New Season of Change!

So I haven't blogged for so so so long, in fact I can't remember the last time I blogged. BUT Big news! I am no longer a nursery nurse or a childcare practitioner or an early years professional or whatever the junk I was supposed to refer to myself. Glorified babysitter? Nownow Mara.... :) ok so on to now....after almost 9 years I decided that it was time for a new season. Since I had Aimee I have been desperate to be a Stay at Home Mom. The one that my children run to when they are hurt or ill, the one that witnesses the firsts. I know the bittersweet joy of finding out that somebody else saw my babies first steps or crawls, or they weaned them onto food or potty trained them for me. So I thought...no this was my second chance my gift to be the mom that I have been desperate to be. Steve miracusously got me a job at Tesco in the evenings working in and around the bakery which works because we all know that I am sort of not that interested in bread lol now cakes on the other hand we have learned that they are my kryptonite :) anyways. So yes I handed in my notice, worked two weeks and started my new job! I am loving it. I am in need of a routine though because rather than yummy mummy I am begining to feel like lazy mummy but it's so wonderful to not have to worry about every scrape or bump on the girls (because let's face it they are their momma's girls lol) to the nursery and write out those forms as if I am a bad mother and on some sort of short list registar. WHAT'S MORE DEMEANING THEN MAKING AN ALREADY SELF CONCSIOUS MOTHER FEEL EVEN MORE AWARE OF THE FACT SHE LET THE BALL SLIP FOR 30 SECONDS? I'm not advocating being a bad mother or even letting the ball slip....no not at all BUT I am saying that it's wonderful to know that if my girls don't have a bath tonight and wake up on the scruffier side of gorgeous tomorrow I don't have to worry about being reported to social services. They can be scruffs with mommy! I am really blessed because in my new job I have the joy of working with a great couple of guys, they are supportive, really really patient and really encouraging. I apreciate that so much because we know that I don't learn very quickly and do need to be taken step by step.....I am trying to get into a routine that allows everyone to benefit from me being at home as in a yummy mummy and a hottie wife as well as an effective colleague and most importantly remember that God is in control of the big and small details. I am in such a transition place, it's crazy! All of a sudden I have this oportunity to do what I have been wanting for so long and now I am sort of in a whirlwind. BUT let me see I am happy, I am soooo free! I have energy, and am smiling at almost everyone these days! Steve and I are doing alot better we are enjoying each others company (all you marrieds out there know what I mean lol) and we are finding better ways of communicating. Sooooo what is the plan for this week of mommyhood? Potty Training! I am going to start potty training the baby....who is 2 at the end of September. Where did the time go?!

updates

So it's been a while since I have posted anything and I suppose it's because I have been too busy, can't get my thoughts in order, not feeling up to scratch etc etc etc...but I would like to report that I am on the mend so to speak. I am going to share something that I feel is really important and really pressing on my heart lately. I am learning how to accept myself, in all my entirety, this is hard for me because there are parts of my life that I don't like, parts that are best kept not in view. There are parts of me that are embarassing and downright rude. I am by far the most indecisive person I know, I am a bad time manager, I am not the best at saving money and most days I am not even that great of a wife or mother. However there are parts of me that are amazing....I have been trying to find these parts of me.  I have been spending alot of time with my gorgeous neighbour and her lovely kids...we sit down and listen to worship music, watch telly, drink copious ammounts of tea and work through our issues. We are the same age so it's nice to have someone that is able to communicate on that level with. We are also huge lovers of art, and flowers, and birds oh and of course Cath Kidston :) woopwoopwoop! :) :) but we seem to have a kindred connection where we "get" each other. I am blessed to have her in my life! Steve is working really hard at the moment and also spending more time with the girls. Today he took Aimee to church with him so that Maggie and I could stay home and get better as we were both under the weather. This was so good of him! I totally apreciated it. I don't think there is alot to update just that I am growing, I am getting stronger and I am finding out who I am...slowly. Bear with me as I am very fragile at the moment and may not always be the most friendly...it's not you or anything you have done it's just me and what I am going through. xx M

searching.........

Gr..I am by habit a creature of habit. For decades my parents kept the mugs on a hanger on the wall in the kitchen and I would always reach for the same mug on the same peg every time. Then one day they decided to move said hanger and put the cups inside the cupboard. TO THIS DAY I still reach for the same cup on the same peg on the same hanger :) it's been almost 15 years. OR like in our old house all the switches were on the far side of the room and our new house (well not new now) they are as they should be as you walk in the room..but I always forget this as I walk halfway through the room and then remember and have to backtrack. Call me simple, stupid or whatever you like but really I am habitual...and in my habits I find comfort.
Lately I have come to a point in my life where I am in need of some HUGE changes. I am not going to go into massive detail because well this is an open blog and I am not in the mood for criticism or being preached at for having my own simple opinions however I will leave it with HUGE changes need to take place. I am coming to a place where I am admitting perhaps I am not the perfect do it all woman who can take on the world and leave standing. NO I am a mere weakling and seriously struggle to pack it all in. Like right now there is paperwork I should be doing and I just can't stomach it, seriously the thought of it makes me clench my butt cheeks and cringe. (was that tmi?) but in all seriousness it's just gotten to the point in my life where I can't go on just going on in habit something has to give. Do I bite my tongue and continue to plod or do I step out in faith and do what I feel I should be doing. Lately something I have wanted to do since I was little has been confirmed twice within the last month and it's like it's just dangling in front of me. In order to do this I would have to readjust everything in my life. Should I do it, is it worth it, will it work, what about financially, when how where...etc all of these questions racing about my head. Oh and then there is this whole health issue going on....there are people with babies, pregnant women and all sorts there are casual comments about how we need another baby to make 3 and wouldn't it just be so nice?! NO!!! No it wouldn't I wake up in cold sweats of panic having flash backs still to this day about being pregnant and waking up covered in blood and being rushed to the hospital. THIS HAPPENED 3 years ago! Um what else oh yes relationships in every direction are changing and it's like what do I do for the best? It's times like this when I wish God was an actual physical form so that I could sit next to him and work these things out with Him. I pray so much and I listen and I worship and I try and obey and I fail and I fall and I run into a brick wall and it hurts oh my word does it hurt. I am not a good failure type personl. You know there are some people who do failure quite well? It's like their lives are constantly in failure mode and they wear it comfortably they get happy and get on with their lives in the rubble. I can't get comfortable in my rubble, I can't find my niche in the grubby grimness that seems to be an ongoing trend lately. I guess some would say that this is a good thing that I am not comfortable as a failure but if I can't find my niche there and I don't feel like I belong in the winners circle then I suppose it's the avereage side I should go but that has never been comfortable for me. I have never been a normal average type person. I have always been odd, unique, or the best one "quirky" any relationship I have ever had at some point the other half would utter in disbelief...."are you aware of half the things that you say and do?!"    and then usually said relationship would end (apart from steve as he loves those points in me) BUT yeah I just need some sort of help some giant leap of faith someone to hold out their hand and pull me over to the other side. Wherever that may be.

JUMP!!!

I found this online and fell in love with it! I adore this time of year. It is the cool crisp mornings that lead to a warmish but still crisp afternoon with the bluest skies and the gorgeous golds, reds, browns and russets of the leaves as they cover the ground. The crunch as I walk through them and the wind rustling through the trees urging me to run through them like a child and the best part of having children of my own? Making leaf piles and jumping in! I always get nesty as well...I feel the need to bake and stock up on things like soups and beans and tinned tomatos and curry sauce. Things that warm me up! I get cravings for pumpkin and I mean cravings!! Not even like the "pumpkin spice" versions I want pumpkin be it fresh, frozen, sweet or savoury I love me some big orange ball! Mine sadly got eaten by a slug I hope he is pleased with himself but neve mind he obviously had a vitamin c deficiancy >:D I can't wait untill the stores start selling them (pumpkins not slugs teehee!) I plan on buying 3 or 4 and then a few for decorating with as well. I get giddy and excited in this season. Most people prefer summer...I prefer Autumn/Winter. This year I have two pumpkins to celebrate it with me....I plan on encouraging my girls to really go for it with the whole pumpkin and autumn exploration.

Rainbow cupcakes :)

 Chef Maggie May

my rainbow cupcakes

Making the rasberry frosting

 Icing the cakes

Quality control ;)

 Our toppings!

 More quality control :D

Washing up afterwards! :) Such a good girl she was so attentive and did such a great job. My baby isn't a baby anymore!!! :( Love you Maggamay! xxxx

really quite cross

Ok so let's be honest I have been a mother for 3 years, I have to kids and I have breast fed one of them for 11 months. I am also a wife and an individual person. I work part time and enjoy my job, I love the freedom it gives me to be my individual self. I am also not embarrassed to say that I often daydream about the day my children are old enough for me to leave them with a relative and go on holiday with my husband alone for a weekend or even dare I say a week.  NOW tell me....does any of this make me a bad mother? Interesting question isn't it...because most of you would say no not at all it's natural to be and do those things...some of you would say oh yes definately you should be at home a slave to your family you ungreatful bitch....but you want to know the right answer????? The right answer is C......I am a good mom because I do what works for my family. It might not work for someone else's family but it works for US.  I was absolutely shocked to see someone posting on fb about how she had read a book about keeping children out of nursery before the age of 3 and I know from conversations with said person that they agree, as do several other people. Do you know what??? For a split second it made me question myself, my beliefs in myself and my ideas on parenting and then I stopped and remembered quite simply...you do what you can for your own personal situation. Something that I learned so very quickly early on when I first had Maggie and she was in hospital is that you don't know someones personal reasons for doing things, you don't always get the full story. You might see a woman with a bottle and condem her without knowing that her milk never came in...or you might see a woman falling apart on the bus shouting at her child you don't know what has caused her to snap and what is going wrong in her life for her to feel it's ok to do that to that child. I have learned so quickly NOT to judge other mothers. Fair enough there are boundaries and there are rules that you abide by as a parent; obvious ones and the child has rights that are obvious as well. BUT beyond those basics how you choose to raise your child is totally and utterly up to you and how dare they hav the audacity to come along and tell you otherwise or make you feel inferior. Just because one family has enough money to have the mother stay at home and raise the children doesn't mean that that works for another family. Steve and I both work so that Maggie and Aimee want for nothing...we aren't rich and to be honest we are barely above the poverty line but we are happy and my girls don't want for anything because I work my buns off to provide for them. I really and truly get cross when upity pretensious people try and have an opinion when they have loads and loads of knowledge but no life experience, and haven't bleed sweated and cried to get where they are either financially or non. Buggers me to no end to see women who have no clue how hard it is to get pregnant, breast feed a baby, hold down a job, raise a family etc etc because it all just falls into place for them.

Ok and then moving on quite swiftly....
A conversation I had the other day me- "what is dawanahahsco...... you know that thing you were celebrating on your fb status last night?"  other person-"Yeah I've been up all night celebrating (insert unheard of diety celebratory thing) and we had to chant all night" me- "oh right, you must be shattered, what did he/she do" op-  "oh I don't know but I did it because it's what I am supposed to do"   


This first of all had me suprised and nearly judgemental  because I wanted to say..."ohh well when I pray I know who I am praying to"  but then I stopped and thought about it and it dawned on me that so often in my walk with God I sit and I close my eyes, I say the right words and I then open my eyes and move on with my day. I go about my day and I assume that I am putting the right motions intot he notions. BUT AM I? What if I am just going through it because that is what I have been taught. Don't get me wrong I totally and completely love Jesus with all of my heart and am a born again saved Christian filled with the Holy Spirit and when I die I will go to Heaven. BUT How often do I just do what I am supposed to do with my christianity because that is what is supposed to be done NOT because that is what I believe? I mean imagine if everyone actually did what they believed to be true every day. We would be raising the dead, healing the sick, bringing actual hope to the hopeless...not just putting one foot in front of the other and saying and doing what is right just because we should.  I hope my friend who I had that conversation with doesn't get offended if she reads this but I do have her to thank for waking me up and realising I need to actually get real with my walk with God and not just do it because that's what you are supposed to do.

feeling inspirational??

Which is my speak for "rambly" :) ok so I am going to be honest because that is what Blogging is about. I don't ask you to read this I don't expect you to like it. Blogging for me is a theraputical way of airing my opinions and getting things off my chest in a safe non judgemental space. But today I was just so tired I was exhausted it's been a hell of a long week and to be very honest I just wasn't in the mood couldn't be asked. We went to a fabulous bbq last night for the church's camp finale and watched the fireworks, came home had a glass of wine and went to bed. I woke up full of grump and ump...didn't want to go to church. I am not a good cryer I hate tears and emotion...I know that's hard to believe as I am so brutally honest in here but for those of you who have met me you know that I am often refered to as the Ice Maiden as I just don't buckle, break or show emotion. This last week has been emotional. I feel like at times I am having to justify my grief to people which makes me angry, I feel like because I actually know a little bit more about  certain things that others are angry or jealous of that? I mean hello grow the heck up! It's not about who knows what and how much one knows it's about supporting and loving on the individual in need. Anyways where was I going oh yes inspiring. SO we did get to church...all four of us :) it took so getting there but once I got in the groove even though emotionally I was shattered it was nice to be in the house of God if you know what I mean? I love that when I walk into church I can almost taste Jesus...I will be the very first to point out that I am a pretty sucky Christian, I fail miserably so often that I wonder if grace covers me this much...and I get so frustrated with my inadequecies(sp?) and shortcommings that I just can't cope some days. I guess that is why God is God and I am not right? :) But anyways yeah so we get there and I am just sort of not in the mood for people. I want Jesus and nothing more, I knew that the family who lost Matt would be there as it is their church and they run it and I was so worried about saying the right thing and doing the right thing but it didn't matter because Jesus showed up and grace came down and I was at peace. Oddly this happenend somewhere in between worship and going upstairs to creche. I personally have an issue with creche... and try to get out of going as often as possible simply because I work with children all week so why on earth should i be expected to be there on a sunday? I'm not called to be there so why should I do it. Just because I work with children for a living doesn't mean I want to do it on Sunday. ANYWAY I went up with the girls because Maggie was in big girl pants and I was a bit nervous her being left to have a stranger take her. When I got up there I actually relaxed and had a little bit of fun...not enough to want to do it and then at the end t he woman who runs it actually acknowledged that I needed to be down in service and is tweaking it so I can leave the girls and not worry about them upstairs. PHEW but oh goodness so I came home feeling better but still so tired. Then I visited with Jane and Lucy for a while whilst the man folk took down the marquee at the camp and took it over the the church. It was so hard not to be impolite and ask if they would mind if I went upstairs and took a nap :) lol can you imagine? "Excuse me for an hour while I just go take a nap"! lol anyways so then steve came home I fixed tea (slow cooked beef with tika sauce served over steamed basmati rice and baby potatoes!) and then we put the girls in the bath and got them ready for bed. Maggie has discovered how to open her door in her room and so after I had gotten Aims to bed peacefully Magggie chose that moment to open her door and start screaming nonsense at the top of her lungs. I was livid but as I had done everything for the girls for the last 2 nights DADDY got to sort them out. It was then while I had my first 15 minutes of childfree time that I began to feel inspirational. :) leading me to here and after writing all of this I suppose I will leave you with a simple quote that I found online and fell in love with!