her confidence that she needs instead of actual talent. She walks with me fine holding on with just one hand so I think she just needs that boost. Oh yeah and she is also trying to climb everything at the moment....not succeeding very well but that little leg hitches up and her bottom sticks out lol! I love it! Well this weekend hasn't been overly productive just bits and pieces around the house...it's been lovely having Steve home today though! I got to take a nap! :) Ohh and a shower without wondering if Maggie is awake in her cot lol....so nice to have a bit of time to do little me things.

Trying this out again

So I now have time on my hands to be a mum and a wife! I am loving it. I have cut my hours at work right down and am home with Maggie alot more. I am really looking forward to this time and I figured that since I have time to do me things now. I can get back into blogging :) This is just a little thing for ppl to keep up with us Slater's. :) Hope everyone is having a lovely new years so far.
cheers!
Mara