our own

so yesterday Aimee was weighed and is now 5lb6oz and had gained 9oz in 6 days..more then an oz a day! She also got signed off from the neonatal outreach team over the phone. Today she was signed off by the midwife and now is just under the watch of the health visitor who will keep monitering her weight weekly and this is a good thing because I like to see her progress. It was getting really frustrating because it felt like she wasn't a baby of our own that she still belonged to the health services. She is now our own baby :) And is eating constantly. I pray that she settles into a routine of somesort soon as at the moment she eats non stop and sleeps only when held. During  the day it's ok but I do struggle at night. But God only gives us those things that He knows we can handle right? My mum is here at the moment for another 5 weeks and is giving such amazing support! It's so nice to have her here bossing me around :) Love it! Plus she is such a good cook I am definately getting the food I need. Maggie is head over heels in love with Aimee and can't stop kissing and loving on her!

Aimee Alice

I made it to 33 weeks, 6 days and 19 hours :) Aimee was born on a beautiful autumn evening in the hospital room. I did it naturally (not by choice mind you lol) and the most amazing perfect gift in the world was that I was able to hold her almost instantly for quite a while. It wasn't skin to skin as she had to be so wrapped up but it was me staring down at this perfect bundle of smallness...this little dot that was new to everything. She was born weighing 4lb15 1/2oz and came out screaming her little head off. Bless her! There werer no complications and she went straight into an incubator to get her temp regulated. She was out of it and into a cot by the next morning. She was born on Monday and was home by Thursday night. THe most amazing thing happened though. When she was first born my milk hadn't come through I couldn't even give her my colostrum as it was just dry bones. So we had resigned ourselves once again to bottles. I was upset but knew that she was more important than my need to "be a proper mum" to her by breastfeeding. I just knew this is our last baby and I wanted to experience it just once.  Anywys we were rooming in and my milk had come in but I didn't want to confuse her and I didn't think she would go on anyways so I sat there listening to her suddenly refusing her bottle and she kept nuzzling in towards my breasts..finally I gave in and put her on. The miracle moment was when she isntantly latched on and GULPED down an entire feed. The most amazing feeling is being able to provide the basic sustenence that your child needs. Since she is tiny though she gets tired easily so she would come off quickly and go to sleep, this was something I wasn't quite sure of what to do with as it was all so sudden and new to me. But they let us go home anyways. 
Aimee really struggled to put any weight on and actually lost 12% in the first few days. This is devastating for me and I am doing everything possible to keep her healthy.  We are working with the doctors, nurses, neonatal staff, and midwives doing everything we are told. Every two hours I pump, feed, top up with the breast and then snuggle her to replenish my supply. On Monday she hadn't lost anymore she just hadn't gained either. I am a believer in faith, I believe in claiming things in the name of Jesus and I believe that we are only given things that He knows that we can handle. I am believing and claiming growth in her and strength in her. Yes doing all those things for her feeds are difficult when I could quite easily reach for a bottle of formula and give it to her. BUT she wouldn't be getting all the nutrients.  The midwives are supportive either way and have said that whatever I choose to do they will support but they are so encouraging with my breast feeding and really that boost that I needed. God is a God of provision, He provides us with exactly what we need, when we need it. So He knows what Aimee needs and is providing it to exact measures. She is beautiful and I am finding this whole thing so enjoyable. Maggie is in love with her new sister but also very confused so I continually pray for her as she walks this journey with us, and Steve is in love but so overwhelmed by fear and memories of Maggie, and everything that he struggles at times. But that is expected. GOD IS GOOD! AND HE WILL PROVIDE AND MAKE MY BABY THRIVE!!!

green pumpkins?

Ok pumpkins here's the deal. I don't want to decorate you, I don't want to make you pretty because you are beautiful in your own right...I want to eat you. I want to chop you up, cook you up and eat you in pie and bread and cookies and soup....I can't do this if you are GREEN so hurry hurry little pumpkins hurry and turn so I can eat you!!! And goodness knows if there are any squash out there it is just a mass of vines and orange flowers. :O need to go and sort it out sooner or later. Maybe a job for Grammie Gaga and Magda in 2 weeks :) lol I can sit back and direct. But I would really like to get some pumpkin bread in the freezer before autumn is over!!!!

I choose

to be positive

I choose to live my life today with a smile on my face

I choose to not let the fatigue get me down and wear me into the ground

I choose to be ecstatic that I am 33+1 today and that I have come so far!

I choose not to be sad over news I found out last night inolving to very close friends of mine...

I choose to stand up today and say "you know what life can be really shitty but heck if I am going to let it ta me laying down!" 

I am sitting here peering over my bump marveling at the fact that I am nearly at the end of my pregnancy. I honestly didn't know if I would make it this far. I really and truely have been taking it one day at a time. I went back in to the hospital on Monday and I have shrunk but I hadn't been for 4 weeks and I had only shrunk to 4. Ok, so to most women pregnant at 33 weeks having a cervical canal measuring 4mm would be terrifying but I am not concerned. It's odd the sense of calm that I have felt this entire pregnancy...with Maggie I was stressed the whole time and so upset about if I had eaten the right things or drunk too much 7-up, or slept on the wrong side. This time around? I have literally just let go and let God. And when I do that it's an amazing experience one I would recomend to eveyone.  Allowing Him to take over and take my concerns, my worry and my stress is like saying "ok so my life is chaos but here you can deal wth it" and the funny thing is? He does deal with it.  I found out the baby is a really healthy weight already weighing in at 4lb12oz so almost twice what Maggie was when she was born....this ups my chances of holding her at birth and ups my chances to breast feed as I will be able to have more skin to skin with her. I am now looking forward to my mom getting here in 2 weeks :) yay!  I am desperate to stay pregnant for 3 more weeks at least just so she can have the full "pregnant mara" effect lol because everyone should get to experience me pregnant at some point...lol ;) ok well it is naptime and I am shattered so....love to all of you! xx M

Haven't posted for a little while :)

But we are all ok. In fact we are more then ok. We are all living and surviving. Maggie and I had our birthday last week and it was a bit crazy and it wouldn't have been a normal day in the Slater house if we didn't have to go to the drs at least once ;) lol Maggie was diagnosed with hand,foot and mouth virus and I was diagnosed with a viral infection of some sort...but like good girls we took it on the chin and fought the good fight. We are both recovered and feeling much better. Maggie much better then me. These days a sneezing fit leaves me in a bother and usually running for the potty :) But God is good I am now 32 weeks pregnant and am doing well. By well I mean normal pregnant things are happening that should be happening...This has been a week of losing things lol I am losing my balance, my hair, my temper, my sense of calm, my bladder control (although that went a while back) and my ability to see the funnier side of things. A woman that we vaguely know through a friend of a friend very nearly lost her hand as she tried to pat my stomach the other day...not a safe idea when Steve is banned from touching me let alone some crazy stranger. I find myself shouting at my socks because I can't reach my toes and I find myself peeing all over my hand in the doctors office because I can't seem to find or see the microscopic sample pot they have kindly provided for me. "yes mrs midwife I realize there isn't alot in the jar, no I'm not dehydrated it's just all over my bloody hand instead!" and yes I did wash and sterilize my hands after I was finished. I was thinking on tuesday when I turned 32 weeks that amazingly I am still pregnant. At 21 weeks they told me that I had to prepare myself because I might not make it to 24 weeks at 23 weeks they told me I needed a steroid shot because the baby could come anytime...and 27 weeks they told me that I should be aware that alot of prem babies come around the time of the first prem baby....ladies and gentlemen GOD has kept me pregnant so far! I am still pregnant. At this very moment my baby is tucked away nicely inside having a nap (why you ask? because she thinks night time is day time and does somersaults at 3-5am) and she is big she is so much bigger then maggie was. I can tell already and can't wait til they have a scan to find out exactly how much but I am thinking about 4 pounds now. Steve is really struggling with the calm  thing, for him it's all memories and knowing what happened the first time. He doesn't have this network of friends to lean on and he didn't grow up in a place that taught him to give things to God. I try my hardest to calm his fears but I think he just needs me to get to a good number of weeks and then he can be more at peace. I didn't think about it before from his perspective but when I had maggie he was powerless to help or save either of us, he had to sit there and watch us both struggle for life. I think it was hard enough for me to watch maggie struggle that to watch the two people you love most in life struggle to survive would be impossibly scary and then to think it might happen all over again must be terrifying. So honey I love you and we are going to be ok. We are going to come out of this triumphant and we are going to be able to say "Look what the Lord has done!" Because when I am with Steve I feel safe and I feel like everything will be ok I forget that he is only a person at the end of the day with the same feelings and emotions as everyone else. So if you get a chance send a prayer out for him as he is really struggling. I know this is all a bit of a ramble but that is what I do best :) It's a gorgeous autumn morning this morning and taking Mags to nursery I was reminded again of God's ever steady glory and beauty! The sun was out the sky was blue it was crispy  outside and the leaves were a golden colour. I love moments like this. Be blessed today in the knowledge that He is in control and He made you for a purpose! To live and to live beautifully! xxxxx M

If I could

if I could give you that one thing you ask for, I would. If I could make things work for you I would. If I could take away your sadness and pain and replace it with happiness and wholeness I would. But I am only human and can only be your friend who prays for you and is there when you are ready to talk. I'm sorry you are experiencing the things that you are going through and it makes me sad to think I can't help. You are an amazing person and your life shines into those around you in such a way you may never know. I love ya. xx

I was sat with some really good friends who are more like family today and was sat next to someone who is struggling to get pregnant and through a series of crappy circumstances just isn't working for her or it works and then it's stollen from her. I sat there looking at my huge belly and realized how hard it must be for her to go through the daily grind of things and to see mothers coming into nursery dropping off their children and coming in with their big bumps. I know about the wanting, the yearning and the ache that comes with not being able to concieve, but I know nothing about having that joy taken away completely. When Maggie was born early it was like a miscarriage and in fact her notes call it a miscarriage but she wasn't stollen completely she was just taken away from me and left to grow in a hospital. I cannot imagine the pain and the horror of having the immense joy taken away permanently and then getting up and moving on with your life only to have it happen over and over again. My heart breaks for you and if I could fix it I would. I don't know why life is treating you this way...and I am sorry for it.

My baby...

is no longer a baby..she is now a toddler. She is spending her first full day in the toddler room today and is just not in a baby phase anymore! I am so proud of you Maggie May, you have come so far and overcome so much! Every step you have taken I have held my breath and waited for you to look back and need me but you haven't you have been strong and looked straight ahead on this road called life. I know that you will still have times where nothing fixes anything better then me your mum but I am proud of today and this moment because two years ago we didn't think we would get to this point. I love you so much baby bean and you will forever and ever be my baby despite growing up and being such a clever strong girl.    I had to go to the store and get some cake to cheer myself up as I was feeling so emotional lol and I have put a pretty good dent in it. There is something comforting about bakewell tarts! I am loving the fondant... :) anywys...Maggie I love you and I'm proud of you, to the rest of the world, be proud of her too! And to anyone else who has ever had their baby turn around and say "buhbye mummy love you, good day"  and had your heart break into a million pieces I am sending you my hugs because that one moment summed up everything for me. Gone is the baby and here is the big girl.